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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being controlling?

58 replies

Anon000 · 08/04/2020 09:22

Dd's dad (separated) asked today if he could take her to London next year, she'll have just turned 2.
4 hr train ride, 2 changes. For a comicon convention.
I asked if I was invited, we're on good terms and was unsure about committing to letting her go alone, I admit I'm a very "attached" parent. Whatever that means. He said sure, so I thought why not.

Then he said he'd be meeting up with his online friends, which is when I began to waver. A weekend in london as a separated family, is a lot different to him going to london with friends and me tagging along as an awkward ex if you ask me. So he tried to convince me by saying "DD will get loads of hugs and attention from them!"

Aibu and controlling to have said a flat out no?! "Hugs and attention" from a group of online strangers, who he's only met once in his life, if that, to my 2 year old? No way would I be comfortable with that. He thinks I'm mad and paranoid.

OP posts:
HeckyPeck · 08/04/2020 10:31

YABU to dictate what he does on his contact time (unless it is putting your daughter at risk of harm)

He is BU to not have his daughter alone for a day ever.

It would be reasonable for you to suggest he needs to build up contact time gradually so he can have her for longer.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 08/04/2020 10:32

So you live together do everything as a family but he is an ex?

Mittens030869 · 08/04/2020 10:36

He won't enjoy it at all if he does that. He'll have a crabby out of routine toddler on his hands and his friends won't want to be around it, will they? Your toddler will be okay, if crabby and possibly teething, but he himself would hate it.

I wouldn't worry about it at this stage, unless you're being asked for a definite decision right now. Chances are that, when he finds out what looking after a toddler involves, he'll be begging you to look after him that weekend. Grin

Original poster
Anon000 · 08/04/2020 10:37

@sweeneytoddsrazor
Yes he'll be moving out again when lockdown's over. There's no rule that says you have to hate your ex

OP posts:
heartsonacake · 08/04/2020 10:38

YABU. You don’t get to dictate or control who your kid sees when they’re with their dad. Dad decides that.

As long as Dad is not abusive, he doesn’t need to ask permission from you about what they do in their time. You don’t even need to know; it’s none of your business.

If you have anxiety issues then that is something you need to fix yourself so it does not interfere with their relationship.

Macncheeseballs · 08/04/2020 10:39

Yabu. Live and let live

sweeneytoddsrazor · 08/04/2020 10:40

There's a huge middle ground between hating your ex and remaining as a family. You can be perfectly friendly and do some joint things with your child but he needs to spend time doing things and looking after the child on his own.

Original poster
Anon000 · 08/04/2020 10:42

I'm perfectly happy for him to spend time on his own, but he never has. Out of his own choice and laziness. I don't think a whole weekend in london is a good place to start

OP posts:
OhCaptain · 08/04/2020 10:42

“Unless a lot changed in a year”

Well yes, a lot CAN change in a year??

The point is that you shouldn’t control what he does during his time with his daughter. She’s as much his as yours.

If you don’t want to feel like the spare part ex, then don’t act like it!

The comic con thing is actually pretty irrelevant. If it goes badly, he’s the one who’ll have to deal with it.

I think a PP is right about the costume idea.

FWIW we go to ComicCon every year as a group and always have kids with a range of ages with us! The sky hasn’t fallen in yet...

OhCaptain · 08/04/2020 10:43

I don't think a whole weekend in london is a good place to start

Well it doesn’t have to be the start does it? Confused

Lolapusht · 08/04/2020 10:43

Don’t answer now. It’s a fantastically daft idea and I wouldn’t even do 4 hours of train travel with a 2 year old, nevermind then have to spend all day doing something they may not be into that has (I’m assuming) no activities geared for her age. She will be bored within 30 mins, will be tired and will want to do something 3 year actually like! If you go, you’ll end up looking after her, trying to keep her entertained while ex has a lovely time meeting up with his mates.

I agree that he’s probably got a cosplay idea in mind that he wants her to do, but that will only work if she’s done it plenty of time’s before and enjoys dressing up and is also used to doing things with him. His comment about his internet mates...WTAF?! Do you think he said it to out your mind at ease that they’re a friendly bunch who will look after her and entertain her? At best, it’s grossly misplaced. I don’t know of any mother who would reply with “Oh, that’s ok then” Confused.

Get him to spend time with her on his own before next year. If he doesn’t show an interest then he wants to take her for his benefit and you can’t do that with toddlers. Choosing to not spend time up until now is pretty sh*t. Don’t mention it and if he does, non-committal answers. He’ll probably give up on the idea.

strawberry2017 · 08/04/2020 10:48

I can't imagine a toddler would enjoy that at all, it will be crowded, and full of people dressed in costumes that she will probably find scary.
It's clearly a trip for him not to actually benefit her which would make me reluctant.
If he said can I take her to peppa pig Land or something for her I would be inclined to say yes but not Comic-Con

Wynston · 08/04/2020 10:48

You admit yourself you are attached prehaps you need to take a step back and let him step up.
He has a year before comic con so plenty of time to work this out.
For what its worth I think its nice that you still do things together.

Mittens030869 · 08/04/2020 10:48

Sorry, I realise that it's a DD not a DS. Blush. It my answer is still the same.

heartsonacake · 08/04/2020 10:49

I don't think a whole weekend in london is a good place to start

a) it’s a year away and yes, a lot can change in a year

b) it doesn’t matter whether or not you think it’s a good place to start. That’s irrelevant. He’s her dad. If it all goes tits up he has to deal with it.

steppemum · 08/04/2020 10:51

Personally I would not take a 2 year old to this, because

  1. she will be bored after 10 minutes
  2. she will be exhausted after the train journey
  3. she will be scared of the costumes
  4. it will be loud and busy and nowhere to play, nothing for her to do
and I coudl write more.

BUT on his contact time, if he wanst to do it, then it is up to him.

The thing that woudl make me say absolutely no, is that he is not used to looking after her.
So, I would say, you need to work up to this. Have her for the whole afternoon, including nap and dinner, on your own.
Have her overnight.
Have her for the weekend.
You need to let go and let him do this. He may get it wrong, he may not be abel to get her to nap the first time. He will need ot find his own way through.

Then, once he is used to looking after her, it is up to him.
I think, that once he is used to looking after her, he will realise that it is a stupid idea.

BusterGonad · 08/04/2020 10:51

You are definitely being controlling. It may not be your place of choice to visit but it's his. That's all that matters.

Candyfloss99 · 08/04/2020 10:51

I think you are BU. You shouldn't muscle in every time he wants to take her somewhere alone. How can he realise he can look after his own child by himself if you always want to go everywhere too?

YouDoYou18 · 08/04/2020 10:52

Yeah I’d definitely say he can take her, he’s her parent too and it’s up to him!

Although I would definitely suggest to him that he has her alone for a few days/nights before so he knows what to expect!

Also, maybe say you will go but not to Comic-Con as you want to give him time with his friends, and then when she starts to hate it he can call you for rescue 😂 but if she really enjoys the time with her dad doing something different and fun you’ve just got a nice weekend to enjoy London!

Candyfloss99 · 08/04/2020 10:52

And you are not even together!! I would say this even if you were together. You need to realise your child has another parent as well and let him parent.

Oldraver · 08/04/2020 10:53

Like others I dont think it an ideal place to take a 2 year old

Though I dont think you can say no to what he wants to do on his weekends.

Next year is a long way off and he can have lots of practise of looking after her. Once he has I reckon he will change his mind over the weekend

FlossieTeacakesFurCoat18 · 08/04/2020 10:54

If he has her for a bit more time on her own under normal circumstances he might realise it's a stupid idea. You can start in your own home as you're living together during lockdown - he gets to do bath and bedtime, he can entertain her while you're busy etc

Original poster
Anon000 · 08/04/2020 10:57

Thanks everyone, I've said if he's used to having her overnight by then, then he can take her. We'll argee on any further thoughts when the time comes.

OP posts:
SeeWhoRustsFirst · 08/04/2020 10:57

Well it seems reasonable for him to take her along (whether he'll still think that when it's over is I guess debatable!). But perhaps it would benefit everybody for him to have her for increasing stretches of time in between now and then. He probably just needs to get his confidence, and you always being there maybe inhibits that a bit (not a criticism).

z0fl0ra · 08/04/2020 11:00

Would it be different when people on here arrange to meet up and have a coffee morning with their toddlers? You don’t know these women you just trust your instinct that they’re nice enough

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