Shouted at me in front of her friends

[Ava678]

My girlfriend and I (same sex couple) had an upsetting argument/disagreement over the weekend. About sex which is a sensitive topic for me (was raped 5 years ago and sometimes can freeze or freak out during sex) we tried to talk about our sex life and how to improve it tonight and I was getting upset and crying, and halfway through discussion she said she had plans to play online games with her friends at 6pm. I didnt say anythig, but I had been there crying about the situation and I just felt completely pushed to one side and that the conversation was now just over.

I went to walk the dog and then I came back, and she was upstairs still in the computer talking to her friends. And the dog was misbehaving, chewing my bag and pulling it around, barking and howling, and I was in the pantry trying to find him some toys/dog bone to get his focus, and she was shouting my name over and over from upstairs. I replied saying I'm sorting the dog out, but she didnt hear me.

She then shouts "answer me when I am calling you!!!" In a really horrible voice and in front of all her friends on her video chat. I felt really embarrassed that her friends heard her talking to me like that.

She comes downstairs and she is absolutely fuming with me for not answering her. I was like the dog was going crazy I was in the pantry and I was trying to sort him out. Please dont talk to me like that and she was like "oh whatever" and just sneered at me and went back upstairs playing her game.

I feel so horrible and disrespected. After her game has finished she comes downstairs and is like "eugh well I'm guessing you want me to stay upstairs and that you dont wanna talk" (and I know that now she is gonna use it against me that she was the bigger person wanting to talk and I was the one not cooperating) and I was just like yeah I think I need some space and she was like "fine"

I just feel like she should be apologising for shouting at me and belittling me in front of her friends.

I bet her friends are thinking how awful that she talks to you like that.

I know it's really hard, but think about leaving. Even if it were just so that you're not living together. Probably best to leave her completely, as your friends have said, but if that's a step too far, think about finding somewhere else to live at least.

OP, you should not feel embarrassed, she should feel embarrassed that she was abusive with her friends listening. She was the one who was out of order.

Definitely find somewhere else to live. Your relationship is not healthy.

Is it her house OP?
Do you have a safe place to go to if/when you leave?

She sounds like a right bitch, and the fact your friends are telling you to leave her speaks volumes. Listen to them! They obviously love and care about you!!!

Ava

Please get out, this relationship is doing you no good at all. xxx

I bet if you call to her that she doesn’t come running to you does she OP? She would expect you to come find her wouldn’t she?

It’s one rule for her and one for you. She’s picked up on your reluctance to have a ‘slanging match’ and is trying to dominate you.

Are you close to yo ur parents? Could you move out?

I wouldn't want her for a girlfriend to be honest.

You both sound quite young. Maybe leave when you can, take the time to work on yourself and get to a good place before looking for another relationship.

Your partner sounds toxic. Who does she think she is that she can shout your name and you'll come running?! And to be furious with you when you don't? She had made herself look bad here, not you, it's the equivalent of "showing off in front of your friends" that my mum used to say to me.
It sounds like she knows she's been horrid and tried to brush over it with her comment and what that implies - that she tried to make up and you were the one not wanting to. Truth is I wouldn't want to look at her right now. She's shown you in many different ways, in just a couple of hours, that she doesn't care about your feelings. It's up to you whether you can forgive her and move on or if you've noticed this is part of a pattern of concerning behaviour but she needs to know she's behaved appallingly. Do not apologise to her!

You are very concerned about what other people think, aren't you, OP? The only person who should be embarrassed by how she talks to you is herself. She showed herself up, not you.

And nobody would ever be in an abusive relationship if abusers were horrible all the time.

Are you still in contact with the friends that warned you about her before?
If not, re-establish contact, their support will be invaluable, and that is more important that not listening to earlier concerns that they voiced.
See if they are in a position to offer a listening ear, or hopefully practical support as well.

What would be good ground rules

Feeling the need to ask this question is the root of the problem. It's why you've ended up in a relationship with a partner who doesn't meet your needs.

You decide what the ground rules are. There is no set of external rules. Someone out there would find her behaviour acceptable (probably someone equally dismissive and rude) Someone would find your sensitivity beautiful. What is acceptable to you? Them's the rules. Your rules. If she doesn't like them, you need to tell her she doesn't meet your needs. If she's not willing to step up, make way for someone else. You're in charge of your life; not her.

She isnt a bad person. We are just so different. I am so sensitive and sometimes she is just so thoughtless.

so where go you go from this ?

I'm sorry to say that it sounds like you need to go your own ways. You don't sound a good fit and tbh it sounds like it's verging on abusive.

She isn't right for you, to say the least. You deserve respect and consideration, someone with a more similar personality and sensitivity to your own. She sounds quite harsh in her manner and how she's treating you. Do you usually go for quite domineering types? It might be worth some therapy, particularly as you've said your parents had an abusive marriage. As well as strengthening you from the inside out, it could help you with future choices, so you find someone who really suits you instead of someone who fits that familiar - but abusive - pattern.

She doesn't sound very nice at all. If you are not happy you do not need to stay.

Plan your exit, you can't make this work. I had a similar dynamic in a past relationship - what a weight off when I ended it! It's not an ideal time but do think about whether anyone would take you in temporarily. If you get any opportunity, just go.

Also in the afternoon yesterday whilst I was at work, I texted her a really nice text how I was sorry for the argument and I am sorry if I didn't listen to her feelings and create a safe space for her to talk, and please could we have another opportunity to talk things through. She said yes and thank you.

But she finished work at 5.30 and arranged to play her game at 6pm, so even though she knew we had planned to talk? Did she think 30 mins was sufficient enough?

We didnt speak after my bath. I went into the bedroom and she was watching TV in there, I told her I was going to sleep now so would she mind watching TV downstairs. She didnt say anything. She turned it off and got into bed, leaving her bedside lamp on and on her phone and making really loud sighing noises every few minutes or so. She eventually turned the light off and went to sleep.

I had such a bad nights sleep. I feel so horrible. I feel foolish. Things weren't great before we moved in, but I still chose to go ahead because the good times are SO good and I had hope that we could improve our communication problems.

I just feel so repelled by her right now.

I can't stay with family - my parents are still together and there is no way I could live with my dad who has always been very abusive.

I an 29 and she is 34, so not young. Although we bloody act like it. I just feel like I bring the worst out in her. I am not happy. I want her to realise how unhappy I am. I told her the last few times this happened that I cant take much more and it will be over if this carries on. That each time these arguments happen it is just killing what we have. I begged her to try and work with me and change the way she acts sometimes. (I also need to change too, I have a lot of trauma and by no means am I easy to be with!)

I have broken up with her before but I end up missing her so much that the pain of being apart seems worse than these arguments. But I dont want this for my life. I want to feel respected and valued and like a priority. I dont want these stupid arguments and power play and games. :(

I need physical and mental space, but I have nowhere to go.

Update -

She woke up this morning and first thing she said is that she thinks the contraceptive pill she was put on a month ago (for heavy periods) is giving her mood swings. She said she felt so angry at me yesterday and she doesn't really know why, and when she tries to think why, she can't.

I said to her how upset and hurt I felt and that she was out of order and I don't want to be shouted at like that or treated like that, and how her playing her game made me feel like I wasn't important and was just pushed to one side.

She said she was sorry and that she was out of order, but she just felt so angry that I wasn't answering and thought I was being stubborn... she said she didnt want to cancel the game because she has cancelled before because of things going on with us. (I am unaware of when these were)

She kept asking me to forgive her and was crying and I said I do appreciate the apology, but I still feel really upset and I can't just go back to normal, because I feel like it would happen again. I said I need to see change in her behaviour.

She said well I forgive you when you have had an "outburst". She said she was so angry at me for not opening up during our conversation that she didnt see the point of it carrying on yesterday. She said it put a barrier between us.

I feel like you can't get angry at someone for not feeling ready to open up about a difficult subject? I understand it is frustrating or disappointing for her, but the more she pressures me, the more I clam up!

I want to move past it and feel okay again, but she really hurt me, and I think the reason I can't just forgive and "get over it" is because I know this isn't a one time thing. This will happen again :( she will lose her temper again :( I just make her angry

I don't know why you're embarrassed, she is the one who has embarrassed herself in front of her friends for talking to another human being like that.

Oh yeah, she also said her friends didn't hear her because she muted her microphone

She is minimising and deflecting, classic abuser tactics.

I would leave. My ex-h used to the 'do I as I say, not as I do' thing. It's soul destroying.

Leave her, OP, and block her on everything, social media, phone, email - everything. I guarantee that you will get over in time.

I would leave her. Even if her mood swings are period-related, do you want to put up with this every month for years?

It is an abusive relationship. The only way to not be treated like this is to leave the relationship as you cannot change someone else's character.