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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask DH for more maintenance?

67 replies

JustinMyJustin · 07/04/2020 11:28

DH left family home in November. We have two DC under three.

When he left we agreed a maintenance figure between us that was slightly more than the CSA calculator said he was required to give. He transfers it every month without fail.

However he hasn’t got round to sorting out his wage payments and they are still going into our joint account. His wage has gone up by approximately £200 ish a month since January as he’s currently doing a lot of overtime. He doesn’t see the DC much (once or twice a week if lucky) because of his hours.

I’ve worked it out via the CSA calculator and he’s now actually giving me slightly less a month than he should be. WIBU to bring it up with him? I’m not working at the moment. I’ve been looking since he left but it’s so hard to find anything that fits around my childcare commitments. I’m really struggling for money atm. My parents frequently buy us food shopping etc. to help us out.

I just don’t know if it’s worth rocking the boat for an extra small amount of money? Thoughts?

OP posts:
FortunesFave · 07/04/2020 11:31

Of course you should. HE should have offered,.

Original poster
JustinMyJustin · 07/04/2020 11:34

@FortunesFave Well this is what I think. I don’t know how he can watch his wage go up and not offer extra? It’s hard to bring it up with him though as he can get annoyed with me very easily when he’s in the wrong mood.

He keeps saying he has no money atm as well, so I feel bad for bringing it up.

OP posts:
MyCatHatesEverybody · 07/04/2020 11:52

Surely he'll just stop doing the overtime?

hellsbellsmelons · 07/04/2020 11:56

What is he spending his money on then if he has none but only gives you around 20%?
You could ask him anyway.
Is the overtime always guaranteed?
I'm not sure overtime is included in the CSA calculation?
Someone else might know.
But he needs to understand that you are struggling and that every little helps!
Are you claiming everything you can?
Have you cut everything back that you can?

HugeAckmansWife · 07/04/2020 11:57

Cms is the minimum, so absolutely he should be contributing more. How lovely for him that he has free childcare on tap so he can choose to do overtime. If he stops, then he can have his children more so the op can work and pay less. Win win. Doubt he'll see it like that though. Unless he is entirely reasonable, go through cms, depersonalise it and untangle the joint account.

Wynston · 07/04/2020 11:58

Is this a private agreement?
As in csa haven't worked out and dont look after the case for you??

HavelockVetinari · 07/04/2020 12:00

As a PP said, CMS is the absolute bare minimum. He should definitely be paying you at least that if not more, make sure he does. Your DC are entitled to that money.

KylieKoKo · 07/04/2020 12:04

I think that you should tell him you're struggling and he might offer. If you go in with the assumption that he's deliberately short changing you you are likely to put his back up. If things are amicable and he's a good dad I'm sure he'll want to make sure the children are provided for. If not then you can consider pursuing him formally.

Original poster
JustinMyJustin · 07/04/2020 12:10

@MyCatHatesEverybody The overtime is a weird one. It’s over his contracted hours but he says he’s got no choice but to do it. They are basically the shifts he’s given and a very dim view would be taken if he complained!

@hellsbellsmelons I believe I’m claiming everything I’m entitled to. I’ve done all the calculations on turn2us etc.

I’ve cut back as much as I can. All none essential DDs etc. have gone. I’ve even had to cancel my dog and cats insurance which really upset me.

I’m really not sure where his money goes. I know he got into some issues with his council tax and had a larger than average bill last month. He let slip on the phone last night that his gas/electric bill is less than £60 a month!Shock His rent is dirt cheap. He never buys new clothes. I’ve asked him where it all goes and he gets really defensive.

@HugeAckmansWife he never takes the DCSad

@Wynston It’s a private agreement

OP posts:
Waveysnail · 07/04/2020 12:10

Depends - is he paying mortgage on the house and any other bill's?

ArnoldBee · 07/04/2020 12:13

If he paid you above before how much extra has he paid? If it works out about right I'd leave it for now.

Genevieva · 07/04/2020 12:15

Rather than mentioning information he might consider confidential, perhaps say you are struggling what with price rises on groceries associated with the lockdown and could he stump up a bit more?

Original poster
JustinMyJustin · 07/04/2020 12:22

@Waveysnail it’s rented but very cheap. He pays the usual bills but they are also pretty cheap from what he’s told me.

@ArnoldBee That’s a good point. I hadn’t looked at it that way. I’d have to work it out.

@Genevieva I could do that.

He’s a bit of a doesn’t realise until it’s pointed out type iyswim? But then given our current relationship state I never know how he’s going to react.

OP posts:
Waxonwaxoff0 · 07/04/2020 12:24

Hmm it's a difficult one. For me it depends how much maintenance he actually pays and if you are struggling.

I never ask my ex for extra when he does overtime but he's on a good salary and pays me £500pm for one child (plus extras when I ask at birthdays/Christmas) which is plenty for me, plus I work so I have my own income too. But every situation is different.

Original poster
JustinMyJustin · 07/04/2020 12:33

@Waxonwaxoff0 I get £250 a month for two children.

OP posts:
Waxonwaxoff0 · 07/04/2020 12:36

£250 is not a lot for 2 children. How is your relationship with him in general, is it amicable?

okiedokieme · 07/04/2020 12:37

Just ask if he can help more because you are struggling. See what he offers initially

letmeinthroughyourwindow · 07/04/2020 12:43

What is his job security like in the current climate?

If he's about to be laid off or furloughed, you could end up with less.

TheBusDriver · 07/04/2020 12:43

Child maintenance is the recommended by the Government. I am not sure how they work that out. If I was him I would cancel my OT as soon as I know this would affect my child maintenance payment.

lyingwanker · 07/04/2020 12:44

CMS do take overtime into account. They work out the % based on the last 3 wage slips. If it goes as far as a deduction from his wages then they work it out month by month.

LemonSqueezy0 · 07/04/2020 12:48

Speak to him, but phrase it carefully. Im not saying be apologetic but if you go in guns blazing saying I see you've earnt X in overtime, you owe more you may get his back up. If he is doing OT due to CV19, then perhaps he has alot on his mind...
Also, only you know his character and how he will react, but will he only pay the bare minimum if his OT goes down after this has ended?

ArfArfBarf · 07/04/2020 12:52

If I was him I would cancel my OT as soon as I know this would affect my child maintenance payment.

Wow, I can’t believe someone would admit this. You’d rather lose the 80% of overtime you’d still keep to stop your children getting 20% of it?

Wynston · 07/04/2020 13:03

I think if it were me I would just ask csa to take over. Cuts out the middle man so to speak.
They will obtain his income from hmrc and work out his annual payments. They will then check it at the end of the year and make sure the children have had the full amount they are entitled to.
I believe it takes away the pressure. And if there is a problem they deal with it.

LGY1 · 07/04/2020 13:03

I wouldn’t alert him to the fact that you see how much he earns as this is very useful info for the future & prompt him to hide it, then you will never know.

I would firstly use the current circumstances as the reason you are asking. Seems perfectly reasonable & see what he says

Secondly I would just use this as a prompt, in a few months to speak about annual increases going forward. See if he is honest about how much he earns. If he isn’t raise a case with the CMS, they can see the full previous year (overtime included) and make a judgement based on that
They will then review every year going forward so you don’t have to have that discussion

Original poster
JustinMyJustin · 07/04/2020 13:07

Relationship isn’t especially amicable. He have good/bad days. He has MH issues and I have a lot of resentment that I’ve been left here with two D.C all on my own. It’s a difficult situation.

Fortunately he’s in a line of work that won’t suffer due to the current crisis. His current high hours aren’t directly related to it either. They were short staffed even before this hit.

@LemonSqueezy0 I never go in all guns blazing as it gets me nowhere. How ever if he’s in the wrong mood any request will go down badly, no matter how I word it.

OP posts: