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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex won’t compromise

71 replies

Unsure12 · 08/04/2020 14:35

Hello All,

I’m new to this and just looking for a little bit of advice if possible. I have recently split with the father of my 2 DC. He told me he had never loved me and had never wanted to be with me, the only reason he stayed was for the children. However, I have recently found out he has since practically moved in with another woman and was having an affair for the last 6-8 months of the relationship. Regardless of this he is still the father of my children and I would never stop their relationship. The only problem is that he lives an hour away and still wants the children to start school over there from September. He says he wants them half the week and every other weekend. I just do not believe that is in the best interest of the children at all. I’m tried explaining however he’s not willing to listen. I’ve always sat back and allowed him to get what he wants for an easy life (or what I thought would be). I’ve said this isn’t beneficially due to the kids not having a set routine, sleeping pattern and such would be all over. I have always been the one who takes the kids to school, picks them up, just everyday life. I’ve said that life with children is not black and white. What happens when they’re ill and need picking up from school? What happens when they need to go to the doctors or dentist? I think the best option would be for them to go to school near me. My work is a lot more flexible and there is a larger support system near me for those times when things just don’t go smoothly. I’ve offered him 1 week night for a few hours and every weekend or 3 out of 4. I told him he can still be there for parents evening or other things but he’s not seeing it clearly. He threatens court and to take the kids if I dare to think differently than he does. He also is threatening to use my mental health against me if it ever does go to court. He never provided for the children and has no idea what day to day life with kids consists of. AIBU?

OP posts:
FortunesFave · 08/04/2020 14:40

Don't even talk about this with him any longer.

Not one single word about it.

How are you currently corresponding? Texts or phone calls?

Get legal advice immediately and enroll your children in school near you asap.

DO NOT let him have any of their paperwork.

NoMorePoliticsPlease · 08/04/2020 14:44

I second getting a lawyer

Phillipa12 · 08/04/2020 14:44

How old are the children?
Are you still living in the family home and will you continue to live in the family home?
What support do you have locally?
Personally i would let him threaten court. Even if you suffer with mental health problems as long as children are thriving and happy it wont be held against you. Has your ex always been a bully when he cant get his way?

nellythenarwhal · 08/04/2020 14:47

Courts prefer to minimize change for the kids so don't worry about that. Your mental health won't mean that you lose your kids either unless it prevents you from taking care of them. He's just trying to scare you.

I would not agree to the kids going to school 1 hours away. The travel will be brutal for them. Imagine what time you'd be leaving your home to drop them off!

In your shoes I'd welcome court. There is no benefit for the kids to move school. It sounds like he is trying to make things harder for you.

Original poster
Unsure12 · 08/04/2020 14:48

Hello, thank you for responding. We are speaking over text. I have spoken to a solicitor who said I am well within my rights to move their schools. The children are 4 and 3. Both starting reception in September. I’ve already started getting the ball rolling however he is making me question myself. Yes he has never like not getting his own way. I’ve had 7 years of silent treatment yet he claims I’ve emotionally abused him all the time Confused

OP posts:
Stronger76 · 08/04/2020 14:49

Who moved an hour away, and where do the kids usually stay?

Original poster
Unsure12 · 08/04/2020 14:50

I am currently living with my mum and siblings as he has made sure he has benefitted from everything. He owes me a lot of money but refuses to give me it until he’s ready to. I have a lot of family around, who would be willing to look after children if push came to shove.

OP posts:
ChewChewIsMySpiritAnimal · 08/04/2020 14:51

I agree stop talking to him about it and get a lawyer. Let him make the next move. You are the primary carer and that counts for something. Surely they already have their school places anyway? You mention school pickups, so presume at least one of them is already at school so he wants to change their schools and uproot their whole life... Why? To make sure he remains in charge of you all?

Original poster
Unsure12 · 08/04/2020 14:51

I had to move as he said I wasn’t entitled to anything. The kids stay with me and have been going to him on a Friday - Sunday afternoon.

OP posts:
Changedname78 · 08/04/2020 14:51

Do not offer him every weekend, you need time with them too. Every other weekend and a night in the week if possible is perfect, I’d also offer splitting the holidays

AmericanAdventure · 08/04/2020 14:52

Do not let the children go to school closer to him than you. You might find that he will become the resident parent if this is the case. Enroll the children in the school closest to you.

Grumpos · 08/04/2020 14:53

I’m sorry you’re going through this.

Do you think would realistically want this level of access when he has never done the school runs and childcare in the past? Is he using this as a power play?

Honestly I’d be very tempted to let him “take you to court” - it’ll cost him a fair bit and you’ll have to do meditation first anyway. In which you can present your willingness to support their relationship but not at the expense of their school routine etc.

It definitely does not make sense for them to go to school an hour away from their residential home. He left you after conducting an affair, he does not get to dictate anything else about your life.

Can you afford a solicitor? Even just to get some
Basic advice? If so, please seek legal advice.

Grumpos · 08/04/2020 14:55

Mediation - not meditation! Blush

Original poster
Unsure12 · 08/04/2020 15:00

To be honest I don’t think he wants the access. He just likes the control. I had already applied for the children’s school before we split as we was living with his parents whilst renovating a house we purchased.

I’ve tried to change schools but with this whole corona outbreak it’s tough to get anything done. I can’t really afford a solicitor. They’ve given me basic advice but I’m still unsure as to what to do. I feel like I need to constantly be on guard cause he’ll just say and do anything to get his own way.

OP posts:
BlingLoving · 08/04/2020 15:00

So, you are the primary parent and were the DC's main caregiver when you were together? You have had to move in with your family as you have no financial resources and he has not paid you anything in the form of maintenance or lump sums since you separated (are you actually divorced yet?). And he currently has the DC on weekends?

Hahaha. Text him that he is welcome to take you to court - the judge will laugh him out of there. In the meantime, continue preparing to enrol children in local school and stay in touch with your solicitor.

Umnoway · 08/04/2020 15:01

What a wanker. Courts generally only allow the NRP contact EOW and one weekday so it equates to about eight days a month. They want to disrupt the children’s life as little as possible.

BubblesBuddy · 08/04/2020 15:02

Do your DC have a school piece where you live? You are past the registration date for YR which was in January. So what place have they actually got?

I would enrol them where you are now living. However has he moved out of your home? Has he moved in with his girlfriend?

I suggest you get a solicitor and go to court to get contact and schooling agreed. You could try and defer your 3 year old if they are a summer born DC. Talk to your LA if you want to do this.

nellythenarwhal · 08/04/2020 15:07

Great that you have legal advice.

Let him take you to court if he wants but I'd check with your legal advice about the "I had to move as he said I wasn’t entitled to anything." If you were married you are definitely entitled to a share of his assets.

As for long-term child contact, don't agree to him having every Friday-Sunday. Once school has started you will want (and be entitled to) every other weekend for some chilling out and quality time with the kids. 50% of school holidays is obviously fine to agree to but the autumn term in particular is very long and your child will be desperate for chilling at the weekend.

Lumierecandle · 08/04/2020 15:09

If he hasn’t previously been involved in the day to day care of the children he is probably just seeking to control you or avoid paying any child support. As much as you can’t afford a solicitor, he sounds so unreasonable I’m sad to say you probably can’t afford NOT to get a solicitor.
Your poor kids are very young to be constantly shifting between two households especially when one parent doesn’t really know their routine or how to care for them. It would be so sad if this arrangement was inflicted on them.
Can you speak to the school and arrange to send any enrolment paperwork to them electronically instead?
What is happening to the property you jointly own together? Why are you under the impression you are not entitled to any of the equity in it?

FortunesFave · 08/04/2020 15:09

I also would not let him have the children until court orders it. He might not hand them back and that can be VERY hard to fix. He's not paying, he doesn't get them.

FortunesFave · 08/04/2020 15:10

Once all this is over, enrol them in school immediately.

ChrissieKeller61 · 08/04/2020 15:10

Easier said than done but don't worry about it, he's talking out his arse. The courts will not take your children and give them to him.

Original poster
Unsure12 · 08/04/2020 15:11

Yes bling all that is true. We were never married thank god but it’s still a rubbish situation.

bubbles I’m waiting to see what school place they receive. I should find out next week. However I have spoke to admissions for near me and they have said I should receive place in may once the first wave have been rolled out. Due to people not accepting places or moving etc. He currently stays with his girlfriend most nights but has the children at his parents when they stay with him. Which I am grateful for.

OP posts:
Original poster
Unsure12 · 08/04/2020 15:22

lumierecandle - we were never married. We have jointly owned 2 properties however I got into debt as I was having to pay for everything whilst he saved and bought a new sports car. The house we were renovating is solely in his name. In hindsight I should have got it in writing stating that I put half the deposit down.

OP posts:
Myohmy111 · 08/04/2020 15:23

As someone who works for the family court I would say that unless he can demonstrate that you pose a risk to the children, there’s absolutely no chance of him succeeding in court. You have been the children’s main carer and right now they need stability. What you have offered is very reasonable so please don’t worry about his threats.