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Original poster

Constant rows with 'D'P

53 replies

sallycinnamon14 · 02/04/2020 16:03

I know this is a difficult time. I know that I am half to blame as I've had bad attitude and temper myself.

But god, we have never argued more. I'm finding it so hard being stuck home. I love taking the kids out, socialising, going places. Dp is naturally more introverted and less social so in a way that side isn't bothering him. But I feel he isn't pulling his weight. We are both working from home but I seem to be the one entertaining the kids, doing housework, walking dogs, if I ask for his help it's always the same 'I'm working' but I am too!

The garden is in disarray and this could be a great time to tidy it up but when he's not working he'll please himself. Read a book, play his Xbox, go for a solo run. It's like a little holiday for him! And so along with being stressed and worried and anxious with everything I'm now incredibly frustrated with him and his selfishness!

I snapped yesterday and called him lazy. We ended up rowing (kids were thankfully outside and didn't hear) but it got quite unpleasant. I really don't know if it's the pressure of the situation or true colours becoming clearer now we are so confined but I'm finding it hard to tolerate him. To add the kids are mine from previous marriage and dp and I have been together 4 years and always got along fairly well but now I'm finding myself rethinking the relationship

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 02/04/2020 16:06

He's lazy and selfish. I'd be rethinking this, too.

Windyatthebeach · 02/04/2020 16:09

Times of crisis show the true colours of a relationship ime..
Time to ship him out ASAP
I have dc not dh's and he works his balls off at home when he can.

Original poster
sallycinnamon14 · 02/04/2020 16:09

I'm quite aware of my own faults and I know at times I have snapped and being moody because he isn't pulling his weight. Maybe if I asked outright for him to do something he'd do it. But I feel like why should I need to ask? He's a grown man not another child and he shouldn't need telling that chores need doing. It's common sense.

OP posts:
SharonasCorona · 02/04/2020 16:14

Why are you blaming yourself, OP? He’s a knob.

Stop doing anything for a start, no meals, no washing, no tidying after him. He needs to know you won’t clear up after him.

SharonasCorona · 02/04/2020 16:15

*for him, that should be

Original poster
sallycinnamon14 · 02/04/2020 16:21

@SharonasCorona I suppose I'm trying to look at it objectively because we are in such unusual circumstances right now. And I know I can make it worse by being snappy and moody when maybe I ought to just politely ask him to do stuff.

But yes there's no escaping the fact he is very selfish and lazy. We both had annual leave to use up last week and on my day off I blitzed the house and entertained the kids, on his he played call of duty...

OP posts:
billy1966 · 02/04/2020 16:25

So you have moved in a waster OP.

He's shown you EXACTLY who he is.

No prize.

He doesn't involve himself with your children because he isn't interested.

He doesn't help because he sees you as the house skivvy.

Thats why he behaves like he does.

Certainly no example to have in your home for your children.
Good luck .

Original poster
sallycinnamon14 · 02/04/2020 16:27

@billy1966 I have to say that's a bit strong! I mean he clearly has some redeeming features or id never have moved him in in the first place! He has always been good with the kids but it almost feels like he's using the current situation as an excuse to be lazier than usual.

In normal life he seems to help out more if that makes sense but just lately I feel like I'm picking up a lot of slack. And of course the kids aren't usually home this much so that's a struggle too.

Just sick of the bad atmosphere really.

OP posts:
SharonasCorona · 02/04/2020 16:29

I think @billy1966 is possibly right, OP.

How much does he do? He’s great with the kids, but what does this mean?

I0NA · 02/04/2020 16:34

I bet he’s not being lazier than normal . I bet it’s just that you are noticing it more because you are both home all the time.

I think you are right to rethink things.

Are you rented or buying ? Is it in your name or both names ?

Original poster
sallycinnamon14 · 02/04/2020 16:45

Own the house, joint. But he earns a lot more than me. I only work part time.

When I say he's great with the kids I mean he's always engaged well with them. Taken time for them. I wouldn't say he's overly involved but he doesn't need to be - their dad is still around and shares custody. I have always secretly suspected dp prefers to do his own thing than voluntarily do the family stuff. But he does it because they are mine and we came as a package.

In these really testing times a lot of people seem to be falling out with partners and I understand the tension and worry can cause moods and arguments. But with him it's like
I'm seeing a different side to him. Or maybe one that has previously been a lot better hidden.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 02/04/2020 17:49

Yeah I agree with Billy, you're seeing who he really is now op when you need his support and he's not there for you

Joanna1232 · 02/04/2020 18:09

Has he lived with a partner before or has his own children so used to what's involved to care for children/ or keep life at home ticking over?

Original poster
sallycinnamon14 · 02/04/2020 18:10

Doesn't have any kids of his own but has lived with people before. I'm now getting made to feel bad for bringing it up.

OP posts:
DonnaDarko · 02/04/2020 18:14

What is he usually like? If he didn't help out much before, I hardly expect that would change now.

To be honest, I'd rather do my own thing than do family stuff half the time, but I do it cos it's my kid

Original poster
sallycinnamon14 · 02/04/2020 18:18

@DonnaDarko well quite. I feel like he sometimes does things out of obligation rather than because he genuinely wants to but that could be said for a lot of parents and stepparents.

OP posts:
RonnieBarkingMad · 02/04/2020 18:20

Surprised at the responses so far.

The only evidence you have supplied of him being lazy is wanting to read books instead of tidying up the garden. It can’t be in that much of a disarray if your children were out playing in it whilst you were both having your row.

You’re in a confined space and being forced to live together with no escape and it’s new and it’s scary and tense. Big Brother wasn’t a successful TV show for nothing.

Original poster
sallycinnamon14 · 02/04/2020 18:31

@RonnieBarkingMad I think the point I was making is I don't get chance to read my book or do anything I want because I'm busy running around after everyone else, would be nice if things felt a bit more equal.

There are a lot of useful things he could be doing in his free time but it feels like he just wants to please himself.

OP posts:
LannieDuck · 02/04/2020 18:32

Do you and he have set chores? Or is it a bit of a free-for-all?

Why don't you suggest that he writes a list of household tasks and splits them between the two of you 50:50. You could both discuss adding a few extras on, e.g. getting the garden in a good state.

Then you both know what's expected of you and you can choose when you tackle the chores and when you take a break. And it won't all fall to you.

sonjadog · 02/04/2020 18:34

If he hasn't been overly involved with the kids previously, then it maybe isn't so strange that he isn't now either? The other stuff he should pitch in with.

AvonBarksdale99 · 02/04/2020 18:37

Are you both working from home? It’s not fair to expect him to work and then do household chores, and then you to do household chores then relax (I’m not saying you mean that, but just as an example) But you should both have the same amount of working/chores/caring time, and the same amount of relaxing time.

RonnieBarkingMad · 02/04/2020 18:40

I just find the responses a bit disproportionate to your OP. You said you had a row because you think he’s lazy and people have responded telling you to leave him, to reconsider the relationship, that he has shown you “EXACTLY who he is”, telling you to ship him out, calling him selfish.. because he reads books and other things he enjoys doing.. you even say that is exactly what you want to do if you got the chance - it’s not an unusual thing for people to want to do things that they want. But If you prefer to be influenced by advice from probably bored people advising you to consider leaving your partner of four years because you both shouted at each other then that’s up to you.

SharonasCorona · 02/04/2020 18:42

@Avon the OP says in her very first post that they are BOTH working from home.

And even if OP wasn’t, it doesn’t mean he should no housework and childcare.

SharonasCorona · 02/04/2020 18:45

calling him selfish.. because he reads books and other things he enjoys doing..

@RonnieBarkingMad you can’t really have missed the point so entirely could you? The issue isn’t that he does things that he enjoys the issue is that he leaves OP to entertaining the kids, doing housework, walking dogs while he does fuck all and reads. Do you seriously not get that?

Baboomtsk · 02/04/2020 18:47

How old are your kids? Could they be helping more around the house?

I think LannieDuck's idea is a good one.

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