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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask DH for more maintenance?

67 replies

JustinMyJustin · 07/04/2020 11:28

DH left family home in November. We have two DC under three.

When he left we agreed a maintenance figure between us that was slightly more than the CSA calculator said he was required to give. He transfers it every month without fail.

However he hasn’t got round to sorting out his wage payments and they are still going into our joint account. His wage has gone up by approximately £200 ish a month since January as he’s currently doing a lot of overtime. He doesn’t see the DC much (once or twice a week if lucky) because of his hours.

I’ve worked it out via the CSA calculator and he’s now actually giving me slightly less a month than he should be. WIBU to bring it up with him? I’m not working at the moment. I’ve been looking since he left but it’s so hard to find anything that fits around my childcare commitments. I’m really struggling for money atm. My parents frequently buy us food shopping etc. to help us out.

I just don’t know if it’s worth rocking the boat for an extra small amount of money? Thoughts?

OP posts:
Original poster
JustinMyJustin · 07/04/2020 13:10

@LGY1 he knows I can see what he earns. It’s a joint account. We do need to have a discussion though. I feel like I’m losing out all ways atm. DC hardly see him cos of his work and we still end up struggling.

I appreciate this is often just part of the territory in a separation but God it’s shiteSad

OP posts:
MyCatHatesEverybody · 07/04/2020 13:27

Not sure if this is what wavey means but is he paying anything towards the running of the family home or any extras at all on top of child maintenance? Or is the £250 all in?

LGY1 · 07/04/2020 13:30

@JustinMyJustin as in, if you say “I see your earnings have gone up” it will give him to nudge to move the payment of his wages to another account. The longer you don’t say anything the more info you gather

LGY1 · 07/04/2020 13:32

@JustinMyJustin it’s crap but you aren’t alone. It’s usually the mothers who are left to deal with everything while he just has to turn up to work....
My friend has just split with her husband, they have a 9 month old. What she has to deal with on her own makes my blood boil.
It’s the relentlessness of it.....

cherrybunx0 · 07/04/2020 13:42

@TheBusDriver that's honestly one of the most vile things I think I've read on here

Original poster
JustinMyJustin · 07/04/2020 14:07

@MyCatHatesEverybody No he doesn’t contribute anything else. He bought them some clothes once and has brought a few packs of nappies but that’s it.

@LGY1 Yes, it’s usually the mothers who pick up all the slack. It’s so unfairAngry

OP posts:
Original poster
JustinMyJustin · 07/04/2020 14:08

Just missed @TheBusDriver’s commebt. You’d honestly stop doing overtime so as not to give money to your children??Shock

OP posts:
MyCatHatesEverybody · 07/04/2020 14:29

You have a private agreement so legally he's not doing anything "wrong" atm (what he should or shouldn't do morally is a totally separate issue). I guess you need to weigh up what you think his reaction will be in the long-term i.e if you insist on the CMS % to include his overtime now then that CMS % is probably all he'll give you after the overtime comes to an end. Obviously it'd be different if he'd had an actual pay rise but antagonising him for the sake of a temporary increase is risky imo.

Original poster
JustinMyJustin · 07/04/2020 14:35

@MyCatHatesEverybody That’s a very good point.

It’s so hard to know what to do. I get so angry thinking about it all.

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 07/04/2020 14:41

He’s paying below the cms minimum, almost never sees his kids and never buys them anything. What’s the risk exactly in antagonising him? What’s the downside? The op can go through cms and get the payments, she says he can’t really stop overtime, it’s not like he can threaten to cut back on the generous loving parenting he does.
It sounds really rough op. I hope this is a temporary situation and you can find work or get him to step up.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 07/04/2020 14:45

It's shit isn't it Flowers How much more per month would the extra money work out at? Your children are so very young so you need to tread carefully as you have years of this ahead of you.

B1ndayTuesday2 · 07/04/2020 14:49

Can you discuss together, that he looks after the children for some days or nights per week. So that this gives you a break ?

If it's the same time each week, you can look for PT work too

MyCatHatesEverybody · 07/04/2020 14:52

timeisnotaline because it's unlikely he'll be in a job for the next 16 years that routinely pays overtime if it's only a new situation he's found himself in. So will OP benefit more from getting the exact CMS % for their DC for those 16 years even after that overtime has disappeared, or should she keep the peace and continue receiving a slight overpayment on his guaranteed salary? OP would be best placed to work out on balance which might be the best option for her.

Hazelnutlatteplease · 07/04/2020 14:53

If you are going through CMS they wouldnt even look at any change under a 25% of his gross salary. £200 is what 10%.

If your maintaining a private arrangements i very much doubt the couple of quid extra you might get is worth the stress. CMS are shit

Butterymuffin · 07/04/2020 14:54

What's the long term plan then OP? A number of aspects of your situation make the current arrangement sound a bit uncertain and temporary. You still called him DH, he's still paying into your joint account, he's living a makeshift life in a cheap flat. Are you definitely splitting, have you had any conversations about selling the house or not, about you going back to work, about residence when the children are older?
I ask partly because it comes as unfinished business, and partly because it might be worth approaching this as one element of getting future arrangements firmed up, which might make it easier and less about 'you don't pay enough'.

BananaPlant · 07/04/2020 15:02

Are you the poster with the twins and you had to ask him to get you some food? I was wondering how things were.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 07/04/2020 15:11

I would start looking for work as well after the whole coronavirus situation. In the nicest possible way most single parents don't have jobs that fit around childcare, you have to use paid childcare. You'll get financial help towards paying for it. I was on benefits before and I'm a lot better off since I started work.

AprilFloundering · 07/04/2020 15:29

I'd wait. See if he keeps getting the OT for the next 3 months, and then ask. Apply to CMS if he says no.

Wannabegreenfingers · 07/04/2020 16:10

Does he give you money towards other things. Myself and my stbexh have an arrangement in that he pays me under the calculated CSA amount, by roughly £100. but he pays half towards school trips, present's etc, it works well for us, maybe its something you could discuss?

The way I see it is, he still needs spare money to do activities with the kids when he has them and he also needs to put a roof over his head. I've stayed in the family home. I appreciate that every situation is different though.

SoloMummy · 07/04/2020 17:49

I imagine the difference in maintenance will probably on that increase be less than £40.

I presume that before the split that your husband was covering all the bills, and now he's covering the bills for him, regardless of how small you feel they are on top of the maintenance reducing his income by 17 ish percent. So though you feel he's better off, it's probably not as cut and dry, unless he's on a considerably higher than average income.

Given that, is yes youre entitled to the money, but is it worth the push for it right now? That's a call you can make for £10 a week more.

I would focus on finding work. How old are the children? What is your skills set?

Original poster
JustinMyJustin · 07/04/2020 19:59

@timeisnotaline I think the main risk is to my MH to be honest. I find the arguing with him utterly draining. That’s why I try and say as little as I can that might antagonise him these days.

@Hazelnutlatteplease Yes this was what I was considering. Is CSA even worth it for such a trivial amount?

@Butterymuffin Right now there is no long term plan. He originally said he was moving out temporarily. This has now transformed into he doesn’t know what he wants and isn’t sure if we can make it workHmm We don’t own the house. It’s HA and I’ve changed the tenancy to my name only. It’s impossible to get any real interest or feedback with regards me looking for work, or anything to do with DC going forward to be honest. I have told him that we need to discuss it all when lock down is over. That if we are staying apart then this current arrangement will not work for me.

@Waxonwaxoff0 the issue is that nearly all my experience is in housing/support work and finding child care friendly hours is so hard! I’ve had a few interviews but couldn’t get hours to suit. I will have to
Just keep looking.

@Wannabegreenfingers he doesn’t contribute any extra. Some clothes once and a few packs of nappies but that’s it. He never has them on his own so doesn’t have to pay for them then.

@BananaPlant Yes that’s me. I’ve had to name change etc. as he found out my old username.

@SoloMummy They are 18 month old twins.
My experience is nearly all in support/housing work. I had wanted to go back to
Uni to do a masters, but that’s on the back burner now. I’ve always worked below my capabilities and I really want to change that.

OP posts:
BananaPlant · 07/04/2020 21:10

Ah sorry he found your username OP.

Original poster
JustinMyJustin · 08/04/2020 09:05

That’s OK @BananaPlant I was probably due for a change anywaySmile

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 08/04/2020 09:11

Was the original agreement based on him having the DC for a couple of nights a week? Can you approach it on that basis ie hey DH we set maintenance on the basis that you would have dc so naturally you are paying less than if you had them. Seeing you’re not having them I think we need to adjust it
You can probably find a better way to phrase it

Original poster
JustinMyJustin · 08/04/2020 09:24

@Rainbowqueen. No. He never has then overnight. He never has them on his own at all.

He has mental health issues and doesn’t feel able to care for them alone. I also don’t feel totally happy leaving them in his care. I’d love them to have a dad I could send them off with, but I just don’t have that at present.

OP posts: