I've genuinely lost all comprehension of who the fuck is being unreasonable.

[DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou]

We are almost a month into self isolation. Just as self isolation ended, UK isolation started.
We have been doing ok mostly. Good considering all the illness, and that bollocks.

However.
We have 3 kids. DH is working his nuts off in the house, making the most of time off work.
He has a nice lie in in the mornings.
This isn't my beef.

My beef is, I have to arrange to have time 'off'.
Where as he literally ups and leaves the room for bit 1-2 hours at a time and no one knows where fuck he is.

The kids say "where's dad"?

I've got no idea.

I know he's probably outside, in his car, smoking somewhere I.e not far. But he does this 2-3 times a day.

I've asked him many times just to give me a head up before he does - just as respect.
He listens doesn't reply, carries on doing it.

I'm not saying he has to ask permission.

Just that if we both upped and left the room the capacity that he does, the the kids are going to be left unattended all the time.

I'm glad we're not the only ones who have a schedule! We both know exactly when each of us is looking after DS, every day. I can tell you now what time I'm looking after DS next Thursday, for example.

It saves a lot of stress. OP, I know you want your husband to tell you if he's disappearing off somewhere, but it seems as though he's done this for years with no sign of changing, so I'd give up now and make a schedule.

OP,
That would drive anyone quite mad.

The annoyance.
The disrespect.
The selfishness.

I agree with above.

You need to carve time out on a regular and dump the children on him and get away from them all.

He's another selfish man who is avoiding family life.

There are loads of them about apparently.

Personally, I couldn't look at someone so selfish not to mind speak to them.

You need to get tough.
He is a really shit father and he is taking advantage of you.

Take care

Definitely mirror his behaviour.
You can tell people, but they won’t understand until they have to go through it.
Agree with the poster who said tell him that you are going for a bath and don’t tell him for how long. Just get up and go.
Do this for a few days and when he moans ( which he will) use this as a catalyst for a discussion.

I understand OP my ex used to be the same he used to just put his head round the door with his shoes and jacket on and be like "I'm off out for a bit' then just go out of the door. He could be half an hour he could be 6 hours. He basically carried on exactly as he did when he was single.

If I wanted to go out I would have to book him like I would a babysitter and he'd want to know where I was going and how long I'd be. It was infuriating.

So much better now he's an ex. I have to do 100% of the childcare now but better that than being constantly disappointed and taken for granted.

Yanbu. I'm sure he's got loads of good points etc etc but this is not on. You don't just fuck off without saying anything when you're a parent. It's disrespectful - he feels entitled to do something he knows you'd never do, because it shouldn't be done.
I don't know how you fix this if he won't listen. Find a way to make him listen, I guess.
My man's not perfect, but he wouldn't do this... on the first occasion that he fucked off without saying anything (for a night out clubbing, didn't get back until the following evening) he got such a long and comprehensive bollocking that it was 4 years until he did it a second time. You need to really (verbally) tear him a new one if you want him to listen.

Are you a sahp? If so that's probably why hes assuming you're looking after the 1yo while he fills time he would normally have been at work with 'jobs'.

Tbh if he isnt listening when you ask him to participate theres not much more you can do! Presumably he has redeeming features as you've stayed with him a long time and had 3 kids.

OK I have your problems to an extent OP in that I have a big house (where you can't always immediately find someone) and I an treated like the default parent so my husband will just wander off to go and do something else for a while but not tell me. He doesn't actually leave the vicinity of the house to smoke etc though.

You're not going to solve it over night so I think you just need to do it in small steps. Start by saying you want him to do the kids lunch today and make sure you're unavailable whilst he's doing it. Then just build up an expectation that he's in charge of that thing and extend it then beyond just that task (eg don't come back until an hour after he's back).

I think you do have to establish a rule that he can't actually just wander out the house completely without telling you. Each time he does phone him and make a big fuss, then sneaking off for a cheeky fag won't seem like a relaxing option.

I think what I realised was that I was enabling him not being able to do stuff independently of me, it's painful at first but they do some out of it a better parent.

How old are your kids OP?

When you say I know he's probably outside, in his car, smoking somewhere I.e not far. But he does this 2-3 times a day.

Part of me thinks "So what!?"

I disappear WAY more than that in a day but my DC are older maybe so perhaps that's ok.

However, unless your kids are 3 and 4 I don't see a problem and even then....why can't you just disappear too? Tell him though..."I'm pissing off for half an hour, you're in charge." eventually you won't need to tell him..

FortunesFave
The OP has said how old her kids are. RTFT!

Set up the baby monitor so when you leave you can still see what is going on.

If he leaves call his mobile to remind him he is watching the children.

It's not petty, you need your own space as much as he does.

I would suggest attack on two fronts. You will need to be absolutely committed to this for a couple of weeks.
First tell him you are fed up with this behaviour. You know he’s been doing ti for years, he’s never listened to how it makes you feel and you are done. Every time he disappears you are going to send the children to find him or go with them and then he is the responsible parent for the next 3 hours. Every single time. If he wants to treat this like a game and disappear when he knows you can’t do this, then when he next appears and it’s bad news for your marriage treating it like a game. Plan the hobbies/books/ baths m/yoga/work you are going to achieve with your off time.
Also, you are done being default anything. You’re not the fucking servant. Washing cooking cleaning anything specific to him is off the table. If he doesn’t like things n out happening by magic, or if this new regime upsets him, tell him to stop and remember you’ve put up with him doing this for however many years and he could have averted this by giving a shit the other times you’ve talked about it. It is completely his choice that you are at this final point.

These men are being very careful not to make rods for their own backs aren't they they🙄
constantly reinforcing the message that you are the default person for the menial work

Hand him the baby and leave the room. Come back in two hours. Do it three times in one day. Then have a chat about why this is not reasonable of him. You have to mirror (copy) people's behaviour if they don't get it when you just discuss it

^^This. He needs to understand how it feels, then explain to you why he thinks you should have to feel that way upon his every whim.

Just say “watch the baby for a second” and disappear for a couple of hours.

I had a friend when I was little got burnt really badly on holiday when her dad just wandered out of the hotel room for a fag and assumed the mum was there. She had in fact gone on to the balcony shut the door and made a phone call home which was quite involved. My friend pulled the freshly boiled kettle on herself !

You also hear about kids drowning because a parent ‘assumes’ the other parent is watching them. Also kids who get reversed over in driveways because Dad is going out doesn’t tell anyone and toddler follows them out the front door, without dad noticing. Also even more horrifically if possible, parents who assume the other parent has removed the child from the car and the child is then left in a hot car.

I’m assuming your dh sees you physically present in the room before he leaves? Or does he literally get up of the sofa where your kids are sat with him (in the same room) and just go and sit in his car, shed etc assuming you’ll be returning to the room in the next five seconds ? Even if you’re in the room, say, sat on the sofa too, what if you were about to go and strip the beds, go to the toilet, go and start tea, go and sort something outside ? You then can’t.

My bil has always pulled this stunt to the extent that my sister just expects it and does everything for everybody in their house.

A few years ago he mentioned on a Thursday the weekend away he was going on the Friday and when she questioned this he just muttered "oh I thought I told you" - no question of a discussion.

Morning op, did you have a chat with him? What’s the plan today?

Ha, my exH did this after first child was born.... took vol redundancy with 6 months out of work to "be with me and baby"

Only he did diy with headphones on/ went out at his leisure all that time...

He felt entitled to this time off because I was " on holiday"

I had food poisoning when baby was 3 months. I was feeling awful and he made such a song and dance of taking over for a bit.....

Didn't bother after that.... did it all then was accused of being controlling.

Note the ex DH status.......

Morning op, did you have a chat with him? What’s the plan today?

There's no point. I've lost count how many times I've asked him just to show me a bit of respect and let me or the kids know that he's going to his car for an hour/fixing the brickwork outside/whatever.

But he doesn't listen.

He feels like it's his right to just do what he likes.

So when you speak to him about it, does he ignore you at the point you're having the conversation, or does he agree verbally and then carries on doing it anyway?

Because if you raise an issue like this and he literally ignores you, then this pissing off whenever he wants isn't the only sign of disrespect. If he claims to understand and want to change, but struggles to follow through, then you can suggest timeisnotaline's idea as a way to help him break the habit!

Surely if he isnt listening-13 years and counting then setting a schedule would at least give you free time and him parenting responsibility ?
Continuing with trying to get him to change is futile, hes not listening .
Its A. Continue as you are and seethe with rage
B. Set a schedule agreed by both.
C.Divorce him

He won’t change - you guys have serious communication issues as well obviously! If he’s been like this with your previous 2 older kids then surely you anticipated that he would be the same with your 3rd child?

Like others have said you need to learn how to talk to each other - nothing wrong with scheduling in times when you each look after the children during the day? It’s not w crazy idea

Get some Marriage counselling?

But you seem to think both those options are a waste of time - so the only other options I can see are

Just continue to live like this

Or

Leave him!

You are being quite rude to people who are giving good suggestions as you seem to have fully taken on the role of wet flannel champion

Are you a SAHM?
If so, maybe now he is at home, you could find some work.
He would have no choice but to look after the DC then.
If not SAHM, and everything falls to you, then he is just shit.
As you know, things improve as DC get older and more independent.
Only you can decide if your marriage is worth it.

You need to divide up the day into shared time, dad time and mum time with the children. If you don't you will always be fighting over this and you will never be able to relax if you have left the one year old in his care.

You can also hold him to account if he slips off or something happens when he is responsible. Otherwise he will claim he thought you were there / coming back / knew he had gone etc.

It might also be easier for him knowing when he can slope off to do his own thing guilt free.

For those of you saying 6 years is old enough to look after them selves. Have you ever met a six-year-old?