To ask DH for more maintenance?

[JustinMyJustin]

DH left family home in November. We have two DC under three.

When he left we agreed a maintenance figure between us that was slightly more than the CSA calculator said he was required to give. He transfers it every month without fail.

However he hasn’t got round to sorting out his wage payments and they are still going into our joint account. His wage has gone up by approximately £200 ish a month since January as he’s currently doing a lot of overtime. He doesn’t see the DC much (once or twice a week if lucky) because of his hours.

I’ve worked it out via the CSA calculator and he’s now actually giving me slightly less a month than he should be. WIBU to bring it up with him? I’m not working at the moment. I’ve been looking since he left but it’s so hard to find anything that fits around my childcare commitments. I’m really struggling for money atm. My parents frequently buy us food shopping etc. to help us out.

I just don’t know if it’s worth rocking the boat for an extra small amount of money? Thoughts?

If he did have them overnight the CSA calculation would be even less than it is now!

He just doesn’t seem to get how it all works. We’ve been to a few play cafes etc. with them since he moved out. He’s happily let me pay the fees and her coffees/DC snacks etc. when we’ve gone.

The more I think about it the more I realise I’m being shafted. He does it all under such a guise of ‘Oh I didn’t realise/you should have pointed it out/you’re being unreasonable’ though

If it’s a small amount like under 20 then no I wouldn’t bring it up.

Sorry I’ve just read full thread and I remember your other post. He’s a twat and a looser OP yes ask him for more or go through CMS £250 a month is pitifully low.

@Washyouthandsyoufilthyanimal It is pitifully low, but it’s actually than he would have been obligated to pay me via CSA. He was paying me £50 a month over as we agreed £200 a month wasn’t enough.

However now his wage has gone up he’s paying me slightly less than he should be. His wage is likely to go up even more next month as he’s now working 60 hour weeks! (Which is ridiculous. I do actually feel sorry for him having to work so many hours)

It’s a pretty small amount. It would work out at around £40 from my rough calculations. Enough to pay my electric bill for the month though.

Bring it up with him, don’t feel sorry for him! He’s playing the poor me card. He has chosen this, he has broken up your family, he has chosen to move out. All of this is because of his choices. Don’t fall for the poor me act! Yes being up the £40 a month, why should all the stress be left to you?

How come he doesn't pay towards the pets anymore or were they 100% yours?

I think your best approach is that you just don't have enough money and could he increase it? If you mention he is earning more he will just switch it from the joint account.

CMS would look at what he has earned in the past not what he is getting right now so going to CMS probably wouldn't increase it anyway.

Why don't you just get cms involved. They will re calculate yearly based in his previous years pay.
I did with my ex because I knew he was working more. I mentioned it as it had been the same for years. He offered me all. Of 5 a month. Contacted cms. Paid the 20 fee.. The maintenance went up by 80 per month..

Lots of people work 60 hour weeks op, and think of the hours you parent a week- lots more than that and he goes home and relaxes at the end of the day because he doesn’t do anything for his children. I don’t feel sorry for him!

@Washyourhandsyoufilthyanimal He’s soooo good at playing the poor me card. He says he had no choice but to leave because of us arguing and me telling him to leave in arguments (which I did, but out of frustration and because he seemed so bloody miserable living with us) He makes me feel guilty all the time.

@RandomMess They are family pets. We bought both our cat and dog after we moved in together. It wouldn’t occur to him to pay towards them. When I said I’d had to cancel their insurance he had nothing to say. Do CMS calculate it off past earnings? Do you know how far back they go?

@MARMITEcheese2020 I suppose I don’t want to get them involved because of all the bad feeling it will create. I’m glad you got things resolved in your favour

@timeisnotaline He’s really good at playing the exhausted card. It absolutely infuriated me!

He just doesn’t seem to get how it all works.

I'm telling you now, he does. He's just happy to let you do the hard work, and he's worked out how to push your buttons now so you won't challenge him. But you should.
Re the play cafe meetings - they'll all be shut now but it would be interesting to see his reaction if you said next time 'it's your turn to get the kids their snacks here'. Try and think of any equivalent of that and see how he responds, e.g. any extra books, toys etc you've bought to keep them amused in lockdown.
Re the 'exhausted' card, I would play that right back at him. Tell him you're exhausted from 24/7 care for small children and that you'd be happy that after a 60 hour week the rest of your time was your own.

Hang in op you said you thread he found out your old user name. Is he controlling as well in all of this? Is he checking up on your online activity!?

@Butterymuffin I do say that regarding time. It makes absolutely no difference. As an example I was waiting to hear back from him about something important last week. He didn’t respond to my text for two hours and when he did said he had to go back
to bed first because he didn’t feel well I pointed out that when I don’t feel well I have suck it up and look after our DC. He went mad at me, shouting about how unreasonable I am, how he can’t stand me etc.

To be fair he probably would pay when we go out if I asked him. It’s the fact that I have to bloody ask that pisses me off so much!

@Washyourhandsyoufilthyanimal No not checking up. He saw my phone open at a thread I’d created and he knows the posters part comes up green. I changed it just to be sure.

If you thinks his prospects are good go via CMS now.
Because this will just keep happening.

He gets a pay rise and doesn't mention it. You see it all the time on here - what was a "generous private arrangement" in 2015 becomes less than legal minimum 5 years later.

I never understand these situations. You're facilitating him working more, for him to have more money and less childcare. He can only work those hours because you're on full time childcare. The children are half his responsibility. You are well within your rights to get a job that suits you with whatever hours it has and expect him to work out childcare with you. It's ridiculous that he can work long hours, do less childcare, and you have to be struggling financially to enable it.

@Sushiroller His prospects aren’t great. He’ll never have a half decent job at this rate because he’s not willing to put the effort in. He’s only employable now because of the help I’ve given him sorting his life out.

I fear I may have to get CMS involved. He’s already starting with the having no money line. It’s a slippery slope...

@Flamingnora123 I don’t disagree at all it if I said that to him he’d say I was being unreasonable/unrealistic.
He never has the children so the thought of him caring for them while I work wouldn’t occur to him.

He’s in for a shock once this lock down is over. He already thinks I’m unreasonable...he has no idea how more ‘unreasonable’ I’m going to get!

Definitely bring it up