To be really fuming right now

[SuckingDownDarjeeling]

I don’t even know where to start... DP’s nephew (so DPN) lives with us, DP’s dad (with COPD) and our 20mo twins. So far despite some obvious lock-in tension we’ve all been doing quite well to stay indoors, with the exception of occasionally shopping for essentials and DP working as he is a key worker. This morning DPN gets a message from his mother (who lives in the West Country) saying DPN’s dad has decided to leave her house and come jaunting down to London. So of course, DPN decides to go and see him. I was surprised to say the least, he said he would wear gloves and a mask and keep 2m distance the whole time which even then I thought was taking too much of a risk and is quite frankly at this time not essential so not legal. Anyway, five hours later, he’s still out, DP sends him a message saying where are you, DPN has gone to his Dad’s friend’s flat to hang out. WTF?? I’m ranting, I feel helpless and angry. I don’t even know why I’m posting as what advice could anybody possibly give but should I calm down?? I’m not even going to go into the reasons why I don’t like DPN’s dad at the best of times but safe to say he won’t be bothered right now about any laws he’s breaking, lockdown or not.

If you can't guarantee that he will self isolate if he returns, there is no point in him coming back.

And what guarantee do you have that he won't go out and do the same thing again?

He’s made his choice. So off he fucks back to the West Country with his Dad. Or if the Dad doesn’t actually live there, back to his Mum’s. With FIL’s COPD and 20mo twins, no way would I be letting him back in. It’s not your house, but you live there and your children’s safety is being compromised because he is being an arse.

• as in you said FIL owns it. But it’s your home.

He is a “man” in his twenties, acting recklessly and putting your family as risk. You need to protect your family and make an informed choice and tell him not to return.

Get your DP onto this thread? He is being stupid for even considering letting his nephew back in after such a breach of trust. This can kill babies as well as elderly. It is a roll of the dice and none of us know which of us will breeze through whilst others die. He is breaking the law from what I gather, you are not allowed to meet up or visit others like this and there seems to be a larger company than 2 to make matters worse. Add onto the fact DPN father has been on the train and clearly does not care adds the risk to everyone's health.

Seven days of isolation in his room isn't enough, is it? Doesn't the incubation take up to 14 days? And he'll of course have to use the toilet and shower, so it will be next to impossible to effectively isolate him in his room-- and that's IF he was diligent about it, ate all his meals alone, etc.

I'm afraid it seems unlikely, when he's proven so thick-headed and selfish, so far!

I'd be sending nephew off to live with his mother (or any other family member who'd take him in). Your partner needs to prioritise the most at-risk members of his family, the ones who weren't so stupid as to go gallivanting hither and thither for no good reason.

@Wewearpinkonwednesdays Well that was very stupid of him, and he's being very selfish to take that risk especially with his grandfathers COPD, but he is not breaking any laws. Have you not listened to anything in the news? How can you be so unaware? You’re not supposed to visit anyone outside your family group, so of course he’s broken the law.

OP if it’s FIL’s house what does he think? Surely he sets the rules? You need to advise him not to let his idiot grandson back in. He can fuck off to his mum’s.

@MadameMersault, FIL frustratingly doesn’t have an opinion. I’m a big germophobe even when there isn’t a pandemic and the family by comparison is very laid back about contamination of any kind. It’s kind of a losing battle to convince anybody. In all seriousness I would be better off leaving and isolating myself and the babies if I had that option. But I don’t.

Some people are dickheads .When all of this is over I'm setting up an institution for them . I shall call it Caged Bird Singing' s Home for Dickheads . I will go to great lengths to make them comfy and well-accommodated then I will lock all the doors and fuck right off .
And I won't be back .

He wouldn't be coming back into my house.

Assuming he isn’t back yet I wouldn’t be negotiating with the household. Pack him a suitcase, stick it on the doorstep and let him know you’ll see him when it’s safe to do so.

I’m guessing he didn’t come back last night from your last post. Perhaps it would be better that he goes to his mum’s

@MadameMeursault

No its not the law. No laws have been passed.

FIL frustratingly doesn’t have an opinion

Surely he must have an opinion about whether he wants to risk serious illness or death?

@Wewearpinkonwednesdays I have been confused about what’s ‘legal’ or not but the gov website and the UK fact checking charity do say it’s illegal, I’m not sure they’d be able to impose a fine if there was no law contravened.

He’s still not back. FIL is very nonchalant about all of this, he’s definitely not scared. This really feels like bashing my head against a brick wall. My mother is upset and feels helpless to do anything and that’s making me more angry. @Cagedbirdsinging I think I’ll have a few inaugural members for you.

Definitely don't let him back in your home. His behaviour is extremely selfish and putting your family at risk, do not tolerate that.

@Wewearpinkonwednesdays I think you need to read this: www.gov.uk/government/publications/coronavirus-outbreak-faqs-what-you-can-and-cant-do/coronavirus-outbreak-faqs-what-you-can-and-cant-do , and would also like to point you to this: www.33bedfordrow.co.uk/insights/news/lockdown-becomes-law . Please fact check before making claims that aren't true and causing possible confusion.

He's an adult and he knows his grandpa has COPD.

He knew full well what the risks were when he chose to go out. Phones/zoom/Skype all exist, it would have been easy to get in touch with his dad without leaving the house

He really needs to stay away now. However if he really will end up on the streets I'd move the microwave to his room, make him stay in there and leave him a ready meal outside the door each day. He needs to stay in there for 14 days not 7.

Having said that, if your DP is a key worker the actual risk to your fIL of your DN going out isn't going to be any greater than your DP going to work. How is your DP managing coming home?

Well,there’s no Uni at the moment (or for the next few months),so DPN doesn’t ‘need’ to be in London/live with you for that purpose for some time,so you’re not putting DPN at any disadvantage by saying he needs to go and stay with his parents for the isolation/lockdown period. Clearly his parents have no issue with breaking lockdown, so let them bear any consequences eg caring for a sick DPN,should he contract covid19 from his little jolly.

It’s simple. What would you regret more,OP: putting your foot down hard and refusing him re-entry to the household for the sake of all those in it and perhaps falling out temporarily with DPN and DP,
OR not sticking to your very correct guns and someone in the house subsequently contracting covid19 and, should it be one of the more at risk inhabitants (your FIL and your twins) becoming seriously ill and very possibly dying?

I feel for you, as it always seems to be the women bearing the burden of difficult family dynamics and the men being either apathetic or selfish (or both). Best of luck and hope you all manage to stay safe.

Did he come back?

Op, I hope this is sorted out. The point is that any one of you could catch the virus if he brings it home with you. And there are sadly no guarantees that any one of you would survive. Some are more vulnerable than others, but people with no underlying conditions are dying, and so are children. I really feel for you and hope that common sense has prevailed.

Sorry for the silence. He came back, stroppier than ever before, and as per DP’s text he threw his clothes in the wash (I washed them again with disinfectant anyway), had a shower and then locked himself in his room. He’s refusing to talk to me, presumably because I wouldn’t let his dad in the house. The atmosphere is tense, but babies and FIL are safe and I’m sending food up to him and disinfecting then bathroom every time I go in there. I did call 101 before he came back but that led to nothing, although they were genuinely interested based on the history of one of the people. I’m so so exhausted with people’s selfishness right now. He only went out because he thought he could bend the government guidelines. He took public transport to his dad’s friends flat. NONE of this is about guidelines, it’s about the fact that anyone can die from this virus.

I don't know why you let him back in. If he's got it how are you going to stop him spreading it over the next 7 days.

Sorry your OH didn't have more sense as I am assuming he let him back in. There is no guarantee that these 7 days is enough as they tend to say 12 days and then 7 days and if he has symptoms, he might need to be isolated for weeks on end. Hope he doesn't have anything and he was lucky for the sake of everyone living there.

Glad he's locked in his room, but I wouldn't have let him back in in the first place.
I hope you're not sending any 'treats' up there.