Ex won’t compromise

[Unsure12]

Hello All,

I’m new to this and just looking for a little bit of advice if possible. I have recently split with the father of my 2 DC. He told me he had never loved me and had never wanted to be with me, the only reason he stayed was for the children. However, I have recently found out he has since practically moved in with another woman and was having an affair for the last 6-8 months of the relationship. Regardless of this he is still the father of my children and I would never stop their relationship. The only problem is that he lives an hour away and still wants the children to start school over there from September. He says he wants them half the week and every other weekend. I just do not believe that is in the best interest of the children at all. I’m tried explaining however he’s not willing to listen. I’ve always sat back and allowed him to get what he wants for an easy life (or what I thought would be). I’ve said this isn’t beneficially due to the kids not having a set routine, sleeping pattern and such would be all over. I have always been the one who takes the kids to school, picks them up, just everyday life. I’ve said that life with children is not black and white. What happens when they’re ill and need picking up from school? What happens when they need to go to the doctors or dentist? I think the best option would be for them to go to school near me. My work is a lot more flexible and there is a larger support system near me for those times when things just don’t go smoothly. I’ve offered him 1 week night for a few hours and every weekend or 3 out of 4. I told him he can still be there for parents evening or other things but he’s not seeing it clearly. He threatens court and to take the kids if I dare to think differently than he does. He also is threatening to use my mental health against me if it ever does go to court. He never provided for the children and has no idea what day to day life with kids consists of. AIBU?

I am fascinated by the fact both your kids are in the same school year but aren't twins!
Back to the point. Ignore his suggestions and start making your own arrangements. Don't discuss schools, just do it. Register them at a doctors and dentist near you. All this supports the fact that you arew the resident parent.

You move the schools
You get a lawyer
You start documenting all the money he owes
Make sure child benefit is in your name
Register children with GP and dentist near where you live
Make any benefit claims you need to make

Teacher1234 There is 11 months between them. Oldest was born in September, youngest was born in August. Everyone is always confused by that

Accept a school place for each of them. Hopefully at the same school! The LA will have admissions protocol on its web site and they will have rules for appeals and late applicants. You are a late applicant. So stay where you are and accept what is offered. You might not be able to be choosy. This, however, will be sorted before a court case will be heard.

As you are not married, take advice on the house deposit you provided. You do want money out of this separation. Look up your financial records so you can prove what you paid for. If there are two properties you do need advice on what you can retrieve from this relationship in regard to money. He should not be allowed to keep everything. Also, please don’t be such a pushover in future. Get a financial statement agreed before you enter into any contract. Even before marriage if the parties have unequal funds.

I had assumed one dc was a summer birthday given you wanted two YR places. Do ask about deferral for this DC though.

DO NOT tell him if you hear about them getting a school place offer near him.

He will use that as ammunition against you.

If he asks, ignore him. If you can't bring yourself to ignore him, just be vague and say "Not heard yet"

Firstly, I sympathise
Secondly, children are not playthings to be passed round from pillar to post. They need a stable home, that of the primary parent (you) and a secondary home (ex). It's never in the best interests of the child for them to reside 50/50. I work in a primary school, and several of the children live by this arrangement. They honestly don't know if they're coming or going.

You stick by your guns, OP. I can guarantee that when the novelty has worn off - or when the other woman has dripped sufficient poison into his ear - he'll back off. He won't be able to sustain his words.
Good luck.

Start emailing him, no more texts. You need to be able to keep a record.

Keep or get all documents together. Do not give him any docs no matter his reason for needing them.

Document the money put into previous houses and the half deposit and bills paid for current renovation project house.
It will all show on your bank statements so contact the bank for copies and go through them.

Do not agree to 3 out of 4 weeks, go for the common standard of a few hours midweek and every other weekend. You are the primary caregiver and the courts know what standard access looks like.

Get an interest in the house registered. So that he cannot just sell it and then not give you your share. As once that money disappears it's a lot harder to get what you are owed.

Have you got somewhere sorted to live in, or are you still with family. You can use this as a point if you need to take him to court to get your money back.

Stop agreeing with everything he says. Only communicate past pleasantries on drop off/ collection via email. All conversations via email only. That way he cannot twist your words or confuse you. He sounds like a manipulative emotional abuser.

As above do not have discuss things over the phone, email only. Pleasantries and yes access is this weekend at 10am type conversation to confirm what you have agreed via email. But no telephone conversations.

You don't need to be obstructive or aggressive but do not treat him like you are in this together. You are not, he will not allow you to be in this together as he needs to control you. Read up about parallel parenting.

This article explains more
www.scarymommy.com/cant-co-parenting-with-a-toxic-ex/

Good luck op.

I am only looking at the facts here - You may need to go through solicitors and court to secure the school place etc. If your ex has parental responsibility then school choices, drs etc should be a joint decision. You are the one who moved areas and if he is able to complete school runs etc there may be an argument for 50/50.

I would ensure it is documented who would be collecting and dropping the children at school etc and ensure you collate as much evidence as possible to support your side.

Do also make sure you are claiming the child maintenance your children are entitled to. Currently he has them 2 nights a week so this is factored in. When the children start school, will he still have them weeknights at all? Courts are reluctant to lower contact but will say every other weekend so you get quality time also.

sayitaintso I have spoken to a solicitor and he said I was well within my rights to move their school as I am the primary carer. I was reluctant though as I have also read that it should be a joint decision. I’m willing for him to have 50/50. I just don’t believe it is fair on children to spend half a week at each parents house. What happens with routines, schedules etc.

I don’t want to lower contact as I’ve told him I’m happy for him to have them as much as he can. All I want for my children is structure and stability and I don’t really believe I’m asking for much. I was forced out and would have been homeless if I did not move back to my mums.

I made a claim for child maintenance and he said he’s not willing to pay it. I currently provide everything for the children and send it all over when they stay the night. Eg clothes, nappies for on a night, toys etc.
It’s an awful situation which I’ve looked at from both sides. I don’t want my children to miss out on their father but I don’t want to lose out on their childhood based on his decisions and choices.

Your solicitor is not right sadly as he has as much rights in saying where they go as you. As you have read it is a joint choice and it could be argued you had already agreed a school prior to this. Get mediation immediately and ball rolling as if he will not agree you need the courts to decide for you and the sooner the better.

You say you're willing to do 50/50? That would have to involve school nights? It can work very successfully but days need to be set and you do need to be able to coparent and communicate which he does not seem to want to engage with currently. Need mediation ASAP. And if it doesn't work court- self represent and its £215

Stop sending anything with them. He is their father and his responsibility to provide for them also. Perhaps when he realises this he will start to back down and be more amicable.

I’m getting confused now. The op has moved in with her parents. She now wishes DC to go to a school near her parents home, where she is living, and not near ex, who is an hour away. Is this correct? If they have a school place near ex, this can be relinquished if a new school place is offered near her parents home. Ex doesn’t want this. However I would do it if a suitable place is offered. She needs two places though and that might not be easy as a late applicant. I would get the school place and argue about who goes to what parent afterwards. Why should he control the school places?

Ex would presumably find it hard to do 50:50 if the school is an hour from where he’s living. See a solicitor who knows a bit more about family law/money and mediation could well be the way forward as it’s cheaper. However I wouldn’t offer 50:50 to start with as it’s too disruptive. Every other weekend perhaps starting on a Friday. Keep school days to you.

All you need to do is say no.

He won't take it to court because he doesn't have 30k I wouldn't have thought and the court would agree with you.

Mental health? What does he mean? depression, anxiety courts couldn't give a shit, he probably caused it any way.

Psychotic and raving they might not be too happy about.

What were his answers to the questions about doctors/dentists and unexpected pick ups?

Your husband is emotionally abusive. He will let his children live in poverty so he can keep a fancy woman and a fancy car. He would move them to an unsuitable school just to piss you off. And you think it would be good for the children to spend loads of time with him. You think this would make for a happier childhood. Are you on glue?

Your long term financial future would improve by him actually taking his half of the responsibility for the children. You shouldn’t have to modify your career to cover every drop off and pick up, every sick day, etc. if he actually wants to do his part, consider how that could actually work. It might not work for you and the kids, but it shouldn’t be dismissed automatically.

madcatladyforever I suffer with depression, I have done on and off for 13 years. I have had suicidal thoughts but never done anything that would actually put myself or my children at harm. He is now using this against me and saying I am an unstable parent and he doesn’t trust me around the children. Yet he’s still allowing them to live with me which I don’t understand?

LannieDuck - he said he would be willing to pick the children up if need be. Never even answered about doctors. His job isn’t flexible to some extent though. If kids are ill you have to drop everything and get there ASAP, he works as an electrician and I can’t seem him being able to leave half way through a job.

torktorkbam the more I speak about it the more I realise how abusive he is being. I don’t think it’s best for the children to spend loads of time with him but I do agree he is their father and I can’t change that.

My mother is abusive. The worst thing "nice" adults did for me was to push me to have poor boundaries with her because she is my mother and no one can change that. Your words give me a chill. I recommend rethinking your approach.

50-50 he wont need to pay maintence to you!

zpersonally i think 50/50 is awful for young children, they dont know if they are coming or going

get them enrolled in a school near you, doctors etc, andi would reconsider the 50-50

I agree 50/50 is not the best for young children. I offered Friday - Sunday plus a week night and he said it’s not enough. I don’t know what more I could offer without practically giving my children away.

TorkTorkBam - I also came from an abusive childhood, not on me personally but I witnessed everything. I agree I shouldn’t push the kids to see him, I don’t want them to resent me in the long run. I always give them choices and I’m trying my damn hardest to provide a better life than I had. It’s just so hard when everyone has an opinion and wants to judge others so harshly.

All I want is what’s best for the children, if I had to live in a bin for the rest of my life to provide the best bloody care for them I would. I don’t believe that’s been reciprocated on his behalf. So I’m going to do what I believe is best (making sure I get as much legal advice as is possible). I want to do everything by the book and not make rash decisions on a whim. However, I can’t travel do an hour school run (4 hours twice a day there and back) for the next 13 years of my life at least.

No you cannot so you make the decision regarding the school. I do think DCs should see their father and you must facilitate this. Ask for mediation. Are you married or not?

They always threaten that they will use the mother's mental health, if that's ever happened to have been precarious, against her.

Courts in general take a dim view of this behaviour. Document, document, document.

Bubbles No were not married.

Marie I don’t understand why they do this though. I’ve never dismissed my children’s needs because of it and they’ve always been support and loved regardless of how I feel inside. What do I need to document? I never thought I’d be in this situation and feel like I’m a bit naive to it all. I really do appreciate everybody’s help.

My understanding is that the parent claiming child benefit ultimately decides where the children attend school

Op give yourself some time......dont engage in a conversation to much just take a step back.
Are the kids seeing their father at this time???