AIBU to think my life will always be shit?

[LuluNamechangeForHelp]

Namechanged for advice

I am turning 40 in a few days and obviously feeling reflective.

My life is shit.

My marriage is a joke. He is emotionally abusive but everyone else thinks he is lovely and I'm so lucky.

I am treated like a servant at home by my husband and daughter. When I 'go on strike' there will be nothing done until I break. There is absolutely no respect or affection in this house.

I read threads here with LTB and see follow ups where friends and family rally round to help etc. Due to anxiety and depression I've pushed everyone away. I wouldn't have a single friend to call.

1. I've got no job. I've been looking for a year. I'm in a strange overqualified, not enough experience gap. A number of things have affected my career progression and I'm basically looking at entry level positions.

I've had 4 interviews in a year, none wanted me. Reason always 'there was a candidate that better matched the spec.'

1. My daughter is awful. Never diagnosed but I believe oppositional defiant disorder. She is lovely and sweet at school but she basically never stopped having temper tantrums and I'm a bit scared of her tbh. Whenever I reached out for help, even the child behaviourist said 'oh, kids are just like that sometimes.' with other people she's sweet and cute and funny but she treats me like the dirt under her shoe. I left her bio dad when she was 2 and he was violent to me (not her). I lived with my mum until she was 7 and she spoiled her rotten and always overruled my parenting and she is basically now trained to not listen to me.

If anyone has watched 'We need to talk about Kevin' it feels like that's what she is like. Not the murdering part, but just being cold and unfeeling under a mask of cuteness.

I've tried several antidepressants but they make me feel so detached and numb it scares me. Besides I'm not unhappy fur to a chemical imbalance. It's because my life is shit.

Even if I were to leave, my daughter is 16 and I'm thinking of trying to hold out for 2 more years until she goes to uni.

I'm not suicidal or anything but I just feel completely hopeless.

I'd leave. Your partner and daughter are both narcissists or similar. They literally dont have empathy, hense the abuse.

You should set yourself free. If you can afford to go anywhere else, literally snywhere, go. As soon as this lockdown settles a bit. And never look back. Sod waiting till she is 18. I know she is your child, but some sort of darkness got in her early and it isnt going to just go away. Sometimes the only thing you can do is protect yourself.

Wanderlust do you know any sixteen year olds? They are like big toddlers a lot of the time. Brain development isn't complete until around 23 years. Saying "darkness" has got in to a child you dont
know is ridiculous, sorry!

You need to reframe and have a new perspective OP. Your life will not always be shit if you choose to change it. If you can't afford a therapist, you need to gather as much content to help you through online resources. For me it was Tony Robbins that helped me. I was in a rut, and he helped me reframe everything.

You also need to take some responsibility, in a positive way. Only you can make yourself angry and upset, you can control how you respond to things. What is going right for you, and don't say nothing, there are probably many things you are grateful for if you sit down and have a think.

You will change things but you have to want it. See this lockdown as an opportunity to make changes. Tony Robbins podcast is a great start.

All sorts of places are looking for staff at the moment. Volunteers too. For a right now fix, I’d go for that. It would get you out of the house and get some work experience on your CV.

Have you considered looking into a women's life coach? Some are really reasonable and the difference they can make is amazing.

It's basically having someone in your corner, who can bring the best out in you and give you a confidence boost to make a change. I've seen them work wonders and had one myself about three years ago.

Do u drive. Dominoes are hiring for delivery people. Start with shop delivery work get your confidence and leave your house xx

I dont know her, but op does and described her as like Kevin from we need to talk about Kevin. Basically, a psychopath. And sorry but though teenagers can be stroppy, sometimes, that is NOT the same thing. Sociopathy and npd form very young (in children) they are just not diagnosed in kids. Probably because no one wants to label kids that way. Doesnt mean it isn't the case though.

The reason the world is full of these sorts is because people dont recognise it early on and do something. Probably because the world is full of ppl going 'oh it's just normal child behaviour' when I think many know deep down when it bloody well isnt.

I don't think encouraging OP to abandon her daughter will help anyone...

I understand some children can be a nightmare to parent OP but I think you'll feel worse if you give up on her. Do you have any relationship at all with her?

I think you need to slowly start working on yourself and your relationship with your mother may be a good place to start - as I imagine a lot of your trouble possibly stems from that.

The holistic psychologist on Instagram might be helpful here.

Sounds tough, OP. Re the job situation, any chance of telling for a while and picking up experience that way, which might make you more enticing for permanent roles? When recruiting for temps employers tend to be far less picky over stuff like ‘over-qualified’

Sorry, that should have read ‘temping’

She does have good moments but it's probably 90% bad. She is very wilful. For example at age 2 we tried the naughty step. She said 'I'm not naughty'. (She was a very early and good talker. I can't remember how 2 year olds generally talk but I remember that because it was like she was actually talking down to me). I said "no, you're a good girl but" (whatever it was, can't remember now) was a naughty thing to do so you will need to sit on the naughty step (for 2 minutes). So for over an hour I tried to get her to sit and she refused. Eventually it was bed time. Next day, same thing. Tried a few more times until I gave up. HOURS she would refuse.

Now she just refuses to do anything. One punishment for not doing her chores was to take away her phone. She went into the attic when I was at work and did a factory reset of my old phone wiping all the photos on it and which were not backed up. I only discovered this a few days later. No remorse.

@boshmama once I have an income that is something I will seriously consider.

To pp. I don't know about autistic. She seems to have a lot of friends.

@allthatglittersisplastic - I genuinely feel I don't have much to be grateful for. There's all the standard things, that I don't live in a slum, that I'm not blind, etc but that doesn't make me FEEL grateful. I feel very hard done by. I have been treated very badly by some people. I have worked hard in a lot of things that have had no reward in the end e.g. studying hard for a good degree but not being able to get a job at the end.

Thank you for the kind offer to chat pp. I will read this thread and digest a bit more first so that I can hopefully grab hold of a more positive attitude first.

I know of an absolutely brilliant online therapist who is willing to work in return for a donation (no donation too small). Let me know if you would like her details. I’m thinking if booking a couple of sessions with her xx

@Sacredspace thanks for the idea. Based on your own username, can I ask, is this therapists a religious person?

@LuluNamechangeForHelp
I’m not particularly religious, I’m a professional declutterer, hence the name! The therapist I mentioned has never mentioned any religious beliefs, but I couldn’t be certain.

Wow, creepy about the phone! Have you thought about getting therapy for the kid op? Not that it'll help much if she is...you know...but maybe it is worth a try. If you genuinely think she is troubled then explain to a gp n see what they would suggest.

Get you about the degree! Ditto. Money down the drain, never been able to use it.

I absolutely think that if you get rid of your life-draining shit of a husband, your life would immediately be 90% better.

Don't wait. Let things fall as they will. Yes, your daughter may descend into whatever but you will have much more reserves with shitface out of your daily life.

I absolutely mean this. He is the dementor sucking the life out of you, making you feel hopeless, no hope, and despairing. Get rid. Life in a hut would be better than this.

And, actually, better for your daughter, the worm would turn.

I do totally relate to the feeling that life has been shit, packed full of abuse upon abuse, but you can absent yourself out of that life. Don't let it define you.

I know how hard that is because I've let a similar life define me. With all my heart I don't want it to have the last word

I'm going to sleep on all this advice. It's funny how internet strangers have shown me more human kindness than my own family.

There is a charity called the Richmond Fellowship who help people get back into work - why not give them a try? Their services are free.

I also think you need to leave DH in order to feel better.

I absolutely second the advice about going for a supermarket or warehouse job; it’s something you can do right now and could be earning by the end of this week. Just as importantly it would get you out of the house, spending time with colleagues who will appreciate you, and will probably have an even stronger sense of camaraderie right now. It’s a clear practical difference you can make right now which will also send out the message to your dh and dd that you’re not just a servant at their beck and call around the house.

The fact your dd is asthmatic does not need to be a problem. Shops are following the social distancing advice, and you can bung your clothes in the wash and shower as soon as you’re back from work. It’s not as if your dd is a young child who’s going to be running to you for cuddles anyway is it?! At 16 she’ll no doubt be spending lots of time in her room. I know a number of people who work in supermarkets and they’re managing the situation fine, often with much younger kids than you.

I also think it sounds far more likely that your dd has developed these behaviour as a result of her environment rather than being a sociopath! You said her father was abusive; you then moved into an environment where she was totally spoilt and allowed to do what she wanted, and she’s now back in an emotionally abusive and unhappy environment. Factor in all the normal pressures and confusions of going through adolescence and it’s hardly any wonder she’s got issues. That’s not an excuse for her behaviour; it’s just pointing out that it’s wrong to label a child a sociopath without actually looking first at the environments she’s been raised in.

You write as though you are powerless to effect any change in your life. I realise that’s partly because you’re feeling anxious and low and your life has been in this rut for a long time. But this feeling can also be about avoidance; even when life feels shit, it can be easier to remain with the status quo because it’s shit that’s familiar rather than taking the scary first step to change things.

Bottom line: carry on as you are and life will be more of the same. Change something, and you’ll start to see life changing around you. Not necessarily because anyone else has changed - but because you have and now see things with a new perspective.

And ironically the more you do that, the more others around you are likely to change their behaviour towards you. If your dh and dd see first hand that you’re not a pushover who exists just to service their needs, they may develop a new found respect for you. Even if they don’t, you’ll discover respect for yourself. Get out into work- and at the moment that’s key work that society needs, and you’ll build links with colleagues which can develop into real friendships.

Honestly the only person who can change things is you, and that first step will seem tough and you’ll be tempted to find all kinds of excuses not to do it, but it’s the only way forward

Nit being funny but you do sound a bit "wow is me" No one likes being around a martyr and maybe without realising it that is how you're coming across to your daughter?

I think also the ‘over qualified’ thing can be a bit of an excuse - I mean at some point in your life you clearly got high level qualifications presumably with a view to having a good career, yet at some point you stopped working... there may be legitimate reasons behind that, though you mention only one child (who is now 16) so I doubt it’s childcare costs.
But tbh the kind of places looking for workers right now, right this week, will not give a shiny shit how over qualified you are- they will just be enormously grateful to have you on board. You’ll begin to earn some of that respect and value that you’re crying out for. There are huge numbers of graduates and highly skilled people working in key jobs right now. If you’re really not prepared to look at supermarkets then what about delivery worker? Or take on a night shift in a supermarket so they’ll be no customers just other employees social distancing?
There are steps you can take- but only you can take them

I am applying for everything but by overqualified I mean they are not taking me on because I am overqualified

Just keep plugging away at that. I was in the same boat, agencies were terrible, I got a temporary contract direct from my employer in the end, the money was low and there were no guarantees at the end but I treated it as a stepping stone. After the contract ended I was offered a permanent role and have had a promotion since. Sometimes you need to just get a way into the company to show them what you can do. My role is something I would never have thought of doing until I saw the advert, btw.

Read The secret can get the audiobook free on amazon audible with a free trial

Please DON'T read that book. It's pop-psychology drivel. No, it's worse than that. I can summarise the book in one sentence:

"If your life is shit it's all your fault."

It's not helpful. There are steps you can take to improve things, but there are things you can't control. The book was written
a) to make money from idiots
b) to make the rich feel justified in looking down on the poor, because they're always at fault.

OP - others on this thread have come up with helpful suggestions, but please, for your own sanity, don't read The Secret.

I agree that The Secret book is not worth buying or reading

I’m really sorry for your situation.
Please don’t leave your daughter. I’m shocked people are suggesting this She is 16, a child and not your partner’s either. Why would people suggest leaving her with an emotionally abused man?
She sounds very challenging but as she only displays these behaviours st home, this is likely to be attached to your living situation. It sounds like she witnessed you living with two abusive people-your mum and current partner. This is very traumatic and she is likely to be heavily impacted. Contact women’s aid because it sounds like you both need support.