I've genuinely lost all comprehension of who the fuck is being unreasonable.

[DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou]

We are almost a month into self isolation. Just as self isolation ended, UK isolation started.
We have been doing ok mostly. Good considering all the illness, and that bollocks.

However.
We have 3 kids. DH is working his nuts off in the house, making the most of time off work.
He has a nice lie in in the mornings.
This isn't my beef.

My beef is, I have to arrange to have time 'off'.
Where as he literally ups and leaves the room for bit 1-2 hours at a time and no one knows where fuck he is.

The kids say "where's dad"?

I've got no idea.

I know he's probably outside, in his car, smoking somewhere I.e not far. But he does this 2-3 times a day.

I've asked him many times just to give me a head up before he does - just as respect.
He listens doesn't reply, carries on doing it.

I'm not saying he has to ask permission.

Just that if we both upped and left the room the capacity that he does, the the kids are going to be left unattended all the time.

I hear you OP. unfortunately I don’t have the answer as I’m struggling with this just now. It’s always me in the sitting room with the kids while DH toodles around doing as he likes. Like you, I have to announce when I’m going to do something. I don’t mind announcing/asking, as long as he is expected to do the same. It appears he doesn’t think the same as me!

I'm not suggesting you do this, however it is so utterly disrespectful that I absolutely would divorce him
And I'd have done it once the behaviour was apparent after the first child

Honestly YANBU, but I can guarantee he doesn’t think he is either. But I totally feel for you, it’s the same here (although my husband doesn’t just up and disappear for hours). But he’ll get home, shower, have a coffee and then sit down with with us.. meanwhile I haven’t showered in days, have both our very young DD on my lap and honestly haven’t even noticed the difference of him being home me and my friend often joke that the sign that someone isn’t the main carer is how they just go and shower without thinking about it!

Sounds infuriating but what solution us there other than being direct? You are looking after the 1 year old now.

Because as you say he doesn’t care enough to change when you tell him it’s a problem.

Maybe Im missing something here OP but what is so ridiculous about communicating with your DH to ensure you get your own down time
DH and I always did this who was having a lie in.
He wanted to run in the morning and I wanted to sleep in the afternoon .
Everybody happy.
If you do this he will realise that you are NOT the default parent.
If he wanders off go straight to find him and ask why he has done that

Schedule the day so you get equal free time

You might need to lock the door of the room you’re in.

I don't know why you're being shitty with your responses OP. It's probably magnified now, as everything is. It clearly hasn't been that much of a problem in the past as you have a 13 year old and a 1 year old, so you've been together some time, without too much issue I assume?

My motto in life is pick your battles. If it's worth battling, do it 100%. Don't allow him to not listen or take interest in what you're saying. Or, just leave it be and realise he needs time away. If you also need time away, sort out a rota between you as others have suggested!

Am I the only one who is intrigued to know exactly how big OP’s house is?

It's massive.

Not sure exactly why you’re taking such an attitude with the posters on here OP.
You’re the one literally refusing to try anything to change situation.
Is it shit? Yes. Is your DH selfish? Yes.
So either live with it or address it.

Am I the only one who is intrigued to know exactly how big OP’s house is?

Don't go into the west wing, it's forbidden.

If he’s always done it, why did you continue to have kids with him?

H is like this. Used to just up and walk off. But also would let DS up and walk off when he was 2/3 and wouldn't go and see what he was doing

Come on. We are in a bloody lockdown. Give the OP a break, she is at breaking point. Obviously things are magnified at the moment for us all.

Jeez.

You're the default parent op and your dh simply doesn't give two shits about how you feel or your dc.

You've got two choices, stay and put up, or leave

Hand him the baby and leave the room. Come back in two hours. Do it three times in one day. Then have a chat about why this is not reasonable of him. You have to mirror (copy) people's behaviour if they don't get it when you just discuss it.

When you ask him to stop doing this, does he acknowledge you in any way? If you have any sort of conversation about it in which he engages, you need to ask him what exactly he is going to do that is guaranteed to stop him forgetting again. After all, at work he presumably manages to remember not to get up and walk out in the middle of a meeting or a particular piece of work, so there must be some way of achieving it.

No advice here, OP, but my sympathies. It is so tiresome, this idea some people have that every relationship problem has a solution that rests 100% in the hands of the woman — and if no solution can be found, well it’s her fault anyway for marrying and having children with a man who turned out, years down the line, to have the odd infuriating habit. Well done on surviving this long in isolation. You’re not unreasonable. Hang in there.

Agree to mirroring his behaviour.

He’s being an absolute entitled dick. This would worry me

You need shifts.. He needs to take 2 shifts to be the sole, responsible parent: which ones does he want?
7-10
10-1
1-4
4-7
Make sure you are absent during his shift and don't intervene.

Shifts all the way, start at 1 hour intervals.

And no YANBU, you are just exhausted!

I agree with a previous poster that for the time being you'll have to mirror his behaviour.

He's not going to realise how it makes you feel until he's experienced it for himself.

I'm not suggesting you just up and leave though, especially as you're worried he might not notice and do the same, rather that you hand him the little one and say: "please watch her/him, I'm off out/bath/whatever for a bit" and leave immediately so he doesn't have the chance to do the same.

I'm pretty sure that after you doing this several times a day for a few days, he'll realise how selfish it is, and that's your cue to have a discussion about it, and set some 'guidelines' that he'll follow in future.

Worth a try surely? Give it a week, maybe?

Don't tell him how long you'll be, and maybe not even exactly where you're going either, that way he'll hopefully start to realise how you've been feeling all this time.

whatever you do he will wriggle and spin to try and get what he wants, and what he wants is to be the alpha, the one who does as he pleases regardless and is accountable to no one, thats why he ignores you, it's a way of telling you that he is accountable to no one.
Idk what the answer is (other than 'ltb')
maybe find a way of humouring him until the crisis is over and then decide what you want long term?