AIBU to think my life will always be shit?

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Namechanged for advice

I am turning 40 in a few days and obviously feeling reflective.

My life is shit.

My marriage is a joke. He is emotionally abusive but everyone else thinks he is lovely and I'm so lucky.

I am treated like a servant at home by my husband and daughter. When I 'go on strike' there will be nothing done until I break. There is absolutely no respect or affection in this house.

I read threads here with LTB and see follow ups where friends and family rally round to help etc. Due to anxiety and depression I've pushed everyone away. I wouldn't have a single friend to call.

1. I've got no job. I've been looking for a year. I'm in a strange overqualified, not enough experience gap. A number of things have affected my career progression and I'm basically looking at entry level positions.

I've had 4 interviews in a year, none wanted me. Reason always 'there was a candidate that better matched the spec.'

1. My daughter is awful. Never diagnosed but I believe oppositional defiant disorder. She is lovely and sweet at school but she basically never stopped having temper tantrums and I'm a bit scared of her tbh. Whenever I reached out for help, even the child behaviourist said 'oh, kids are just like that sometimes.' with other people she's sweet and cute and funny but she treats me like the dirt under her shoe. I left her bio dad when she was 2 and he was violent to me (not her). I lived with my mum until she was 7 and she spoiled her rotten and always overruled my parenting and she is basically now trained to not listen to me.

If anyone has watched 'We need to talk about Kevin' it feels like that's what she is like. Not the murdering part, but just being cold and unfeeling under a mask of cuteness.

I've tried several antidepressants but they make me feel so detached and numb it scares me. Besides I'm not unhappy fur to a chemical imbalance. It's because my life is shit.

Even if I were to leave, my daughter is 16 and I'm thinking of trying to hold out for 2 more years until she goes to uni.

I'm not suicidal or anything but I just feel completely hopeless.

Are you seeing a therapist? I would definitely look into getting one if i were 3

You.

I'm sorry to hear you feel like rubbish OP. Don't forget the lockdown situation amplifies everything and gives a sense of cabin fever and it already sounds like home isn't the safe content place it should be for you. How long have you been feeling like this for?

I can't afford a therapist. My husband will never pay for it. I was seeing one with 12 sessions when I was working but that didn't really help much tbh.

@Pickupapenguinnnn

I would say years really. I've just tried to keep busy in general but then being unemployed now Corona have left me feeling like I'm in a cage.

I would1) spend as much time as possible Or at least a defined time in the day doing something you want whether it be drinking a cup of coffee or reading a book or going out in the garden 2) get a job any job even if it is something you are over qualified for 3) switch off from your husband and daughter as much as possible so do not engage with them and give very little emotional responses and waste little emotional energy on them 4) look after yourself in terms of health exercise every day 5) do not judge yourself by your husband s or daughter s standards 6) if you have been emotionally abused you may not know what you like or don t like. Writing in a diary can help. 7) after a while think how you can leave your husband and make a life for yourself. Work out what benefits are available. How you can go about getting a divorce.

@achainonlyasstrong

Thanks for the suggestions. I am applying for everything but by overqualified I mean they are not taking me on because I am overqualified. The agency said they would not put me forward for some because they would not want to spend time training me if they think I will leave asap due to begin overqualified.

I don't think your daughter has oppositional defiant disorder. You yourself said she got this behaviour after how your mum treated you. And probably from your partner too.

Your life needn't be shit. Leave as soon as you can. Don't wait for her to go to uni. Just go. These things show on self esteem and that shows in interviews.

Speak to womens aid. Plan. In few months you can be free

Could your dd be autistic? My dd behaved perfectly at school, but was a monster at home. Girls learn to mimic their friends and then explode when home when they don’t have to pretend any more.

I’m sorry you are living like this. Please put your own mental health and well-being first.

Read The secret can get the audiobook free on amazon audible with a free trial

Only you can change your life so go do it.

I'm so sorry you are in this situation. I can't advise much but in terms of job hunting, if you are willing to do any job just to get out of the house and have some independence, sense of self, then don't apply through an agency and omit the qualifications on your cv/application that make you appear over qualified. Don't mention it in interview etc.

I completely empathise where you are coming from. I understand how it seems as though every area of your life is falling apart - and a 'significant birthday' at such a time doesn't help! I was where you are 3 years ago.

You say you've pushed everyone away, but you still have yourself. And that's where I'd start. I'd start by being kinder to myself. I'd start with the way you are thinking about where you are and who you are.

Throughout your post there is a theme of lack of control (treated as a servant, husband emotionally abusive to you, daughter does what she wants...), but these are all external circumstances. While it seems as though all the things you list - your husband, marriage, no job, no help with daughter etc - are making your life bad, that isn't so. It's really only the thoughts you have about those things that are making you feel bad.

I'd start by changing how I think about things in a directed way. So instead of thinking "I'm treated like a servant", how do you want to think that will make you feel more positive? Perhaps "I do valuable work around the house" or "I choose to do this work around the house and I choose to not do this other work". I understand that you feel as though, in this example, you have to do everything, but if you make your mind think it's through choice you start to feel more control. It will at least start to make you feel a bit better about yourself and that's a step in the right direction.

Remember that no one can make you feel a certain way - that's all up to you. But how you think about a situation is going to directly affect how you feel.

I hope this helps a bit. There's so much more I could say. DM me if you want to chat further

Do you have any friends or interests that take you away from your home for a short while?

You can downplay or leave things off your CV if you want to, that may help with the 'overqualified' bit.

I'd get into exercise. It will give you a bit of psychological and physical strength whilst you work out what to do next. Start putting yourself first

2 more years. Smile as you pack the little brat off to uni then leave your rubbish H the next day. You won't ever regret it.

Hi OP,
Would you like to work in a supermarket? I don't mean that sarcastically at all. You sound miserable - you would be out/needed/ could do loads of hours you want/ a key worker/have your own money (lots of it tax free as a relatively lower earner). I understand loads of them are taking people on at the moment. I imagine you would quickly find camaraderie and friendship in the teams at the moment. I can't see them caring about over qualified you could be up and running in a week.

Why not give it a go. If you are educated as you imply and hard working you might quickly find yourself on track for supervisory and management roles.

Care is also advertising heavily but I understand why that might not sound attractive right now!

Make a change. Go for it.

You don’t need the agency, apply for anything online and omit whatever makes you seem overqualified

I'm sorry you feel so hopeless op. It's a really difficult time and as a pp said, lockdown amplifies everything that is wrong

In an awful way though, and even though you feel terrible, this could act to your advantage because it gives you direction; you know what you need to change and act upon. And you can't change other adults, but you can change how you react to them.

So totally agree with the strategy of putting yourself first. Do you have anything in the house with which you can start a new hobby for example? Can you exercise? Give yourself a manicure and pedicure? I know these are only small things but they may make you feel better in the interim.

Make a timetable for yourself and do three things every day towards improving your situation.

Is there anything you can do on-line about your career? Post on here about job hunting? Contact someone who is already doing your job and ask them how to proceed. Could they possibly offer advice or mentor you?

With regards to your daughter; despite the difficulties, please don't give up on her. She is still just a child really. 16 yr olds can be awful and very selfish but she has witnessed volence as an infant and is now growing up in an unhappy home with an unhappy mother. To a degree (and I don't mean this unkindly) children behave what they experience. So yes step back a bit, but leave the lines of communication open, show interest in her life, avoid conflict and model self care and tell her you love her (teens always assume everyone is against them and they are hyper sensitive to criticism) and try and establish more positive adult interaction with her. Don't advise, just sympathise. And behave yourself how you want her to act.

When this lockdown is over, I know you say your depression is situational, but could you afford one session with a psychologist to try and work out why you have pushed your friends and family away?

www.giveusashout.org/get-help/

Op please contact the above.

You sound like you need someone just to listen and really HEAR you.

You feel unappreciated which is shit.

I had a massive career break (bringing up dc) and had a 360 degree change.. I rescued a wonderful dog and before I knew it started my own dog boarding /walking business .. didn’t pay like the last job but so rewarding and dogs are better than people Imo.

Use this lockdown time to explore what you would like to do to make you happy.

Also regarding your DD .. she’s probably like this as we take things out on those closest to us.. could she have slight depression? Lots of teenagers can be horrific (mine included 😀)

My daughter is awful. Never diagnosed but I believe oppositional defiant disorder.

Given the circumstances of her childhood and adolescence, developmental trauma seems more likely. She spent her formative years in an abusive environment and is still trapped in one.

Have you ever looked at the Freedom Programme? There's an online version you could access.

I know leaving isn't easy, especially not now, and things won't magically transform at midnight once you do - but it's only leaving that creates the opportunity for change. Until then you're just going to be banging your head against a brickwall.

Totally empathise with you OP. I can’t offer any words of wisdom but can let you know you aren’t alone.

Currently ironically getting on fantastically well with my husband and he’s the best I’ve seen him for years. For me, however, it’s only improved on the surface but I know that for him it’s clearly how he wants life to be. I know that this is totally because at the moment I can’t leave the house or do anything or plan to go anywhere Or do any of the things that make me happy and involve other people (he hasn’t got any friends or hobbies.) and he’s loving it because he’s got me where he knows I’m “his”.

I’m tolerating it because of the situation and the kids who are my priority and I need to get them all through this. Long term I know that I am trapped in this marriage. For about 18 months before this current situation, things have been so utterly awful between us that I’ve ended up on and I depressants due to his behaviour and I’ve been incredibly depressed and distressed. I’m just currently enjoying the mental “break”. I guess having “enforced imprisonment” is better than someone deliberately breaking your wings so I’m making the most of it and it’s good to not feel the constant upset from having to turn down situations and worry about missing out on hints and be sad that I can’t plan to do the things in life that I enjoy or yearn for the most.

Take care and keep strong. I hope your situation improves and that you manage to resolve your own future for your own good.

Hints = things. Stupid phone!

If you are over qualified edit your CV to reduce your skill set and underplay senority. Possibly even remove jobs.

In your position i would be doing anything i could to get any kind of financial independence. Finding a job would be my focus.

Thanks for all the support and suggestions. I will take time to think about them. DD is asthmatic so I would rather not increase contact in a shop job atm but thanks for the idea.

I've done the thing of taking things off the CV. That just leaves massive gaps and I've never been able to lie so it all comes out anyway.

I think I've separated myself from people partly because I feel ashamed. I was given so many opportunities and people who were my peers and colleagues have gone on to do amazing things and I'm just a scruffy noone whose dream would be a bedsit somewhere.