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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Big argument with DH

67 replies

bennyboy20 · 03/04/2020 14:12

I was chatting online with some friends earlier today and we were discussing what would happen once life returns to normal, and if any habits formed during the pandemic would continue.

One friend said that she hoped her parents would continue to cut back on their alcohol consumption, as they had done since the lockdown started and were feeling much better in themselves.

I then commented that I hoped DH's parents would also cut back, as they do drink an awful lot and DH's dad has been hospitalised with high blood pressure, stroke etc in the past, and has been told by the doctor to cut back.

Came off the call and DH has gone nuts at me, saying that I have been disrespectful of his parents to my friends (none of which know his parents). Between the two of us we have openly discussed his parents drinking in front of other friends and he has told me recently he was getting concerned how much they were drinking.

He's now stomping round the house shouting and waking up our DC from their naps. AIBU that I think he's overreacted? I have apologised to him, but I was just stating fact and that I hoped they would cut back a bit (not give up altogether!)

🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 03/04/2020 14:14

Not sure what you should apologise for? Is it because you told your friends?

bigchris · 03/04/2020 14:14

Yabu

It's not your place you discuss his parents private lives with your friends

I'd be pissed off too

MonaLisaDoesntSmile · 03/04/2020 14:16

Well, it's very different to talk between yourselves, and then to outher people. How would you feel if he said something as critical about your parents to his friends?

Topseyt · 03/04/2020 14:17

I can't see that you were unreasonable. Is he flouncing around like an overgrown toddler still?

MonaLisaDoesntSmile · 03/04/2020 14:17

It's not really your place to criticise his family on the forum with other people. The fact the friends dont know the parents kind of makes it workse- as now they will have formed an opinion on them without even meeting them, so I get why he is upset.

HT96 · 03/04/2020 14:18

YABU to discuss his parents with your friends but he needs to get a grip especially if you have already apologised 🤦🏻‍♀️

Original poster
bennyboy20 · 03/04/2020 14:19

He has done! He will openly complain about my mum being a bit of a pain in the backside with his friends (and I agree with him, she can be!!)

Plus he openly discusses the issue with our friends when we used to get together.

OP posts:
Mylittlepony374 · 03/04/2020 14:24

YABU. I'd never do similar with my husband's parents. How much they drink is none of your friends business.

Eugenieonegin · 03/04/2020 14:25

I think it’s difficult, if I chose to criticise my parents in front of friends that would be my choice. I wouldn’t want anyone else to do it in a conversation I wasn’t involved in.

HoffiCoffi13 · 03/04/2020 14:26

Probably wise to remember everyone is a bit stressed at the moment. Maybe he’s worried about his parents? He shouldn’t take it out on you obviously, but I think many tempers are a bit frayed at the moment.

heartsonacake · 03/04/2020 14:27

YABU. They’re his parents, you have no right to discuss their business with anyone.

It is irrelevant if he himself has discussed it with friends; as their son, that is his right. Not yours.

You need to apologise.

rattusrattus20 · 03/04/2020 14:28

unhelpful i know but it honestly depends on how you said it.

CalleighDoodle · 03/04/2020 14:29

Yabu. You should have said what changes YOU have made. Not someone else. Bang out of order. What the conversation should have been about was self-improvement. It turned into gossip

marly11 · 03/04/2020 14:33

I think the lock down situation inflames this. For many of us with our own women friends we talk about personal things that we share without our DPs hearing. This is part of our friendship group. Our partners are not party to these conversations and shouldn't be, so all being inside now means we can't have these private conversations - it's hard! I feel like a teenager again where I didn't want my parents to hear my phone calls... now in my own home as an adult. I feel for you OP. I'm sure lots of us do it but we are not used to being overheard.

BrooksJan · 03/04/2020 14:43

It depends on the friends, how the conversation was going.

If drinking were to come up in conversation on a video call with a good friends who were saying they hoped their relative would cut down a bit, then DH would probably say he hoped SIL would too. If I said similar he wouldn't bat an eyelid.

aquamarine1 · 03/04/2020 14:50

I'd be furious if I overheard my husband discussing something about my family to his friends. I think you were totally out of order.

WickedlyPetite · 03/04/2020 14:53

You didn't just pass comment on their drinking though, you discussed your FIL's medical history and doctors advice. That's overstepping the mark. YABU.

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/04/2020 14:54

YANBU
If he speaks about your mother, why is it not ok to talk about his parents? By talking to the friend about your in-laws, you were empathising with her and explaining you understand how she feels. If anything, it shows you care about them. He’s being an arse and it’s not ok to wake your kids. It’s hopefully lock down stress.

theemmadilemma · 03/04/2020 14:57

Yeah I'd be pissed off with you.

If he chooses to raise the topic and discuss himself in front of friends that's one thing. It's not for you to raise or discuss outside of that.

DP's Mum is an alcoholic. He knows it, he says it. I have a firm rule that I nod along, but I don't overly comment, because he doesn't really want to hear my full honest opinion. He wants to rant. I don't raise it with him ever, and I wouldn't discuss it with a group of friends. Its just not my place.

RonnieBarkingMad · 03/04/2020 14:58

Yeah of course you were being unreasonable. Who the hell do you think you are to broadcast his families problems on social media? That is pretty disgusting and If I were your DH, then yes, I’d be mad at you too. I’m astonished you think you might be in the wrong here.

LesFleursDuMal · 03/04/2020 14:59

With husband here. How much his parents drink is none of your business and definitely none of your friends'. I'd be furious, if my husband did this to me.

They are grown up people, responsible for their own actions and (presumably) you don't pay for their drinks.

RonnieBarkingMad · 03/04/2020 15:00

^^Meant astonished that you think you weren’t in the wrong here

Josette77 · 03/04/2020 15:06

I'd be mad too.

PlanDeRaccordement · 03/04/2020 15:09

Well you were in the wrong to discuss his parents medical conditions and advice from doctors to friends online. He is justified in being upset.

I know you said you apologised but maybe it was not a real apology because you’re on here thinking he’s the unreasonable one and you think you did nothing wrong. People know the difference between a sorry not sorry and a genuine sorry. That’s probably why he is still upset about it.

Indie139 · 03/04/2020 15:12

Yabu, i'd be upset if my partner discussed things parents did with his friends. Doesnt matter if his friends know them or not. It may seem like nothing to you but he may not want others to know about his familys business

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