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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I've genuinely lost all comprehension of who the fuck is being unreasonable.

100 replies

DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou · 04/04/2020 20:32

We are almost a month into self isolation. Just as self isolation ended, UK isolation started.
We have been doing ok mostly. Good considering all the illness, and that bollocks.

However.
We have 3 kids. DH is working his nuts off in the house, making the most of time off work.
He has a nice lie in in the mornings.
This isn't my beef.

My beef is, I have to arrange to have time 'off'.
Where as he literally ups and leaves the room for bit 1-2 hours at a time and no one knows where fuck he is.

The kids say "where's dad"?

I've got no idea.

I know he's probably outside, in his car, smoking somewhere I.e not far. But he does this 2-3 times a day.

I've asked him many times just to give me a head up before he does - just as respect.
He listens doesn't reply, carries on doing it.

I'm not saying he has to ask permission.

Just that if we both upped and left the room the capacity that he does, the the kids are going to be left unattended all the time.

OP posts:
KillerofMen · 04/04/2020 20:53

No, let's work it through....

You wouldn't leave the 1 year old unattended either so the situation would be you take the one year old to him and say you're going in the bath. Do you think he would then leave the child and go out for a smoke etc?

5zeds · 04/04/2020 20:54

Send the children to find him. Every time.

Original poster
DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou · 04/04/2020 20:55

Yes.
I never said it was the issue with the older kids. It was, when they were little.
But I didn't imply that it was an issue for them now.
Someone asked for their age and I told them.

OP posts:
Original poster
DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou · 04/04/2020 20:57

KillerofMan so your suggesting I plan when I leave?
Yes this is exactly what I do. Just as you suggest.

He however, ups and leave when my back is turned. How do I plan for that?

OP posts:
RhodaDendron · 04/04/2020 20:58

It’s not a shitty thing to do to the kids, honestly. Maybe wait til the one year old is napping, and just disappear for a bit. I disappear with my four month old v frequently

Original poster
DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou · 04/04/2020 21:00

RhodaDendron

The painful irony of what you said makes me feel bloody sad.

OP posts:
KillerofMen · 04/04/2020 21:03

You said that you were worried he'd leave your one year old unattended. Now you've established that he wouldn't actually do that? I wouldn't describe spontaneously deciding to go out, but taking a minute to let your partner know, as 'planning'. If you start doing it more, he might follow your example.

Original poster
DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou · 04/04/2020 21:06

You said that you were worried he'd leave your one year old unattended. Now you've established that he wouldn't actually do that?

What?! I haven't established he wouldn't do that?

My EXACT WORRY is that he would ASSUME I was looking after the baby and leave.

He wouldn't leave the kids if he was aware I was gone.

Did you READ my OP?!

OP posts:
Stuckandsadintheupsidedown · 04/04/2020 21:07

Can you give him a time when he MUST be there with the kids? Like 3-4 pm. Tell him it's 3 o clock and then fuck off for a bath or lie down?

Original poster
DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou · 04/04/2020 21:11

Yes. I have done. I have to book him in. That's exactly what I do.

I clearly must be totally unreasonable to think this is wrong to have to do that.

I bow out. I'm too angry to carry on.
Thanks for the input.

OP posts:
Dontunderestimateme · 04/04/2020 21:11

If he ignores you and carries on it tells you everything you need to know. The DC are your responsibility, not his. You have two options. Accept that and live with it, or not.

KillerofMen · 04/04/2020 21:11

I'm just typing randomly without reading your posts, yes.

It seems the issue is you want to leave the house without telling him, rather than the better option which is you communicate with each other before either of you leave.

Cohle · 04/04/2020 21:12

Can't you just say "oh, keep an eye on the baby for a sec would you" and then breeze out of the room, if possible whilst on the phone to discourage discussion? Then run to the car Grin

Or given you want to be less childish, then just more or less repeat your OP to him. If your partner doesn't respect you enough to listen to you when you want to have a serious discussion then there is a much deeper problem in your marriage.

TryingToBeBold · 04/04/2020 21:19

... so you've pinpointed when this is happening in previous years.
Anything else significant happening around the time to cause this?

Not being funny OP.. you won't get much sympathy when this man has found this behaviour acceptable before and you have gone on to have more children and take on more financial responsibilities (in terms of a bigger house)

GemmeFatale · 04/04/2020 21:20

I get it OP. I’ve had this fight with my usually lovely OH. I’ve left it as a question for him. Either we both have to ask the other for permission to have a shower/work/pee alone or we both get to assume the other is actively engaged in parenting the way he assumes I am.

Isitweekendyet · 04/04/2020 21:20

Arse.

Make it into a game - find Daddy. The winner gets to spend the next three hours clinging to him asking the same mundane questions that are making our ears bleed.

"Can I have something to eat?" "When's lunch?" "Can you take me to the toilet?" "Will you play with me?" "Can we go to the park?" "I'm bored - how much longer until we can go back to normal?"

I think the expression is tag you're it?

I sympathise OP. However, I am pretending I didn't hide from my four year old in the downstairs bathroom for half an hour this afternoon.

Original poster
DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou · 04/04/2020 21:22

I've asked him many times just to give me a head up before he does - just as respect.

@KillerofMen

What is it about my above statement (taken from my original post) that made you think I equally want to up and leave with no notice?

OP posts:
fascinated · 04/04/2020 21:25

I, and many of my mum friends (becuase I have raised this with them) know EXACTLY what you mean. Yanbu.

oncemorewithfeeling99 · 04/04/2020 21:27

I know exactly what you are talking about OP.

It's not just the actual caring, it the mental load that it is assumed that you will be the one organising this and concerning yourself with ensuring there is an adult there. Any 'system' that you organise to mitigate this, is missing the point. You shouldn't have to organise a system!

MindyStClaire · 04/04/2020 21:30

YANBU. It's so disrespectful. A friend's husband does this. He's useless in just about every way though. Once he did it having forgotten that she had gone out and left two very small children alone in the house because he was just so used to upping and leaving without thinking about it. He realised before his car was at the end of their street, but still. Asshole.

ShesGotBetteDavisEyes · 04/04/2020 21:31

My dh been outside all day preparing to build a shed. So far I can see....absolutely no change. I have:

Got up and ready, fed cats, got kids ready and breakfasted, cleaned the entire house, changed bedlinen and made beds, went for a hour long walk with dc’s, made lunch, cleared lunch, made cookies with dd, got up on roof (!) and cleaned conservatory roof, trimmed dd’s hair, made dinner, cleared up afterwards, got dc’s to get ready for bed and settled in front of a movie with snacks. All this whilst dealing with kids constant demands. He’s now sat making calculations on a pad, probably for his shed.

He already has a shed that’s sat empty. I don’t know the answer but I feel your pain Op. all I can say is we’ve been together a long time and I’m used to it and luckily I enjoy being busy.

He also does the WFH “thing” that seems to largely involve staring into space and browsing eBay.

LaurieMarlow · 04/04/2020 21:31

Lock the door, and take your time about answering. And/or do a "formal" handover- "right, you're in charge of the kids till 10. Then I'll do till 1. Then you"

Are you married? How the hell would things work this way. That's ridiculous.

In fairness, the suggestion made isn’t actually ridiculous.

You need to take some drastic action. He would put your youngest child in actual danger if you didn’t stick around to babysit him. You’ve tried to talk him, for years, and he won’t listen.

What do you suggest you do?

MynameisJune · 04/04/2020 21:32

Don’t ask him to watch the kids when you go somewhere, tell him.

My DH does this, just fucks off into the garden/garage wherever and doesn’t tell me. If I want to go to the bathroom or have a bath/shower I have to ask him to watch the kids. So now I tell him ‘I’m going for a bath or whatever’ and I do it before he has a chance to disappear.

It’s fucking annoying and it drives me insane the inequality of it, but since I’ve started just going and not asking he has been getting better.

KillerofMen · 04/04/2020 21:34

You've mentioned that don't like having to plan or 'book him in'. You dismissed quite strongly the idea of having set times where one person was 'on duty'. I inferred from this that you want to just leave as be does. I don't think that's the way forward. I would suggest increasing the amount of time you're unavailable to be the 'default' parent, letting him know when you're unavailable etc.

Maybe consider counseling - you could investigate that now as some relationship counselors do Skype sessions.

If it's been like this for years it'll take a lot of effort to change behaviours. You'll know best if it's worth the effort.

UnaCorda · 04/04/2020 21:37

So many bloody useless men. It's depressing.