Hello @Unsure12
I totally get your uncertainty. I have walked a similar path.
My circumstances are very different NOW but 5 years ago they were like yours.
All your questions and all your worries are answered in the same way though. There have been some good replies up thread. All the people saying IGNORE him are correct.
This little bit of advice is because I work in a school so this is also very good advice.
Get them into school where you live now. Once in school, do meet the head and give a quick and non biased outline of your circumstances.
Consider deferring your younger child to next year. Think about the benefit of having them a year apart in school. Make a list and include emotional health for each without a competing sibling in their class.
Onto your ex.
Email communication only. If he calls you, tell him you're busy and to email you. Stop immediately talking to him.
If you need to make childcare arrangements, be blunt, short and text times and places. Ignore any replies.
Get a new email address for you going forward. Bit of a chore but then you can ignore him even more. So your current inbox becomes your old inbox which you don't have to check very often. (this was advice to me from Met police and it was very good advice!)
Take some personal moral high ground for yourself. You have always put your children first and no, he has not. He can do better and needs to prove it before you allow him trust. You can HOPE he will be an amazing father and allow him time and space to be so. If he actually isn't a very good father in the first place, then now is the time to admit it to yourself and stop feeling let down by your choice of sperm provider.
You won't change him ever. Don't hope or expect. If he changes and proves it, then that's brilliant.
Carry on with your life in your new town. Contact should be EOW and one night in the week for dinner - this is enough at their age especially when starting school as it's a big deal and they are tired. Do not back down. Just say NO. Offer half school holidays or alternate half terms.
So he will threaten and whine and whinge. And make you doubt yourself.
In my life NOW I have had to get legal advice and I am currently waiting for my ex to maybe / maybe not take me to court.
I have a great lawyer and finally I feel confident because he talks me through what could happen. I've spent maybe £600 in two occasions and no need to spend more (ok, my circumstances are not identical so this isn't gospel for you).
Regarding court. He can threaten as much as he likes. He cannot take you to court until you have been to mediation. So first step is he approaches a mediator company who contact you and suggest mediation. You can say yes please or no thank you. If you advise them of any domestic abuse (do look into this but I'll keep it separate for now) then you will not be expected to attend mediation.
Or choose to go if you think it appropriate and know you can back out if he acts like an arse.
So, let's assume you say no thank you (you do need a reason for this). Only then can he go to court. He has to get a lawyer to represent his case and apply. You would be summoned to the (his) local family court.
Next, the Court will appoint Cafcass to speak to you both. He will probably say lots of horrid things about you (she's mental). You meanwhile hold the upper hand and calmly tell them you are moving on with your life and just want the best situation for the children and show them the calm emails you sent him offering EOW and dinner once a week. You won't bad mouth him or offer an opinion other than ask them what do they think is best for young children starting school because you think home life near school is important at this age.
Cafcass make a report to the judge and the judge rules. You now have a court order regarding the children. You don't have to spend a single penny. He has spent upward of £6k on lawyers and court fees. You represented yourself quietly.
Of course it might not go like that, and you can read 100's of horror stories of when it goes wrong but if you are calm and making a new sensible life for the children, then you know this is the right thing to do so have some belief in yourself. I moved 45 min drive away. It was absolutely the right thing to do.
I would recommend you get some counselling before you get a lawyer to determine how he has negatively impacted your life and how you can now live a much happier life without him.
Sorry that was so long!! I was so similar to you. Longing for my ex to step up and be an amazing person, logical, kind, a kind parent. But no, he endlessly caused rows and sadness and disruption. Constantly blamed and accused me.
I haven't spoken to him in 3 years. When I used to do drop and collects, he drove both ways and swaps were done in public car parks. I kept all chat about him healthy with the kids (6 and 3 at split) and to this day, they don't hear me say anything negative about him.
I really did wash him out of my life.