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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder who cares for children if parents get really sick?

100 replies

Idontwantthis · 04/04/2020 15:50

Just that really - dh and I have started feeling ill - 3 small dc.

If we get as ill as people seem to be while still being at home (I’ve read about people
Not having the energy to raise their heads etc) how on earth do we look after children when you can’t get any help to do so?

OP posts:

EmAndes · 04/04/2020 17:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

carly2803 · 04/04/2020 17:43

single parent here, so i speak from experience.

I was so sick I spent days in bed, with kids. It was horrific. But you muddle through, crappy meals for 5 days, throw things at the kids to eat. Live off ANY junk/normal food for a few days. Sit in the middle of the floor and "play" with the kids, basically rest with a duvet.

I was so poorly, never felt anything like it in my life, but you crack on because you have too.
I cried a lot those days, in private. because i was so exhausted. you go bed too when the kids do.

EmAndes · 04/04/2020 17:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ToTheVetsWeGo · 04/04/2020 17:45

If me and DH are both I'll at the same time then we would work it between us, sleep at different times etc. Not a chance I'd let them go into foster care no matter how poorly we were

ToTheVetsWeGo · 04/04/2020 17:45

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 04/04/2020 17:57

If i ended up in hospital ds17 would look after them. If we both did I dont know, ds25 would probably come and have them

insideoutsider · 04/04/2020 18:24

I was thinking about this only this morning and telling my kids where everything was. I'm a single parent and my closest family is in Africa. I don't really have many friends that could look after my children... I guess I have one 'friend' about 25miles away.

My kids can look after themselves during the day but they'll be emotionally distressed. My hope is that my kids would contact my 'friend' as well as contact my mum, who would fight tooth and nail to get a flight into UK to look after them.

Once she's here, all will be well.

Such a sad thing to have to think about.

insideoutsider · 04/04/2020 18:38

Oh, and that was if I had to go to hospital.

If I was home, they would be more than fine. Scared, but fine.
When they were nursery age, I was really bad with the flu and a chest infection. I was so bad, that I fainted on the way to the kitchen one morning. When I came to, I made their bottles and practically crawled around the house caring for them. I had rang the emergency number and they were going to send an ambulance out but I declined.

I'd be worried about having to go to hospital though.

brightyellowcardigan · 04/04/2020 18:52

Dh and I both had flu a few years ago, only time we've ever had it and it was bad. We could barely get out of bed, yet we managed to feed the kids things like toast and pizza and put the tv on. They were 3 and 5 so very young. One of us would sleep on the sofa and take it in turns to go to bed so they could wake us if they really needed to.

If you were worse I think you'd be in hospital and then I guess that dc would end up in short term foster care as a pp said.

BogRollBOGOF · 04/04/2020 19:00

My 7 & 9 yos could fend for themselves for a few days on easy foods and endless TV/ Minecraft. We are keeping a stock of suitable foods for them to prepare in this eventuality.

TBH they always were quite feral with a good survival instinct. DS1 at 2 was good at entertaining himself while I was pretty incapacitated with SPD/ birth injuries. Sometimes high functioning autism has its benefits

DM's back used to "go" and she'd spend a few days lying on the floor. I remember being about 9 or 10 when it happened while we had a disabled relative staying so I had to look after myself and care for him including personal care. I remember using the oven and cooking things like beans on toast. Obviously not ideal for children to be long term carers, but infantalising them does no credit to them either.

LavenderQuartz · 04/04/2020 19:07

reminds me of a film on netflix about a 2 year old home alone when her mum died. it was a chinese film ironically but quite good! little girl wrecked the joint but lived

LavenderQuartz · 04/04/2020 19:09

film was called 'pihu'

Lifeisgenerallyfun · 04/04/2020 19:23

I was really ill last week, couldn’t lift head off pillow etc. Luckily by time DH came down with it I was much better. But did think about it. Realised my 7 year old would be able to get himself simple meals like sandwiches/toast. He knows how to use the microwave so could have cooked the little tubs of beans and micro meals, made cereals/drinks got snacks.

If we had ended up in hospital our friends (who have already had it) would prob have taken him. But it was a big fear I had to think through and maybe everyone should put a plan in place. I think any child over 5 would be able to cope for a few days

Mlou32 · 04/04/2020 19:23

I'm sure the the government have already covered this in one of their daily speeches. If you become so unwell that you absolutely cannot look after your children, then social services will step in. It might be an idea to write out a list of emergency numbers in case you need them if you do get really sick.

Lifeisgenerallyfun · 04/04/2020 19:26

Obviously not on their own in the house!

drspouse · 04/04/2020 19:26

I would worry about children trying to do dangerous things while you were asleep if you were really ill.
If we were both in hospital I think we'd find friends (parents of class mates, mainly) to take them.
If we were both at home and really really unwell I suspect we could get help from neighbours. I have adult friends who live on their own and don't have health conditions who could probably come and watch for no house burning down or escaping or taking anyone else's meds.

I've only been that ill pre DCs and once I had suspected malaria so was in hospital till they decided it was "only" pneumonia.

oncemorewithfeeling99 · 04/04/2020 19:41

It's no different to any other time. If there are family or friends who are willing to look after them, then they would (either in their own home or yours). This would be an emergency and therefore normal lockdown rules wouldn't apply. If there was literally no-one then they would go into emergency foster care. It's the same as if both parents had a car accident or similar. Lockdown wouldn't prevent family for being able to travel for this purpose unless they were sick themselves or chose not to for health reasons.

Original poster

Idontwantthis · 04/04/2020 20:03

A lot of the posters here are talking about children who could look after themselves at a push. Mine are under 2, including a breastfed baby, that’s where my panic comes from.

And I wasn’t concerned about breaking lockdown rules by having family over to look after them - if things were bad I frankly wouldn’t give a damn - more about then subjecting loved ones to an infection that’s knocked me and dh so badly we can’t look after our own children!

OP posts:

Original poster

Idontwantthis · 04/04/2020 20:06

Loved ones who have vulnerabilities that could quite literally mean death, I meant to add.

If the other solution is foster care, I will literally be praying me and dh don’t get sick at the same time

OP posts:

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 04/04/2020 20:07

I have arranged with my neighbours for us both to help out with shopping should any of us have to self isolate

I have enough at home for over a week two weeks would be struggling

Catladiesaremyheroes · 04/04/2020 20:24

I once had to have an emergency placement for two very young kids (both under 3 years). They were in a car crash and both parents needed surgery, but both children were uninjured.
Unfortunately, they were on holidays, and literally knew no one whatsoever. The children came in their beachwear, nothing to comfort them. Added to they distress was the fact that they last saw mum and dad bloody and lots of ambulances, fire engines, police, etc.

The older child ever left my side for the two nights it took to get relatives to collect them. The cries and screaming of the younger child, really only a baby, stayed with me for a very long time. They literally cried for 48 hours.
As it turns out, neither child had ever been cared for by any other than mum/dad, never been to baby groups, nursery, nothing. A large part of their distress could be attributed to that lack of outside input.

It changed the way I patented, making sure my child would have others involved, just in case I couldn’t be there

OldLace · 05/04/2020 08:22

I am a single parent to two children aged 15 and 12. Both are autistic.
They need reminded to eat and drink regularly, to wash etc.
I am disabled too (mobility difficulties) but we manage just fine.
Their Father is 50m away. All family 300miles away. V rural too.
They are in mainstream school, and are on SEN register but dont have EHCP's (we were turned down and have reapplied but its all stopped).
Ds is being investigated for Epilepsy. School are aware but no contact from them since shutdown (except online work which isn't being 'handed in' as there is no facility for that at home). So, I'm a bit scared.

I know this situation will pass but it has really foccussed my mind on how vulnerable we are, not just now but in general.
I have food in the freezer, some cash in the house, there is 1 small village shop. They'd manage for a few days I expect. But not if I died.
Due to my mobility etc I'd got very overweight. Ive lost 8st in the last 2 years and I'm bloody glad i did as i know this reduces complications for Covid (or anything else).

I dont think they'd cope well with foster care.
Their Dad would have to drive over & cope (he's hopeless but all there is)

Flev · 05/04/2020 13:47

This us my constant worry - 2 of us but our daughter is only 17 months old. My husband's parents would not be able to help as his dad is in the "extremely vulnerable" category. My family are over 200 miles away. Think I need a conversation with a close friend who is only a couple of streets away and knows her well, to see if she'd step in should we ever reach the worst case scenario of us both being hospitalised.

DontStandSoCloseToMe · 05/04/2020 14:05

DH and I both had something horrific a few weeks ago (not tested so don't know for sure it was covid), DS actually had it first, then a few days after I got it, and about 48 hours later DH got it, it was like terrible flu (acres, sore throat etc) with a high temp, banging headache and a cough, we had a couple of days that we're really tough especially as DS was ill too and not sleeping, but we did manage, we took it in shifts, slept when we could, got baby to nap with us if he wouldn't go in his cot. Routine went out of the window and we ate whatever was easiest. The worst was over in 7-10 days and I felt back to normal after about a fortnight, DS ended up in hospital because his fever was over 40 and not responding to meds. We are all now completely fine, it took DS about 3 weeks and his sleep is still a bit hit and miss. If DH and I both needed to go to hospital my mum would've had DS but we didn't ask for her help as we didn't want to infect anyone else. In one of the early briefings this question was asked and the answer was it's ok for family to help if you are physically unable to meet the basic needs of your child. I'm not a social worker but in a related field and have seen temporary foster care used for medical need of the parent a number of times, especially with lone parents in an unfamiliar area/no local support network.

midnightstar66 · 05/04/2020 14:16

I've been as ill as you describe before. Had to crawl to the toilet along the floor as I couldn't stand up. Couldn't lift my head. I lay on the sofa and DD1 who was 4 cheerfully got food for her and nearly 2 yo DD2 she even helped her change her pull up and get her pyjamas on and tucked her in to bed. Thankfully i had lots of picnic/lunch style foods in but I was thankful I'd thought her the life skills I had. They didn't seem to mind being stuck in front of the tv for a few days. I was so proud of her.

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