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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect my H to have cut all contact with OW

78 replies

NeedSome1ToHelpMe · 09/04/2020 01:16

This is a very long story for me. So I’ve cut it to the main point.

I found out over 2 years ago that my H had been having an affair for over 12 months and was effectively leading double life with OW. He ‘works away’ 2 or 3 nights a week. He was actually spending those nights with her in her house.

After I found out about the affair my H told me it was over and he was no longer in contact with the OW at all. However I’ve just found out that he had actually given her a job.., so they’ve been working together for years now, without me knowing at all. My H has hidden this from me brilliantly. I had no idea!

So, I logged into his mobile phone account and have discovered that they talk to each other for hours most days. He’s told me it’s just work and there’s nothing going on. But I don’t believe him.

We’re in lockdown together and I’m absolutely devastated and completely heartbroken. I feel like such a fool.

My family live miles away. So just me, him and DD.
I feel so alone because I have no one to confide in and no one to help me.

I’ve told him to leave. But he won’t go and says I’m being unreasonable. He says I should just accept there’s nothing going on between him and OW.., it’s just work!

Help! AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
NeedSome1ToHelpMe · 09/04/2020 18:50

I have a job but I’ve never had to deal with bills or mortgage as he controls all of that side of things.

I’m just not sure where to start and I’m not even sure I can afford the legal costs? It’s all just a mess 🥺

OP posts:
JollyJlly · 09/04/2020 18:51

OP sending big hugs. You can do this, in a year you’ll look back and wonder why you ever waited. You can do this 💕

CaffeineInfusion · 09/04/2020 19:05

Bills are easy. Once you set up direct debits they pretty much run themselves. Also, companies will assist you. They want your money after all.

Go onto Martin Lewis site to get info on home expenses.

Divorce is scary. But living with a liar for the rest of your life is even worse. Been there. It's hard but you gain your self respect and confidence grows.

Fluffycloudland77 · 09/04/2020 19:16

Mortgages aren’t that bad, banks make a lot of profit out of them so they want to lend.

You fill a form out, they say yes or no, you buy a house.

Bills are very easy.

Dh paid his lawyer out of equity from the house sale, we just paid court fees. Hi ex made a simple case difficult so the court made her pay half her fees.

1FootInTheRave · 09/04/2020 19:30

Gather your self respect and get rid!

TerrorWig · 09/04/2020 19:46

It’s 2020 OP. You have the entirety of the internet to teach you how to run a household and pay bills.

Please don’t keep him in your life because it’s easier than speaking to a bank.

Scattyhattie · 09/04/2020 19:56

Why would either of them want to work together after its ended, if didn't have to?Hmm
I presume him moving jobs was part of agreement after affair over to help you regain trust too.
It feels scary to make changes until you've done it, then often wish did it sooner. Cheating really messes with trust not just with partner but in other situations having not spotted that deception from someone felt knew well & trusted, I don't think I'd make effort myself to attempt forgive again in future.

RealBecca · 09/04/2020 20:02

Yanbu. Force his hand. Screenshot. Tell him you'll move on or whatever it takes for a few days of nornal then send him out for some shopping, lock the doors and put his stuff outside. Tell him to leave quietly for the sake of your daughter or you'll send the evidence of his cuntyness to his colleagues, Facebook, whatever and shame the fuck out of him.

Sorry your H is such a dick, better luck next time.

Winterlife · 09/04/2020 20:26

Personally, I would be letting it drop to other directors that his mistress is on the payroll.

I once had a business contact who had been moved by his international company across country, to my city. He was a partner, and headed up a prestigious departmen. We met for an introductory lunch. He brought along a member of his team, a woman who was working in a highly technical field despite having no relevant qualifications - no university degree, no expertise in the area. I thought it odd (and that she'd moved with him), but didn't put two and two together. Neither did his partners, for years. I heard grumblings from underlings about the deficiency of the woman's work, but nothing more. Then, one day, someone figured it out. The company dug up evidence. They were both terminated - her, outright, him, quietly as he was a partner. It was quite the scandal.

MsDogLady · 09/04/2020 20:30

He has lied, cheated, and marginalized you while prioritizing OW. His allegiance is still to her, as evidenced by his creation of a special space for her and his continued constant contact.

Staying with this practiced liar will result in untold anxiety, uncertainty, and diminished self-esteem. Don’t you and your daughter deserve better?

LakieLady · 09/04/2020 20:37

He's a shit. Divorce him and take him to the cleaner's.

Fluffycloudland77 · 09/04/2020 20:49

They bank on you not leaving because you feel you can’t do it on your own.

When dhs managers wife found out he was using sex workers mon to Friday because he worked away she made him leave the job or she’d leave him. So he went to work in the ME, it’s probably not hat hard to buy sex out there and now he’s out there weeks on end.

everyrosehasathorn · 09/04/2020 21:14

He’s my whole world

I’m so sorry but you’re not his whole world. He does not deserve you!

Original poster
NeedSome1ToHelpMe · 09/04/2020 23:24

I know you’re right. I know you are x

But it doesn’t make this any easier. The gradual realisation that I clearly mean nothing to him is truly heartbreaking.

OP posts:
footprintsintheslow · 10/04/2020 00:01

I would contact a solicitor op. Right now you are worrying about the finances of this mess (of his doing) and you are trying to cope with emotional turmoil.

A solicitor will help with the financials so that'll be a bit easier on you and you'll know where you are goi g forward.

What's the OW's homelife setup?

Weenurse · 10/04/2020 00:18

Start by looking for bank statements and financial paperwork so you know your financial position.
Someone will have a list of paperwork for you to find.
Just do it quietly so he doesn’t suddenly move money around.
Then, when’s you have the information, seek legal advice.

Original poster
NeedSome1ToHelpMe · 10/04/2020 07:11

I’ve met the OW. Years ago.
I contacted her by text. She asked to meet. So I went.
She told me she didn’t know he was married. Said if she’d known she would never have had a relationship with him. She told me she’d leave him alone and not have anything more to do with him! I believed her!

I’ve contacted the OW again a few weeks ago. She basically told me same as H.., just work! Then told me to F off and if I contacted her again she’d phone police and tell them I was harassing and threatening her. I haven’t done either. I’m not a bad person. I just wanted someone to tell me what’s going on.., to tell me the truth. But I’m too scared to contact her again now.

She’s single. Has her own house and child.., from a previous affair with a married man! She was quite quick to tell me that so I guess I should’ve known then what kind of person she was. I told H way back then that she’s just a home wrecker but I guess he doesn’t care.

My H and I have never had joint bank account. He has always been the main earner. And has always sorted all financial stuff just telling me not to worry and if we couldn’t afford something he’d let me know. But I have no idea how much money he/we have.

I don’t care about material things. All I’ve ever wanted is a beautiful happy family who love each other and love spending time together. That’s what I thought I had.

OP posts:
footprintsintheslow · 10/04/2020 07:22

You need to start accessing financial information.
I presume you know which bank your account is with. Contact them to set up internet banking in your name as a joint account holder. Do this over the phone on your daily walk so he doesn't know you are doing it.

Tessie87 · 10/04/2020 07:23

Not having a clue about your own financial situation is such a mistake. I'm sorry to sound harsh but as a couple you could be up to your eyeballs in debt and you wouldn't have a clue. There could be multiple loans, remortgaging. The works. This man has already proved himself untrustworthy so as previous posters have suggested, now is the time to assert some control over the finance and find out what's going on. You have a right to know what's coming in and going out, regardless of him being the higher earner. And as I said in my previous post, you absolutely can do this, it won't be easy but you will feel so much happier in the long run.

SummerWhisper · 10/04/2020 07:37

If she is now telling you to fuck off and threatening you with the police if you contact her again - after just a small amount of contact - then she has plenty to hide and a lot to lose. It's not a coincidence that you don't have access to your finances.

Please make contact with a solicitor. You can get 15 - 30 minutes' free advice. I suspect you are being financially shafted by the pair of them. You need to act right now. I'm so sorry.

PippaPegg · 10/04/2020 07:39

YABU for expecting him to change. YABU for believing more of his lies.

Come on now.

BurneyFanny · 10/04/2020 07:49

OP you’re what, late thirties or early forties? You’re young. You can do this.

ambereeree · 10/04/2020 08:37

OP I met a man like your husband once. Full of deceit and happily lived a double life... Even spoke about marriage to his "girlfriend". Leave him.

Greenkit · 10/04/2020 09:35

Time to find your "Big Girl Pants" and get angry.

You are no fool!!

Solicitor first thing
Find all the paperwork
Marriage certificate
Passport
Bills
And his bank details

IndieTara · 10/04/2020 09:41

Why has he done what the OW demanded but ridden roughshod over your wants and feelings?