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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Shouted at me in front of her friends

69 replies

Ava678 · 30/03/2020 20:11

My girlfriend and I (same sex couple) had an upsetting argument/disagreement over the weekend. About sex which is a sensitive topic for me (was raped 5 years ago and sometimes can freeze or freak out during sex) we tried to talk about our sex life and how to improve it tonight and I was getting upset and crying, and halfway through discussion she said she had plans to play online games with her friends at 6pm. I didnt say anythig, but I had been there crying about the situation and I just felt completely pushed to one side and that the conversation was now just over.

I went to walk the dog and then I came back, and she was upstairs still in the computer talking to her friends. And the dog was misbehaving, chewing my bag and pulling it around, barking and howling, and I was in the pantry trying to find him some toys/dog bone to get his focus, and she was shouting my name over and over from upstairs. I replied saying I'm sorting the dog out, but she didnt hear me.

She then shouts "answer me when I am calling you!!!" In a really horrible voice and in front of all her friends on her video chat. I felt really embarrassed that her friends heard her talking to me like that.

She comes downstairs and she is absolutely fuming with me for not answering her. I was like the dog was going crazy I was in the pantry and I was trying to sort him out. Please dont talk to me like that and she was like "oh whatever" and just sneered at me and went back upstairs playing her game.

I feel so horrible and disrespected. After her game has finished she comes downstairs and is like "eugh well I'm guessing you want me to stay upstairs and that you dont wanna talk" (and I know that now she is gonna use it against me that she was the bigger person wanting to talk and I was the one not cooperating) and I was just like yeah I think I need some space and she was like "fine"

I just feel like she should be apologising for shouting at me and belittling me in front of her friends.

OP posts:
Fuzzybumblebee · 30/03/2020 20:17

I'm sorry but she seems awful and clearly didn't care enough about you being upset to push aside playing a game online with friends than speak with you. Do you really want to be in a relationship any longer with her

YangShanPo · 30/03/2020 20:21

Her behaviour sounds pretty abusive. Don't be embarrassed I think her friends would feel bad for you if anything.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 30/03/2020 20:22

You don't need to tolerate being spoken to that way by anyone, let alone by someone who cares for you.

Do you get mostly good things from this relationship, because based on what you've written here she sounds a bit of an arsehole.

SoleBizzz · 30/03/2020 20:25

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Pelleas · 30/03/2020 20:26

Ditching you for online gaming when you are in tears isn't the behaviour of a friend, let alone a girlfriend and the same goes for shouting at you, whether overheard or not. You need to have a serious think about whether you want to be with someone who abuses you like this.

Original poster
Ava678 · 30/03/2020 20:32

She said she wasn't going to cancel it because she was meant to play online games with them yesterday but cancelled because she was too upset after our argument yesterday...

I felt so absolutely furious at the way she spoke to me :( my blood was boiling but I don't want a slanting match. I dont want to have to shout at her for her to realise how horrible that felt to me :(

When I got in from work she said how she hates when we fall out and she wants to make up. An hour later she just is furious at me for not answering her when she was calling me. I was sorting out the dog and sorting out the dinner. I felt like saying fucking use your legs and walk downstairs if you want to talk to me!!! I'm not shouting back and forth from one floor to another

OP posts:
Original poster
Ava678 · 30/03/2020 20:33

I feel really unhappy :( the past week had been lovely and it has all gone wrong this weekend :(

I dont want this relationship. I want to be with her but I dont want to be treated like this. I feel trapped. We live together. Lockdown is happening. I just want her to apologise but it will probably be me apologising

OP posts:
Original poster
Ava678 · 30/03/2020 20:36

And she wonders why our sex life isnt good

OP posts:
Pelleas · 30/03/2020 20:39

Lockdown is a terrible time to be ending a relationship, but your mental wellbeing won't be improved by feeling you have to appease this woman. It's a characteristic of abusers that they think they can shout at you and make you feel the lowest of the low, and you'll still be fine with sex. It's absolutely not OK.

billy1966 · 30/03/2020 20:42

Well OP, she sounds like a right nasty piece of work.

She has shown you who she is.

Protect yourself by making a plan.

Don't apologise to her.

She doesn't sound as if she genuinely cares for you.

Contact friends and family for support IRL.

Flowers
Holothane · 30/03/2020 20:43

Get rid she sounds dreadful you deserve better than this.hugs.

Namechange4nowt45 · 30/03/2020 20:43

Do you know what op, if I was discussing a distressing subject and crying my husband would have asked me if he could cuddle me and comfort me . Never in a million years treat me like this, your partner sounds selfish and abusive

Ellie56 · 30/03/2020 20:45

She sounds horrible. You can do better than her.You deserve better.

Jaxinthebox · 30/03/2020 20:46

get out of this relationship now, this person isnt for you. Nobody should treat you like that, or speak to you like that.

Astressie · 30/03/2020 20:49

Be strong!! Tell her how upset you are and how her behaviour was totally unacceptable. Keep out of her way and don't get dragged into emotionally draining arguments it's all too much at the moment. Your past sounds difficult and trying to deal with those feelings as well as her behaviour is not right. I would be expecting her to apologise. Try to find something relaxing to do that you enjoy to unwind. Nice long bath relaxing music, cuddle your lovely dog?xxx

Charliecatpaws · 30/03/2020 20:50

Why would you feel comfortable having sex with such a bully? She sounds like a right cow, sorry no words of wisdom from me, take care

VladTheDictator · 30/03/2020 20:56

You are in an abusive relationship. This person is disrespectful towards you and to do it with an audience shows that they thrive on looking like ‘top dog’. You do not deserve to be treated like this. Furthermore, you have been traumatised by a violent attack (all rape is violent) and need either space, support or both. At the moment you are receiving neither. You can do so much better, and that includes the option of being single. Get out now before this escalates. Flowers

Doobigetta · 30/03/2020 20:58

I’ve always said to people I live with that I won’t respond to being shouted from another room- if they want me they have to get off their arse and come and find me. It’s just so disrespectful to expect that someone will come running when summoned.
Only you know though whether this is standard behaviour from her or not handling the lockdown well. If the latter you could try establishing some ground rules and see if things improve.

Original poster
Ava678 · 30/03/2020 20:59

I really appreciate these replies Daffodil

I feel like I can't talk to my friends in real life because they have already told me to break up with her before, and I have ignored them. I shouldn't have moved in with her. Now I feel stuck. When things are good they are so good.

She isn't an abuser, and I am no angel either. Sometimes I really lose my temper too. I honestly don't know. I always end up blaming myself. She wouldnt have cancelled on her friends because she sees that as me having control over her and having an impact on her other relationships. And no way would I ask her because then she would say I am controlling ect..

I just feel like it was just a game, why couldnt she say she was running 15 mins behind schedule to them? Why couldn't we have sorted out and ended our conversation? She wanted me to open up about my bad feelings that I feel about sex, and when I was struggling, she was getting frustrated, but how can I ever open up when she then chooses a game over me.

She isnt a bad person. We are just so different. I am so sensitive and sometimes she is just so thoughtless.

I am going to have a bath. I just dont even want to deal with her. And great stuck working from home the rest of the foreseeable future.

My parents had a really abusive marriage, my dad always shouted at my mum. I am so sensitive to raised voices and shouting and her doing that has killed all my attraction and love right now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ava678 · 30/03/2020 21:01

Yes doobigetta, it was only yesterday or the day before that she called me from upstairs and I said to her that I wouldnt answer because I dont want to shout from different rooms!! So for her to react like that when I had already said recently that if she wants to talk to me just come to me is just even more infuriating

OP posts:
Original poster
Ava678 · 30/03/2020 21:02

What would be good ground rules?

OP posts:
Eunicnoah20 · 30/03/2020 21:05

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theotherfossilsister · 30/03/2020 21:08

Please please find a way out. This sounds very like coercive control, and the fact you're fighting about sex instead of working through your trauma together, is very distressing.

I am autistic and have had an abusive relationship with a housemate (I know it's not the same as a lover,) but because of my autism/low self esteem, I thought everything was my fault and took it until it reached a horrible horrible level.

Please leave and go where you can. Message me if you want to talk about low self esteem and coercive control. If anything I can do, I will.

Xx

caffeinefix · 30/03/2020 21:08

Reported PP.

OP - you can leave during lockdown. I would. You deserve better Thanks

theotherfossilsister · 30/03/2020 21:18

Sorry, I saw your update. I get that things are hard for her, and that sometimes it's tough being in a relationship with someone who has trauma, but on the flip side those with trauma have so much to give (Empathy, Sensitivity.) And it doesn't sound like she is handling your trauma well.

The anger in front of her friends sounds spiteful and designed to belittle, which is why I still think maybe it's an abusive dynamic. Also, frustrating as it was for her that weren't able to fully open up, she needs to respect that. To get angry with a rape survivor is not on.