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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I being controlling?

58 replies

Anon000 · 08/04/2020 09:22

Dd's dad (separated) asked today if he could take her to London next year, she'll have just turned 2.
4 hr train ride, 2 changes. For a comicon convention.
I asked if I was invited, we're on good terms and was unsure about committing to letting her go alone, I admit I'm a very "attached" parent. Whatever that means. He said sure, so I thought why not.

Then he said he'd be meeting up with his online friends, which is when I began to waver. A weekend in london as a separated family, is a lot different to him going to london with friends and me tagging along as an awkward ex if you ask me. So he tried to convince me by saying "DD will get loads of hugs and attention from them!"

Aibu and controlling to have said a flat out no?! "Hugs and attention" from a group of online strangers, who he's only met once in his life, if that, to my 2 year old? No way would I be comfortable with that. He thinks I'm mad and paranoid.

OP posts:

katmarie · 08/04/2020 09:25

I think you have to ask yourself if your 2 year old will benefit from going to this event. Comic-con can be incredibly busy, lots of people in weird wonderful and potentially scary and confusing costumes. I wouldn't take my 2 year old, it would be hard work for me and for him.

ThanosSavedMe · 08/04/2020 09:25

Not sure what a 3 year old will get out of comicon to be fair

ThanosSavedMe · 08/04/2020 09:25

2 year old not 3

OhCaptain · 08/04/2020 09:25

I don’t think YABU to not want her getting hugs and attention from randomers on the internet ( and that’s a pretty weird thing to say).

I think YABVU to muscle in on his weekend. She wouldn’t be “alone” she’d be with her parent.

And even if he wasn’t meeting friends, it wouldn’t have been a family trip to London because you weren’t invited. You pushed in.

NoMorePoliticsPlease · 08/04/2020 09:26

stupid idea

motortroll · 08/04/2020 09:28

It's a stupid idea to take a 2 year old to comicon.

But you don't get to tell him what to do during his contact time unless it's actually unsafe.

Let him find out what a stupid idea it is!!

userabcname · 08/04/2020 09:29

Aside from the fact it's not an appropriate event for a toddler, the idea of dragging my 2 yo on a 4 hr train journey to a day long event in London makes me break out in a cold sweat. He does know 2 year olds aren't generally known for their compliance, good humour and polite behaviour, right?! We made the mistake of a city break with our just turned 2 year old last year. At the end of it we decided we aren't going on another family trip for about 10 years!

Lllot5 · 08/04/2020 09:31

I take it comic con is where people go to talk about comics?
Why would you take a 2 year old I don’t know. The idea that she would get hugs and attention from strangers would be a good thing shows how skewed his thinking is.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 08/04/2020 09:31

I think it sounds like an odd idea, a young child will get bored after half an hour and what's he planning to do to entertain her?

But at that age he would surely be with her all the time so I wouldn't be worried about her safety, it's not like hes going to ask strangers to take her to the toilet or look after her.

If he has regular contact with her, I think he can decide what he does on those days. You can suggest that you think your daughter might be bored, but I think a flat out no is a bit harsh and might lead to more frosty relations between you or him not asking permission next time which will be worse for her in the long term

Booboostwo · 08/04/2020 09:32

Her father will be there, he won't exactly abandon her in the care of strangers! Of course you are unreasonable. What do you think will happen and how would you like people to be vetted before they are allowed to hug her?

In any case the whole thing is very premature. No one knows what public gatherings will be allowed next year or whether her father will still fancy going or still fancy going with her. Would I take a 2yo to Comicon? No, but he'll either prove us wrong or learn the hard way.

Original poster

Anon000 · 08/04/2020 09:34

Should probably have mentioned, he's never spent a day alone with her, let alone a night. Through his own choice, because he "doesn't know what to do with her" doesn't "know how" to put her for a nap etc.

The idea of them going alone was laughable to be honest. Unless a lot changed in a year.

OP posts:

Winterwoollies · 08/04/2020 09:34

Yeah, he’d probably have a better time if he went without his daughter as he’s meeting up with random online friends.

A two year old is going to get precisely nothing out of Comicon and meeting randoms, and may even be totally freaked out by some of the impressive cosplaying. Some people go to town on it.

Say you don’t think it’ll be suitable and the pair of you stay home and let him get on with it.

AnPo · 08/04/2020 09:34

Does he have any experience of two year olds?? To think that he or your DD would enjoy a trip like that ridiculous expectation. It would most likely be a shit show!

Cherrysoup · 08/04/2020 09:34

2 year old to Comicon? Definitely not! And to meet an unknown bunch of people? No way.

notthemum · 08/04/2020 09:35

Sorry, just No.
Not acceptable for adults he only knows online or by a couple of meetings to be hugging and kissing a two year old.
As pp has said it will be very busy/noisy. Some of the costumes can be quite scary for a small child. Why would an adult male want to take a two year old to something like this ? Your DD will get very little out of it.
Why not suggest saving some cash and going as a separated family to somewhere like Peppa pig land or C Beebies. Maybe a bit boring for both of you but I'm sure your little one will enjoy it much more, at the end of the day her needs/wishes should trump his.

AnPo · 08/04/2020 09:37

Ah saw your update. I was going to ask how much access he has to your DD as it sounds like he has no clue - but thought that was a bit rude. Yeah he's clueless!

Qgardens · 08/04/2020 09:38

Don't say no now out right. Say he'll have to get used to having her alone first and get her used to being without you. Also that you'll have to see how she grows up and whether she would enjoy that sort of thing etc. Then actually review it when she is older.

I have to say ATM yanbu.

RoseyOldCrow · 08/04/2020 09:40

It would be totally unfair on the child, in so many ways. So - No!

UnfinishedSymphon · 08/04/2020 10:13

Why can't he just go on his own to meet his friends, no reason at all to take his daughter

Backtothenewme · 08/04/2020 10:20

I would say no to comicon but suggest a more suitable day out and not ask to go along. In the meantime he needs to learn how to look after her properly. Its about keeping your dd safe at the end of the day.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 08/04/2020 10:22

Awful idea. I also feel very uneasy about a parent who says their child will get lots of hugs/ attention from strangers!

Babyboomtastic · 08/04/2020 10:27

Rubbish idea, but you shouldn't be having a day on what they do during his contact time (unless it's grossly innapropriate), in the same way you don't need to run your plans for day trips through with him.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 08/04/2020 10:27

Well whether he takes her not he should be having time alone with her so he can learn to do these things.

AdoptAdaptImprove · 08/04/2020 10:28

I’ll bet he’s got a cosplay idea which involves her - Luke Skywalker with Yoda on his back, or something, and that’s why he’s proposing it. Lots of families do go to ComicCon with littles, and if they’re okay with the crowds and the costumes, then most of them look I like they’re having a great time. But it very much depends on knowing your child, and I’m not sure from what you say how well he knows his.

Original poster

Anon000 · 08/04/2020 10:30

We do run our plans and trips through each other though. We mainly go anywhere "big" together as we like to enjoy family time. Infact he's currently living with me and Dd, so we can stick together through the Covid-19 uncertainty.

I know many will probably say we're doing it wrong, but not every family is the same.

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