AIBU to think my life will always be shit?

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Namechanged for advice

I am turning 40 in a few days and obviously feeling reflective.

My life is shit.

My marriage is a joke. He is emotionally abusive but everyone else thinks he is lovely and I'm so lucky.

I am treated like a servant at home by my husband and daughter. When I 'go on strike' there will be nothing done until I break. There is absolutely no respect or affection in this house.

I read threads here with LTB and see follow ups where friends and family rally round to help etc. Due to anxiety and depression I've pushed everyone away. I wouldn't have a single friend to call.

1. I've got no job. I've been looking for a year. I'm in a strange overqualified, not enough experience gap. A number of things have affected my career progression and I'm basically looking at entry level positions.

I've had 4 interviews in a year, none wanted me. Reason always 'there was a candidate that better matched the spec.'

1. My daughter is awful. Never diagnosed but I believe oppositional defiant disorder. She is lovely and sweet at school but she basically never stopped having temper tantrums and I'm a bit scared of her tbh. Whenever I reached out for help, even the child behaviourist said 'oh, kids are just like that sometimes.' with other people she's sweet and cute and funny but she treats me like the dirt under her shoe. I left her bio dad when she was 2 and he was violent to me (not her). I lived with my mum until she was 7 and she spoiled her rotten and always overruled my parenting and she is basically now trained to not listen to me.

If anyone has watched 'We need to talk about Kevin' it feels like that's what she is like. Not the murdering part, but just being cold and unfeeling under a mask of cuteness.

I've tried several antidepressants but they make me feel so detached and numb it scares me. Besides I'm not unhappy fur to a chemical imbalance. It's because my life is shit.

Even if I were to leave, my daughter is 16 and I'm thinking of trying to hold out for 2 more years until she goes to uni.

I'm not suicidal or anything but I just feel completely hopeless.

OP/ Flamingoqueen' my daughter was just like this until she was diagnosed autistic at 16. We had no clue whatsoever, girls mask very effectively. Her behaviour had a terrible effect on our mental health (she's wonderful and we adore her don't get me wrong, just incredibly challenging).

I'm so sorry you feel like this. Definitely leave your marriage and don't wait til dd is 18, it will be hugely beneficial for you and her if you leave sooner rather than later. Of course you mustn't leave your daughter. Getting a diagnosis has changed everything for us for the better btw.

Maybe time to take any job just to get you through this time.

Sending strength

Also 40 is no age! You have a long life ahead and it can be so much better.

Taking an old phone to replace one confiscated is pretty normal teenage behaviour and not at all ‘creepy’
I have a totally typically developing daughter who has done similar.
OP maybe do some research in ages and stages for your dd. I think your low mood is clouding your judgement and you are re framing normal teenage things as your dd being ‘bad’. It sounds as though she is struggling but she is nowhere near a sociopath.

Agree that the phone thing, while annoying, is not remotely creepy.

This may sound harsh but I’m being brutally honest. Your daughter has lived in 3 different environments: with OP and her father who was abusive, with OP and OPs mother who spoilt her and allowed her to get what she wanted, and now with OP and her husband in a horrible, loveless atmosphere. Factor in too that she’s going through adolescence within this environment

Alongside this it seems the OP has not worked for a long time despite being highly qualified, and it sounds like her life has shrunk to just being at home and servicing the needs of her husband and dd.

The first questions you should be asking are not whether the dd is a sociopath or autistic! It is far more likely to be a case of her behaviour having been shaped though her experiences - especially as she displays quite different compliant behaviour in school and has friends.

Please please do not leave your dd, or see this as ‘marking time’ until she leaves for uni and you can get rid of her. She deserves so much more.

She is a child and you’re the adult here. Start believing that you have agency over your life. Get out, get a job (any job- there are places desperate for workers who won’t care whether you’re over qualified) Don’t use the virus as an excuse - the workplace will follow distancing protocols and as I suggested if you’re really worried, do night shifts in a supermarket where it will only be other workers keeping a distance. Follow all the guidelines about hand washing, laundering clothes and showering when you get home.

I can’t say it enough; if you carry on as you are, the one thing you can be sure of is nothing will change. If you make changes however small, you can make your life better

@Boshmama RE: your comment on life coaches... totally agree seeing as I am one :-) I help women regain control of their minds - moving out of default/habit mode and into deliberate thinking. It really does work wonders.

My favourite 'get started' tip is to spend a day observing your thoughts and write them down (not all of them, obviously, just the strongest/recurring). Decide if there are any that you don't like/which don't serve you and come up with alternative suggestions that you can BELIEVE. The believe bit is really important as repeating positive statements just for the sake of it does not work. This tip can help anyone, even if most of the time you're content and happy.

@Sacredspace re: booking a session with an online therapist. I do women's life coaching. It's different to therapy in that I help to manage the mind, stop mind 'drama' and help create deliberate thinking. Got into this myself as I was sick of feeling I was living someone else's life!