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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect my H to have cut all contact with OW

78 replies

NeedSome1ToHelpMe · 09/04/2020 01:16

This is a very long story for me. So I’ve cut it to the main point.

I found out over 2 years ago that my H had been having an affair for over 12 months and was effectively leading double life with OW. He ‘works away’ 2 or 3 nights a week. He was actually spending those nights with her in her house.

After I found out about the affair my H told me it was over and he was no longer in contact with the OW at all. However I’ve just found out that he had actually given her a job.., so they’ve been working together for years now, without me knowing at all. My H has hidden this from me brilliantly. I had no idea!

So, I logged into his mobile phone account and have discovered that they talk to each other for hours most days. He’s told me it’s just work and there’s nothing going on. But I don’t believe him.

We’re in lockdown together and I’m absolutely devastated and completely heartbroken. I feel like such a fool.

My family live miles away. So just me, him and DD.
I feel so alone because I have no one to confide in and no one to help me.

I’ve told him to leave. But he won’t go and says I’m being unreasonable. He says I should just accept there’s nothing going on between him and OW.., it’s just work!

Help! AIBU?

OP posts:
Lippy1234 · 09/04/2020 15:50

He’s not your whole world , he is just part of it.

AnyFucker · 09/04/2020 15:53

Get the divorce under way. He has mugged you off for years...find your self respect.

What would you advise your daughter to do in this situation ?

HotChoc10 · 09/04/2020 16:08

Oh you poor thing. You can't stay with him though, splitting up might be painful for a long time but I think in a year or two you will be very glad not to be with someone so untrustworthy and cruel.

Fluffycloudland77 · 09/04/2020 16:12

YANBU at all.

This is precisely why people on here are so in favour of women leaving at the first sign of infidelity, it saves so much heartbreak being repeated.

As for owing her, well what’s she going to do eh? Tell you when you already know?. I don’t think so.

OhLook · 09/04/2020 16:16

Unreasonable, no. Naive to think he would, yes.

Happygirl79 · 09/04/2020 16:17

Its the lies that are the most damaging to a relationship
Whether outright lies or hidden lies
Can you trust him?
If you feel you can then you can try to move forward but if you feel you can't you should make a break for your own sanitys sake
I wish you well for your future

Faith50 · 09/04/2020 16:27

I am so sorryFlowers

Just when you think you have got over the fact that he had an affair for one year, he then floors you with this. Not many would recover from their spouse having a one year affair.

Your dh has betrayed you again even after witnessing the pain you went through. He has prioritised the ow over you by being willing to lie about giving her a job which allowed them to stay in contact. Ow could have worked anywhere, your dh could have written an excellent reference. He should have cut her off immediately.

The job offer was to benefit your dh. As a poster said the ow could not threaten him as you already knew by this point, unless there is more information.

I could not forgive this. It would destroy me.

ItsAllTheDramaMickIJustLoveIt · 09/04/2020 16:32

My theory about infidelity... One of the worst things is that the person has taken away your choices. They have all the information and make their choices. They give you crumbs of information and you can't.

This is so true and I think sums up my feelings when I’ve been on the receiving end of infidelity.

OP, you need to keep reminding yourself as many times as it takes that you are not the unreasonable one here, he is. It’s not unreasonable to not believe him- he’s cheated on you, lied and then deceived you for literally years! He’s a cunt.

TheOrangeFox · 09/04/2020 16:37

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. You forgiving him and working on the marriage together is surely on the provision that all contact had ceased.

Is it possible to kick him out? I would.

Dandarabilla · 09/04/2020 16:43

Kick the fucker out.

MegaClutterSlut · 09/04/2020 17:10

He's a snidey fucker who has put ow before you. You will never trust a word he says ever again so as painful as it will be, I don't
think there is any other choice but to kick his deceiving arse out. If you let him stay you will forever be wondering what hes up to and that's no way to live

MegaClutterSlut · 09/04/2020 17:12

And then to create a job role for the OW, that's on a Cunt level. Totally unforgivable imo

CalmdownJanet · 09/04/2020 17:13

He owed her? Wtf about what he owed you?

Well if he gave her a job then she now owes him so she can put the lying cunt up in her house.

Don't allow him to gaslight you op, you deserve so much better

HollowTalk · 09/04/2020 17:14

Honestly, OP, there's nothing that can be done with a man like this. He deliberately restructured his new organisation to make room for her. He is not going to give her up.

I couldn't share lockdown with him. Either I'd get him out of the house whatever it took or I'd go to my mum's with my child. I couldn't bear to look at him.

0nTheEdge · 09/04/2020 17:18

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It sounds like he's a complete prick and has no respect for you at all. Are you able to start making your exit plan? If you are able to get out, I would definitely do it. You are worth more than this.

Bluntness100 · 09/04/2020 17:23

Cmon op, no dumped woman demands a job with the bloke who dumped her demanding he owes her and no bloke who did the dumping gives her a role then talks to her for hours a day. That’s a batshit lie.

Whether he is still sleeping with her, I don’t know and couldn’t comment, but he’s clearly keeping her close, and the frequent chatting daily would be a red flag.

As for him being “your whole world” that’s a little concerning too. Are you financially independent?

Nottherealslimshady · 09/04/2020 17:29

It doesn't matter if he's still having sex with her. He chose her over you. He knew you'd be upset, so he hid it from you. But it was more important to him to either not upset her or to maintain a relationship with her. You and he both know he should have cut all contact with her at the very least. To hide anything from you after that is far from an attempt to prove to you he can be trusted. Hes continued to lie to you. How old is your daughter?

Bluntness100 · 09/04/2020 17:47

It doesn't matter if he's still having sex with her. He chose her over you

That’s contradictory, if he chose the op he’d not be in a romantic relationship with someone else. If indeed he is.

EKGEMS · 09/04/2020 17:50

Sounds like you prefer to stay with the devil you know (and let's face it he's satan himself) than the devil you don't. Imagine your life free of this lying,cheating,disrespectful bastard! A life of peace and happiness!

Hidingtonothing · 09/04/2020 17:54

Splitting will be hard, but staying with someone you can't trust would be infinitely harder and what you've now discovered tells you very clearly that you can never trust this man. I'm so sorry OP, you must be reeling so give yourself time to collect yourself before you make any decisions, let the shock recede and the anger set in before you act. I think you will have to act though, this man will destroy your self esteem and MH if you stay Flowers

sonjadog · 09/04/2020 17:59

He has zero respect for you. He will do exactly as he wants and doesn't care what you think or feel about it.

cosytoaster · 09/04/2020 18:02

It's almost definitely still going on. He's already demonstrated his capacity for lying so why on earth would you ignore the evidence and believe him now?
It's up to you whether you can live like this, plenty of women turn a blind eye and do, I know that I couldn't. If you choose to end it, it will be hard at first but you will be absolutely fine!

Womenwotlunch · 09/04/2020 18:26

Whether he’s still seeing her is not the point.
He has proved himself to be a lying , deceitful toe rag.
You need to get rid of him now

Sloth66 · 09/04/2020 18:35

He sounds a vile devious piece of work.
Any trust you still had in him is surely gone...
For your self respect, start by phoning a lawyer for advice.

Pumpkinpie1 · 09/04/2020 18:49

Do you work ?
I think you need to start looking after yours & childs financial interests
As he seems adept at creating jobs for the women in his life maybe it’s time to join the family business yourself ?
Fantasy worlds tend to crash in the light of reality . If you want him start playing hardball & if not start playing hardball & protect your financial future !