Homeschooling is a disaster for my son

[Ilovetea09]

Hello. I know some schools are saying don't worry etc but our school has said work set is mandatory and needs to be of a high standard. And also I want my son to do it because he needs to keep up.

Anyways, he is in year 4. So work is ramping up now. My son has SEN but is not diagnosed. Not going into it all now but basically we've had lots of problems in school with his focus on his work, gets distracted, has no confidence in his ability and has a meltdown when anything is even slightly difficult.
School deals well with him and have been getting good results from him. He's just had the best school report ever.

We are in day 23 of isolation as we finished school a few days earlier than they closed to everyone. It has been a complete nightmare. He does not want to do any of the work at all. Goes blank and needs 1 to 1 assistance on every question and wanting me to tell him the answer. We've had screaming, crying and smashing fists on to the table daily since this started. He can manage maybe an hour of work tops and then I have to leave it for everyone's sanity.
Im also trying to help my 6 year old do her work too. She is no problem.

Any advice on how I can deal with this? I've been very encouraging and praise him hugely when he does it.
And I have unfortunately lost my temper a few times and had to leave the room as I am frustrated he knows what to do but won't even try.
I have asked his teacher to give us a call and speak to him and explain he needs to do it. I don't know how we are going to get through how ever many more weeks there will be. Easter break is giving us peace but just means it will be twice as hard to get him to start the work again

If you can afford it, get him an online teacher. A lot of children prefer to be taught by someone who's not a parent.

I'm a TA in a year 4 class. Our school are not expecting parents to be teaching their dcs. We are emphasising the children's emotional well being at this time. When the lockdown was announced, my first thought was for the SEN children we have that I know need to be in school. However we have to accept that we have no control over the situation.

Go on youtube and type 3 times table song in it's fun. They do it for every one y4 is all about times tables x

Stop worrying. Everyone is in the same boat and he WILL catch up.

I'd go back a step. Find stuff he can easily do for a bit and set him up for success. Set a timer, when it's done and he worked independently he gets screen time etc. Set another timer for play.
Just do basics but link to something you like if you can, eg mine craft addition colouring sheet.

When you've got a better attitude, add it one harder thing, but expect some independent thought. Tantrums stop the screen time happening.

I think you just have to play it as if sen was confirmed. And I'd just be looking not to loose ground, so keep up with reading, number bonds, multiplication etc. Then set him open ended research in the afternoon?

Just stop. He won’t get held back and it’s much better for all of you if you can cooperate.

My 7yo has HFA. We’re ignoring the set work. I bought some age appropriate maths and English workbooks so we have a bit of structure and then we do topics.

Periodic table, planets, Ancient Egypt - he can choose and suggest stuff.

My son is better having some choices.

I have a y4 with high functioning ASD, dyslexia and dyspraxia. The kind of child who can tell you in detail about strategies and weaponary of WW2 battles, but struggles to write his name legibly and with the letters the right way round. We've had days where it's taken 30 minutes (including two meltdowns) to write the date.

I have the advantage of being a SAHM and a decade of teaching experience, it still isn't easy! Not least because school = teachers and learning and and home = relaxation. DS masks well and puts in a good effort at school even if he's not very productive (no support, very slow writing speed, struggles to multi-task). The problem is I have this nice hazy notion that this is an opportnity to boost his weak basic skills with a 1:2 ratio (also have a y2 child).

I've adapted our rythmns over the last couple of weeks. Some days we have more energy to get more done. Some days are just write-offs from the start.

Get to the key point of the work. If you have a bright child with SNs, don't worry about doing stages 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 & 6. If they can do 5 & 6 without the busy work of 1, 2, 3 & 4 to wear out their attention span.

Make sure there is something that engages them.

Do the tricky bits early in the day, or at their most switched on time.

I'm using some of DS2's y2 work as revision on DS1's weaker areas.

Plan tasks together so it's easier for them to accomplish bigger tasks. Mind maps, highlighters, colours, draft pad to model answers on.

Learning time doesn't have to be consistent blocks. Our blocks get shorter through the day. Lots of little play breaks. A longer mid-morning break and a 2 hour lunch.

If they don't do the work set by school, what exactly will school do about it? Frog march him in for a detention?
School will have a good idea of who will fly through and self study through everything set and half the Encyclopeadia Galactica, who will give it a fair go and who won't even pick up a pencil or a book in the time off. As long as you make a fair effort, you'll do fine.

I feel your pain OP. My son is going through the exact same things. School are so supportive I'm every day life and more so now. He attempted bits of the work they set before the Easter holidays but it was such a struggle and I'm WFH.
His teacher has said just get him to do the online type stuff that he enjoys ie there is a timetables and spelling app that he'll do without much fuss. I started writing out a list of jobs for him and his sister the other day. The term jobs is a very loose one. The first job is get dressed...believe me that is one of the biggest struggles I have.
But today I got him to list his top ten favourite things and set a challenge for the kids to time themselves running round the garden.
I have lowered my expectations massively and taken the pressure off us all. Yes some days he is literally in front of a screen all day. It's not ideal but it won't last forever and they'll all catch up eventually.
I'm more concerned about how much he'll struggle going back to school as although he craves routine he finds the other boys very hard to get along with as he's a gentle soul and most his age are boisterous and into football which he hates!
Think we just need to be the anchors for our kids in this very choppy sea.

How about training (skipping, ball bouncing, basket balls shot, miles on exercise bike?) and recording the results every day to sneak in some maths and PE as well.

I have one autistic child working really well on stuff... the other one...

50% sucess rate is not bad eh?

Hang on, he’s not diagnosed and yet you reckon he has ODD?

Have a look at PDA instead. And then rethink the way you’re handling this. If he’s got PDA you need to basically do the OPPOSITE of what you’re doing.

Honestly, with autism his mental health will shatter if you push him. Just relax, and maybe have a read about home education not home school.

I have had to remember that academic achievement is not hte be all and end all. keeping us all alive and healthy until the end of this is most important.

I have seen the worst that can happen when he is stressed by school, and do not want to repeat that.

Thanks very much for all of your advice. I will take a massive step back i think.

Our school have been terrible. We have had zero communication from day 1. They just sent us an email with a huge list of work that needed to be completed within 2 weeks and their textbooks. There was ALOT!!
Social media causes me the most problems I think because my mum friends from school are having a lovely time drinking wine whilst their daughters who are in my sons class are getting on with their work in their bedrooms and they've not had to help them even once. Makes me feel really down about our situation.
The school has a twitter page that smug parents are posting photos on about what amazing things their kids are achieving and yesterday my son was only able to write the title then burst into tears!!

My husband takes a different view to all of this than me that makes it difficult. He says I mollie coddle him and that I should leave the room and just tell him to do it all by himself! Like a teacher would. He was not happy with me last night when I told him that I've asked to speak to his teacher. He said why would you want to tell the teacher we are struggling? I can't win sometimes.

Yes I do think he may have PDA but it's not recognised in our area and won't be diagnosed as such. We and the school already treat him as diagnosed and he has a lot of support. It's just all gone out of the window with him having to be at home.

This is part of the email our school sent out to us:

Real Learning
It is important to note that the home learning packs have been designed by your child’s class teacher and have been purposefully planned to cover the actual learning that would’ve taken place if we were operating as normal. I would like to stress that the work is not designed as a holding activity/ number of holding activities to just keep your child ‘busy’. I therefore request that completion of work is mandatory and that you oversee your child and support them to ensure that they have grasped the learning and that it has been completed to a high standard.

🙄🙄

This was the most recent email from our head... (This is an Irish primary school.)

Dear Parents,

During challenging times, it’s more important than ever to look after your child’s well-being. The attached journal is designed to help children to enhance their mental well-being through a range of different activities. Most of the topics, such as positivity, gratitude, kindness, bravery, creativity and self-kindness are drawn from the field of Positive Psychology, which is the science of well-being. There are also activities based on dealing with worries and coping with change. The journal is based on Weaving Well-Being - an SPHE programme which your child has been doing in school.

www.weavingwellbeing.com

• - - - - - - - - -

OP, I think you should ignore any further communications your head after Easter if they’re written in the same vein as they’re clearly not the right person for the current crisis.

I’ve added the website to my post but in the original email, there is an attached booklet.

I hope this provides some support for you OP.
You’re doing your best and that is good enough!

Tell your husband that a teacher wouldn’t just be leaving your son to it! That would lead to poor learning outcomes. A teacher plus possibly TA will constantly be supporting those that need help as well as keeping an eye on every child in the class for the entire duration of the session. Your husband doesn’t sound like he understands what teaching and learning in a primary age setting involves, so please don’t let his views undermine you.
I agree with other posters - it’s incredibly important your son gets a break and we are currently in Easter holiday.
Also, home schooling is much more intense than being at school and if schools are still closed after Easter, I would echo people saying an hour per day split into 20 min sessions should be fine at this stage. Education is a marathon, not a sprint.
Lastly, give yourself a break, it sounds v stressful responding to perceived expectations from school/husband etc. Ignore the smug social media posts if you can - try to enjoy this precious time you have with your son and find things you both enjoy - you won’t get this time back. 💐

I have an 8 year old son who has autism and mild learning disabilities. We have done zero school work. None. And we don’t plan to. Just the suggestion of it gives him horrendous anxiety and ruins the whole day for us all. He sees school as school and home as home and won’t mix the two - very common for children with autism who see things as very black and white. I do not give a shiny shit. These are strange and unprecedented times. Not worth worrying about!

My SENDs son is in year 2. We do work in 10-15 min blocks, and about 6-8 of them per day (3 during weekends). It works fine so far, but we couldn’t do any more

Just to add, mine is very dyslexic and dyspraxic with autistic traits

My NT 9 year old ds doesn't deal well with doing school work at home ever. Homework has always been a battle and this is even worse. School have said reading is the #1 priority and we're concentrating on tables that he can practice while hanging upside down plus a bit of project work.
Ironically my older dd who does have ASD is doing loads of work and is managing it all herself.
So much depends on the type of child they are. Ds just isn't a sit down learner and never will be.

Jeez that’s a rather brutal email.

I would think that the way to get him to do the most would be to step down the expectation. So ask him to do just four sums. Then that’s four rather than nothing.

My middle one is similar and we’re going for one 20 minute session a day, some days are maths and some are literacy.

I make sure he is read to most nights.

That’s all I can get him to do. If I ask for emu more it’ll be a massive battle and I think he’ll end up doing less. This way he sometimes does a bit more anyway. He’ll do a coupe mod tomorrow’s sums because he’s in the mood.

*any

Not emu!

Op. My son is the same albeit year 2. I’ve been homeschooling in bitesize amounts across every day (ignoring holidays). I imagine we average between 2-3 hours a day. He will meltdown over English as he hates writing but I deal with this by bribing him basically 🤭. We have reward charts for computer games and he has to earn a new level by writing every other day. Loads and loads of bribes.

I would contact the teacher after Easter and come up with some strategies.

Is this a state school?

The BBC are going to start some educational programmes (in addition to BBC Bitesize) after the Easter holidays which may help your DS.

There are many apps out there at the moment as well which may help learning maths more fun than the packs sent by school.

Schools didn’t have much time to sort things before the Easter holiday but hopefully they will be more organised next term.

Please don’t stress yourself or your DS out.

I would second the Murderous Maths books and any other fun maths books you can find (might help you too) When DS was in Primary School I also bought a book called Maths for Mums and Dads to give me a memory nudge and also explain some of the new terminology (although that might have changed again!)

As well as chunking the work into 20 minute blocks, it might work to have a 'now and next' plan with him. 20 minutes work leads to 10 minutes reward (e.g.playing with lego or something else he enjoys).

Give him a break over Easter then start afresh.