Constant rows with 'D'P

[sallycinnamon14]

I know this is a difficult time. I know that I am half to blame as I've had bad attitude and temper myself.

But god, we have never argued more. I'm finding it so hard being stuck home. I love taking the kids out, socialising, going places. Dp is naturally more introverted and less social so in a way that side isn't bothering him. But I feel he isn't pulling his weight. We are both working from home but I seem to be the one entertaining the kids, doing housework, walking dogs, if I ask for his help it's always the same 'I'm working' but I am too!

The garden is in disarray and this could be a great time to tidy it up but when he's not working he'll please himself. Read a book, play his Xbox, go for a solo run. It's like a little holiday for him! And so along with being stressed and worried and anxious with everything I'm now incredibly frustrated with him and his selfishness!

I snapped yesterday and called him lazy. We ended up rowing (kids were thankfully outside and didn't hear) but it got quite unpleasant. I really don't know if it's the pressure of the situation or true colours becoming clearer now we are so confined but I'm finding it hard to tolerate him. To add the kids are mine from previous marriage and dp and I have been together 4 years and always got along fairly well but now I'm finding myself rethinking the relationship

Does he agree that he needs to do it?

With my DH, I just ask him "hey baby would you mind taking out the rubbish some time today". He will always say yes, and then before bed I'll say thanks or say "why didn't you do it when you said you would, make sure you remember tomorrow". No hard feelings. The end.

Give him a specific task and a deadline which he will agree to. Ask politely.

If he doesn't... Then that's another problem.

@Dontjump

With my DH, I just ask him "hey baby would you mind taking out the rubbish some time today".

That’s very bad advice. You’ve taken on the mental load and are now advising OP to do the same.

In our house we know who does what (DH does bathroom, I do kitchen, DH sorts rubbish and recycling, I sort bedding, he mops downstairs, I hoover upstairs etc).

It’s not my job to remind DH to take out the rubbish!

My DH is similar, he never helped with the housework or the kids, but he worked long hours so I didn't mind too much. I used to ask him to do stuff but he always found a reason not to do it. He always acted like I was getting him to do things cos I was too lazy. He has an easier job now but is still the same. Then I discovered the way to get him to do it was to say ' Can you do XYZ while I do ABC'. That way he accepted that I was doing things as well and not just putting stuff onto him.

I don't take the mental load, this is just specifically addressing if you want him to do something. Plenty of things DH does without me asking or even knowing about until later.

I just think if you want something done it's unreasonable to assume that he also knows unless you tell him. Your idea of the bin being full may be his idea of "it's got another day in it"

If there is work to be done then I’d turn the Xbox off, he can go on it after everyone in the household can relax.

If he doesn’t like it... then show him the door.

Leave him or book some holiday and make it clear you're doing allllll the shit he won't. I'm childish like that...

I wouldn't start any conversation with, "Hey baby..." lol

OP why use a day of AL to blitz the house? Do you enjoy cleaning and tidying as a leisure activity? I'm being serious. If I saw my OH use a precious day of AL to clean I'd assume he enjoyed it. Why else use AL on it. From now on you must use your AL as selfishly as he does. Think about it.

You have to specifically say to him what you expect. Then follow through. Chances are he will be fairly happy doing chores when he's told to. He just can't be arsed with the mental load. So you're the manager and he's the employee. Yes MN will tell you that's not good enough but IMO ue must have some redeeming features for you to be with him so let's give him the benefit of the doubt. You dishing out chores has got to be better than the current situation.

Then instead of using AL to catch up on chores you can use it on yourself, because he will have done his share and therefore no backlog..

1. He earns a lot more than you.

1. He does more hours of paid work than you.

1. They are your kids not his.

1. He thinks its womens work

I suspect the reason he’s doing so little housework is a combination of these four things.

I’m not saying it’s right or I agree, just that’s probably why. I think you need a big discussion to sort this out and decide if you have a future together.

He will always say yes, and then before bed I'll say thanks or say "why didn't you do it when you said you would, make sure you remember tomorrow". No hard feelings. The end.

This is how to treat a teenager, not a functioning adult. No wonder so many people get away with not doing stuff, they rely on a partner to enable their laziness.

@Dontjumptoconclusions

I don't take the mental load, this is just specifically addressing if you want him to do something.

That is the meaning of mental load.

I agree that you need a conversation to see whether he would be prepared to do his bit. Not a conversation that panders to him as if he were a teenagers, but a proper 'how are we going to run this house now'.

Then you know where you stand and can decide accordingly.

Most women's standards for men are far too low - it's why useless lazy men persist tbh.

He has an XBox? How old is he?

What would happen if you just sat down and read?

I mean, would that be so bad?

And then when you've both had some relaxing time you could do the jobs together rather than get annoyed and run around after him.

I have to keep reminding my kids that the kitchen doesn't magically clean itself but I'm not breaking my balls cleaning up after them. Obviously the dog won't walk itself but if you do then someone else can help at home while you're out.

The fairest way is to list the things that need doing, divide them each day and decide who will spend an hour sitting on their arse and when. Clear outline. Rather than this situation of him floating about aimlessly while you do every bloody thing. Does he have a very stressful job usually? Is he just desperate to unwind from all of that? I know when I had a horrendous job I was like a zombie when I had free time.

Grown men playing xbox are so attractive

OP, you are the only one who can judge if this guy playing on his game box, while you run a round is a prize...

They are definitely "your children"...

You will be the judge of how you are treated, what treatment you accept, and what you expect and accept for your future..

I wish you well OP, either way

Have a chat when you're not pissed off. Say now that we're at home all the time we need to share chores equally and divide them up. Include the DC too.
There's nothing inherently wrong with sitting round reading a book or playing xbox.

I'm sure there are UK stats that show a much higher percentage of men don't pull their weight in the house than do. That's obviously a bad thing, but it can be changed.

Woah! Everyone’s replies are crazy. I know half of us want to kill our husbands right now but I’m not sure we should be projecting our feelings so freely.
This is a weird and stressful time, for him too. Your wants and expectations don’t align with his, that doesn’t actually make yours right.
You want the garden better? Then you do it. Maybe it’s not high on his priorities. Why is him reading a book a bag thing? Or exercising?
And the kids you say are actually yours, so perhaps you should shoulder the majority of their care. And perhaps he doesn’t make as much mess as they do.
Am just suggesting a different perspective for you for some balance

Christ if someone tried to make me do gardening on my day off, they would be told to go fuck off

I dunno, i mean he is just a boyfriend, he shouldn’t be parenting your kids, and arguably shouldn’t be doing housework for them like laundering their clothes or looking at their schoolwork, since they have two parents in their lives. But, he chose to shack up with a woman who had multiple kids, so... if he’s making OP ‘feel bad’ about anything, ever, that’s unacceptable, a relationship sole purpose is to enhance your life, otherwise why force your lover into your kids home?

@SharonasCorona

calling him selfish.. because he reads books and other things he enjoys doing..

RonnieBarkingMad you can’t really have missed the point so entirely could you? The issue isn’t that he does things that he enjoys the issue is that he leaves OP to entertaining the kids, doing housework, walking dogs while he does fuck all and reads. Do you seriously not get that?

What point? Entertaining kids aside, why is OP doing housework and walking the dog any more than what OP would be doing if not out at work? Like I said it’s a new and sometimes scary time, but it doesn’t mean extra work needs to be done as much just like it shouldn’t be judged as partner treating this like a holiday. If OP’s partner is working then why should they tidy up the garden on top of that? If OP wouldn’t think it right to ask it for it to be done after a day at work then why now? And like someone else said, if the garden needs a tidy up that bad, then OP should consider clearing it if it’s that big of a deal. And then you get people (like I said, probably bored people) advising OP to end their marriage and consider walking out over it because they snapped at each other, because they are living in a confined space with no escape from each other... which is a perfectly normal human reaction to living in a confined space with no escape from any other person, partner or not. Madness.

Lol at the serious overreactions. This warrants a sit down discussion not throwing him out wtf

Lol at the serious overreactions. This warrants a sit down discussion not throwing him out wtf

It’s mumsnet though, there’s a line and people are desperate to be the one that crosses it the most even if it’s just by the very tip of their Boden shoe (I don’t even know if Boden makes shoes, I just used the first stereotype I could think of).