Shouted at me in front of her friends

[Ava678]

My girlfriend and I (same sex couple) had an upsetting argument/disagreement over the weekend. About sex which is a sensitive topic for me (was raped 5 years ago and sometimes can freeze or freak out during sex) we tried to talk about our sex life and how to improve it tonight and I was getting upset and crying, and halfway through discussion she said she had plans to play online games with her friends at 6pm. I didnt say anythig, but I had been there crying about the situation and I just felt completely pushed to one side and that the conversation was now just over.

I went to walk the dog and then I came back, and she was upstairs still in the computer talking to her friends. And the dog was misbehaving, chewing my bag and pulling it around, barking and howling, and I was in the pantry trying to find him some toys/dog bone to get his focus, and she was shouting my name over and over from upstairs. I replied saying I'm sorting the dog out, but she didnt hear me.

She then shouts "answer me when I am calling you!!!" In a really horrible voice and in front of all her friends on her video chat. I felt really embarrassed that her friends heard her talking to me like that.

She comes downstairs and she is absolutely fuming with me for not answering her. I was like the dog was going crazy I was in the pantry and I was trying to sort him out. Please dont talk to me like that and she was like "oh whatever" and just sneered at me and went back upstairs playing her game.

I feel so horrible and disrespected. After her game has finished she comes downstairs and is like "eugh well I'm guessing you want me to stay upstairs and that you dont wanna talk" (and I know that now she is gonna use it against me that she was the bigger person wanting to talk and I was the one not cooperating) and I was just like yeah I think I need some space and she was like "fine"

I just feel like she should be apologising for shouting at me and belittling me in front of her friends.

Oh yeah, she also said her friends didn't hear her because she muted her microphone
Oh yeah, she was angry but managed to make sure her friends didn't hear her portrayed in a bad light. She managed to control her temper until she muted her microphone. She is definitely in control of her behaviour.

Assumptions about her behavior and response to shouting at you are making you upset.
Have no expectations about someone's behaviour, and that limits the resentment you feel.
COVID is making people mad - just accept she lost her rag and was rude.
Let the small things go.

If you have a bit of money I would consider relate counselling. My DH and I got into some terrible patterns early in our relationship. I could tell you some stories from then which would have made all of MN tell me to leave instantly. But with some hard work we were both able to learn a lot about ourselves and each other and it genuinely changed our lives. I dont know what else is going on between the two of you but if you think there is a relationship in there worth salvaging, commit to some counselling. As long as she is prepared to as well. We were at rock bottom when we tried it, and the counselling itself was really hard and we had a lot of patterns of behaviour to work on, but it worked for us in the longer term. Only you can say if you think this is worth a try.

I would say Relate just because I have met other counsellors who do relationship counselling and they had some spectacularly old fashioned ideas, so I feel like you know more what you're getting with relate. I'm sure they do ohone/Skype/whatever now.

To the poster talking about the premeditated muting of the microphone- no, its probably just a button on the side of the headset if it's a normal gaming headset, my DH taps his automatically to talk to me, so I can believe this. I'm normally just asking if he's fed the cat etc.!

OP, I feel compelled to warn you that @Imcneil003 is consistently misogynistic and in his / her posts. How he / she has survived a banning I don’t know.

There are no men involved here Sharon...

Having expectations about others behaviour breeds resentments.
Her gf was wrong. Very wrong. But OP needs to take the emotion out of it and think with clarity about next steps.

She says that she has never been like this in a relationship before. She says I drive her to it, and that I make her like that. She has said before that I am the one who needs to change and she doesn't see how she does. Every argument is two sided - we both need to work on ourselves!

It sounds so awful written down. She isn't a bad person or an abuser. I just think I bring out the worst in her. I make her like this :(

We have so much laughter and affection and love too. It isn't always like this! We just have no idea how to communicate about difficult topics and we have unhealthy patterns.

We did go to counselling before (not relate) we didn't really think much of the counsellor though, didnt click, so stopped going after maybe 5 times.

I believe she does love me. I am just wondering if love is enough. We just clash so much. If we didnt live together and weren't on lockdown I would be saying I want time apart to get my head sorted. How can I do that when it is impossible to move atm?

But why shouldn't I have the expectation that I am not to be shouted at?

She says I drive her to it, and that I make her like that. She has said before that I am the one who needs to change and she doesn't see how she does

Classic gaslighting.

Have you got a friend you can stay with until this CV is all over? .

I feel like I can't talk to my friends in real life because they have already told me to break up with her before, and I have ignored them.

OP if they are your friends they will listen to you and not be judgemental about it. If they get all "i told you so" they aren't really good friends.

It is possible to leave during the lockdown, but you need to make your arrangements and preparations very carefully.

I drive her to it said every abuser ever!

She won’t change. This relationship is toxic, please leave.

The relationship is toxic.

Love isn't enough.

Someone being a 7/10 wanker rather than a 10/10 wanker doesn't mean you should stay with them.

I had a laugh with my ex, we had a great sex life and could talk about anything. He also hit me and belittled me when we weren't having a laugh, sex or amazing chats.

I left eventually because I realised no amount of good times outweigh bad times that damage your confidence and make you feel anxious and on edge constantly.

This is going to sound harsh but I think you need tough love - this relationship is not working. It's not healthy. It's toxic.

You don't need ground rules - you can't change the way someone naturally is because it means you're both living a lie. You're naturally sensitive she is naturally thoughtless / not understanding of people being sensitive.

It isn't going to work and you're not taking control of your own life - you're begging her to change who she is (which by the sounds of it isn't particularly nice) and asking people to help you set rules for her to follow.

Take control, realise you are in charge of your life, take responsibility for the choices you make and break up with her.

I repeat - this relationship is not going to work and is toxic. Once it's toxic I don't believe you can come back from it.

Absolutely toxic....and its all your fault OP....she's a darling in every relationship before this.

She's a nasty abusive bitch.

You know it.
She knows it.

Your relationship with her is going NOWHERE.....

This is who she is.

You know that.

Reach out for support IRL...they know what she's like....the challenge is for you to accept the reality of your relationship and situation.

She's poisonous.

Love isn't present, let alone enough. You don't respect her position and she doesn't respect yours. You don't like each other's behaviour. You are both blaming the other for your own state of mind. You are both unhappy with the relationship. You both need to not be in this situation. Nobody is taking responsibility or ownership of that fact. Somebody will have to at some point because there'll be some much more obvious abuse (not that it isn't pretty clear already), or somebody will lose their temper and say something unforgivable.

Do you want it to get to the point of someone having a tantrum, or do you want to be a responsible adult and end it now?

She says I drive her to it, and that I make her like that. She has said before that I am the one who needs to change and she doesn't see how she does.

OP, no grown-up expects another person to take responsibility for their behaviour.

Your partner is NOT a grown-up; she is a child - and an abusive one at that.

"You make me do/feel that" is typical of someone who has yet to deal with their shit.

It's so much easier for her to make her problems yours.

That's why you're feeling so awful - you're carrying baggage that doesn't belong to you.

Give it back; take back your life; get out as soon as you can, and leave her to her games/gaming.

You don't respect her position

What should OP respect exactly @Eckhart? The gaslighting? The minimising? The deflecting?

I didn't advise OP to respect anything.

You really do need to rethink the entire thing. I hope you manage to untangle it.

She sounds really aggressive and not the sort of person you need in your life. I would never treat an assault survivor, especially my own partner, like this.

Get rid