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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was wrong to say this to my neighbour - feel sad that they are now talking to me.

124 replies

Somethingsosimple · 09/04/2020 11:41

A couple of weeks ago the sun shone for the first time in weeks and I was planning to dry washing and be outside with my son as he had a inset day. Then we looked out of the open window to the sky full of smoke and bits of ash falling and covering all our cars and drive way. I decided to ask my neighbour politely how long she was planning to have a bonfire. It was 10 in the morning. She said all day which I said I was disappointed about as was pleased to be able to be in the garden. Her husband came out and said oh sorry maybe we could finish at lunchtime to which his wife looked furious. I politely turned and said I would leave them up discuss. The husband knocked on my door a short time later a said they would finish at lunch time a dvi thanked him. I have since seen the wife since who said I had massively inconvenienced them and has since ignored me. I’m feeling really sad as we have been friendly before this and I hate falling out. Should I have kept my mouth shut?

OP posts:
echoskey · 09/04/2020 13:10

Garden bonfires are never a good idea as they can have a terrible impact on those with asthma. In a respiratory virus pandemic they are bordering on criminal. I wouldn’t worry about falling out with neighbours selfish enough to behave in such a way and would report them to your local council’s environmental health department if they light up again.

FamBae · 09/04/2020 13:12

Not at all, growing up in the sixties I remember no one lit a bonfire before dusk in case anyone had their washing out.

spiderlight · 09/04/2020 13:13

YANBU at all!

Every evening this week, someone in our immediate neighbourhood has had a stinking great bonfire. Different houses each time but it's been vile - and they've gone on for hours. The smell of smoke is a massive migraine trigger for me, so even with shutting the windows as soon as it first becomes apparent, I've been really unwell with it. So antisocial. I think it might be because our area has stopped collecting garden waste for the time being.

MrsApplepants · 09/04/2020 13:18

Bonfires are not necessary for any reason. They are antisocial and selfish.

gamerchick · 09/04/2020 13:19

It's inconsiderate to light fires at this time. A lot of of people are focusing on their breathing and lungs thanks to this virus. The last thing people need is to be breathing in fumes from an outside fire.

We have an outside incinerator bin but it's not being used atm. It's common sense.

Take no notice OP. Luckily her husband saw some sense.

Pomegranatemolasses · 09/04/2020 13:22

Garden bonfires have been banned in Ireland for years.

Astoatora54 · 09/04/2020 13:25

I’m another that has a lot of paperwork that has to be burned, genuinely no other option for it
Of course there are other options! What do you think people without a garden do?

diddl · 09/04/2020 13:25

I couldn't be sorry that someone so petty & ridiculous was no longer friendly tbh.

What is it that they were burning I wonder?

Imstillskanking · 09/04/2020 13:25

I have a firepit. I use it to burn palm fronds. I need to do this as there are no dumps here (im not in uk). I only ever do this at night, because I think it's inconsiderate to others who want to use their garden to eat meals, hang out washing, and generally relax. If someone popped their head over the fence and politely requested that we leave it until the next night, I would accomodate that request, if at all possible.

You have nothing to feel bad about. Your neighbour is being silly

diddl · 09/04/2020 13:25

"Bonfires are not necessary for any reason. They are antisocial and selfish."

Yup!

PrivateD00r · 09/04/2020 13:27

To those who are shredding paperwork, if you have space, I highly recommend getting a compost bin (ours was free from the council). Great way to get rid of paper, card, peelings, egg shells, teabags, coffee grounds, garden cuttings etc etc.

ProfessorHasturLaVista · 09/04/2020 13:30

Our shredder is rubbish and can’t handle the backlog of paperwork we need to get rid of, so I bought one of those little bin incinerator things. Had just started to use it one morning a week while everyone was out at work and no washing was out, then lockdown happened. Wouldn’t dream of using it now, how selfish would that be?

Op, I expect your neighbour was pissed off her DH agreed with you, pay her no mind.

Dieu · 09/04/2020 13:40

YANBU Thanks

TheMagiciansMewTwo · 09/04/2020 13:42

Some areas are suggesting people have bonfires to get rid of garden waste since there aren't any collections so I don't think it's fair to say they were UR to have a bonfire. The anti-bonfire rule is MN-specific. It's not cross-country.
You had plans for the day OP. They had plans for the day. Neither of you got the day you'd planned. Plus your neighbour is probably annoyed with her DH for her supporting you. It's definitely more awkward to have half a bonfire than it is to say I'll choose one of the many other lockdown days to sit in the garden.

uthredswife · 09/04/2020 13:44

I live in Ireland and I have literally never heard of a garden bonfire. I see someone above has said they're banned here. I'm nearly 40 and have never seen or heard of anyone lighting a fire in their garden.

Why exactly would you do it? Is it to save bin charges?

uthredswife · 09/04/2020 13:45

Also meant to add, the neighbour is being an asshole. Don't waste your energy grieving a relationship with someone so selfish

Astoatora54 · 09/04/2020 13:46

It's definitely more awkward to have half a bonfire than it is to say I'll choose one of the many other lockdown days to sit in the garden.

Except it's always anti-social to have a bonfire. If you don't have enough land to have a bonfire without annoying your neighbours, the least you can do is not to do it when you are inconveniencing them. Having to wait before having a bonfire is not even in the same league as having your air quality ruined by smoke anyway!

MamaBearLockdown · 09/04/2020 13:46

The anti-bonfire rule is MN-specific.

what on earth does that mean? Is MN a specific part of the country? What did I miss?

My area is definitively banning bonfires - regardless of the time.
We should use this opportunity to get them banned full stop. You can always report them and people get fined when they are a nuisance. Which they always are

tallah · 09/04/2020 13:47

People must be bored in lockdown, writing about things that stressed them out two weeks ago! But anyway, no you were not being unreasonable

Chillicheese123 · 09/04/2020 13:47

I just think if people want to be able to have big bonfires in their garden, play loud music all day, whatever, then they need to re evaluate their lifestyle of living in a suburban or built up area and consider that what they might be better of doing is living rurally with some land they can safely and happily achieve this lifestyle in. I know it seems extreme and it’s not possible for everyone but you have to be sensible, people move to the country from flats in London because they want their kids to have outside space etc. it’s the same thing, you want to be able to have a fire in your garden and sit around it with music and a few drinks that’s great but it’s pretty antisocial to do it in a 10ft by 10ft square in Wolverhampton or whatever suburb you’re in.

DoubleTweenQueen · 09/04/2020 13:51

It is really important to not be having bonfires, or any fire during the day, during lockdown. Air quality needs to be kept good to support everyone’s respiratory health. There will be plenty who are isolating at home with respiratory symptoms and an open window is advised by WHO to maintain a healthier and safer atmosphere in the sick room. At night, in a built up area not suitable either.

Bonfires and fires at any other time need to take into account closeness to others, and weather conditions. Wind in the right direction to carry smoke off in direction away from others/inhabited spaces.

You are unreasonable in thinking you were unreasonable. Luckily half of your neighbours has a thought for others. Her response is thoughtless, childish, and her problem, not yours.

Chloemol · 09/04/2020 13:52

The fire service in my area have sent out an alert telling people not to have bonfires. I believe our Borough has banned them

Eckhart · 09/04/2020 13:54

I imagine they fell out because he over-rode what she said instead of backing her up. My parents were like this. So you may have massively inconvenienced them by facilitating a situation that highlights the flaws in their relationship.

Him coming over to see you will have been deliberate to gall her.
Her ignoring you will be deliberate to gall him.

You're placed in the lucky position of not having anything to do with them. Be pleased she's blanking you. It's petty nonsense.

TheMagiciansMewTwo · 09/04/2020 13:56

MamaBear I mean posters on MN always hate bonfires. It's like a rule to get into the MN club. A bit like the mythical MN chicken. Mention a chicken, you'll be told it can feed 500 and last a month. Mention a bonfire and you'll be told they're anti-social and evil.
fwiw I've never had a garden bonfire but I don't subscribe to the anti-social evil view of them. I also don't need unfettered access to my garden at all times. I believe in coming and going with neighbours.

Honeyroar · 09/04/2020 14:02

I think the husband was very fair and reasonable. If the wife is still sulking weeks later who needs a friend like that!

Just an aside, why do people have so much paperwork nowadays?

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