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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Help! I don't know what to do!

52 replies

leahdanielle · 30/03/2020 16:34

Hello,

So, I'm actually not a parent or an expecting parent (sorry) I just thought this would be the best place to get advice. I'll give some backstory.

I'm 20 years old and I moved in with my friend, also 20 and her daughter due to my friend struggling to find a place to live alone as she couldn't afford it. She is on Universal Credit and gets Child Benefits. Her daughter is 16 months old.

I'm coming home from work to the house untidy, the living room curtains shut at 3pm with my friend laying on the sofa watching movies. The babies dad has her on weekends, so I'm trying to subtly hint that a part time job at the weekend would be a good idea for my friend to look into, in a supermarket or something as they need alot of staff at the moment and she has experience in this area. I see my friend and the baby all day everyday and I also work a hectic job in the NHS, and I need abit of a break from them both from time to time (I can't see my family or boyfriend due to the Coronavirus). She doesn't leave the house at all, she doesn't take the baby for fresh air - not even on the garden. I've suggested walks around the park (with the rain cover over the pram to avoid contact with the Coronavirus) but I'm getting nowhere and it's causing alot of stress on me.

The baby is 16 months old.

Am I in my right to ask her to look into a part time job? Is it the right time to go back to work after 16 months after a baby? I'm not a parent myself so I'm unsure. I'm reaching a breaking point with coming home from long days at work to the house untidy and her having done nothing around the house.

Thank you!

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 30/03/2020 16:41

You need to find a place of your own. Has your friend declared that she has a tennant for her UC? I'm afraid she's using you.

Aliceinunderland · 30/03/2020 16:47

I assume she wasn't working part time when you made the decision to move in with her? I understand the reality of the situation may be difficult for you but she's not doing anything wrong really. Can you stay elsewhere for the time being as you're working for the NHS?

ComtesseDeSpair · 30/03/2020 16:47

You can’t tell her to find a job, no. If she’s paying her agreed share of the rent then you can’t dictate how she pays it. Of course you could open up a friendly conversation about whether a part-time job would improve her mood, broaden her horizons and get her out of the house, but you need to pitch that as concern for her wellbeing and wanting something better for her.

The house arrangements are another matter and you need to tell her to start pulling her weight with cleaning and tidying and set up a schedule for you to share, and make it clear that if she doesn’t stick to her jobs you’ll have to think about moving out because you don’t want to live in a tip.

LouiseTrees · 30/03/2020 16:48

Most people go back somewhere between 6 and 12 months after having a baby. She sounds like she has PND, not even going to garden, lazing about, darkened room etc. Tread carefully, perhaps bringing up in the future you might move out with a boyfriend but you are worried about how she’d cope then and she what she says and if it doesn’t include chat about a job then ask would she not be better taking on a job. She needs to understand that she should get a job and if she did less than 16 hours just now it shouldn’t affect benefits but ramped up when she does then need more money.

ComtesseDeSpair · 30/03/2020 16:48

If she isn’t even leaving the house to get fresh air (and this isn’t due to Coronavirus fears) then it sounds like she’s depressed and unmotivated.

Original poster
leahdanielle · 30/03/2020 16:50

She worked 8 hours in a local shop when we decided to move in together however she quit and said she would find a different job, however hasn't done that as of yet. Because of the Coronavirus, no. All I can do is go to work and go home.

OP posts:
Original poster
leahdanielle · 30/03/2020 16:53

I've subtly tried to hint at a part time job not due to rent payments or anything - more for just abit of a break for the both of us. We're together constantly at the moment and she's telling me she's bored everyday. Money wise we're fine. It's more of a break away from the house and eachother

OP posts:
WeakAndWeary · 30/03/2020 18:19

How do you manage to see your friend and her baby all day every day whilst simultaneously working hectically for the NHS?

Original poster
leahdanielle · 30/03/2020 18:38

@WeakAndWeary

I work either 7am-3pm 130pm-930pm or 9pm-730am. I meant hectically as in my contracted hours are 37.5hrs however I'm working 50hrs a week, so yes, hectic. All day, maybe abit exaggerated, but everyday yes.

The problem isn't the money or the baby or anything like that. The problem is me coming home to the house being a tip and then being asked why I'm in a mood when I'm cleaning her childs mess off the floor or picking her mucky washing up or washing her dinner plates. We have a 6 month lease, I can't move out for another 4 months. That's why I didn't know if I could try mention a job so I could have a weekend of being by myself for a while to have my own space as we can't really do anything outside of the house with the virus

OP posts:
OmgThereAreNoPlanesAboveMeNow · 30/03/2020 18:44

If she doesn't have a depression then she simply knows you will clean it. Don't. Just go into your room if you can.
I get you. Coming home to mess when you need to relax can be stressful on top of everything.

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 30/03/2020 18:47

Sounds like hell. Do you have your own room? You shouldn't have to, but what extent can you create a private bed sitting room - and point out that you're doing it because she is not making any effort to clean/tidy up after herself and her child.
Next time she whinges she is bored, suggest she cleans up her pigsty.

Original poster
leahdanielle · 30/03/2020 18:49

@OmgThereAreNoPlanesAboveMeNow

She's never mentioned it or showed any symptoms. I know my mum suffered badly with PND after having me and she struggled to tell my dad. I work in Mental Health (Male mental health though so very different) but I have an idea of the symptoms. Before the virus she was out most weekends with friends and she's always laughing, such a relaxed person.

It's just hard, I don't want to upset her or anger her and I know alot of people on here will support the mother and baby and I get that, I 100% understand that. It's just difficult being the one that feels trapped in a way

OP posts:
GrumpyHoonMain · 30/03/2020 18:50

Don’t clean her mess. If I were you I would gather all of it (including the wipes with the daughter’s food on it) and put it outside her door. I agree with pp in that she is using you as a cleaner: that’s the problem really not whether she has a job or not

Original poster
leahdanielle · 30/03/2020 18:53

@EveryDayIsADuvetDay

Yeah, I've done my best to make my room a really comfortable little space! The best I can with a rental!

OP posts:
SubjectMatterExpert · 30/03/2020 18:55

You can’t tell her to get a job, so you can have the house to yourself. That’s ridiculous. Where would the baby go whilst she works?? If she is paying her bills it’s none of your business

But you can ask her to do her fair share of cleaning

OmgThereAreNoPlanesAboveMeNow · 30/03/2020 18:56

It sucks, but yeah. Your room as a refuge from that. As pp said, you shouldn't have to though.

It's just few months to go. It will fly by so keep an eye on some rentals around and don't sign new one with her

Original poster
leahdanielle · 30/03/2020 18:56

@GrumpyHoonMain

My mum keeps telling me to do the same thing

OP posts:
Original poster
leahdanielle · 30/03/2020 18:57

@SubjectMatterExpert

The babies dad has her Friday 12pm until Monday 10am :)

It's more to get my friend out of the house & for us both to have breathing space

OP posts:
BigChocFrenzy · 30/03/2020 19:01

You can demand she does her share of cleaning and clears up any mess from her child

but not that she leaves the house, whether to get a job or any other reason
She is entitled to stay there 24/7 if she wants

Yep, as soon as lockdown is over, look at some other places to rent
You are not compatible

SubjectMatterExpert · 30/03/2020 19:02

If she wants a job she will get one. It’s up to her how she wants to spend the small amount of free time that she has

DotForShort · 30/03/2020 19:02

Of course you can't tell her to get a job nor should you even "subtly hint" about it IMO. It's none of your business whatsoever how she spends her time.

You would be within your rights to have a serious conversation about sharing the housework, though. You certainly shouldn't have to clean up after her. She shouldn't have to clean up after you either, naturally.

whiplashy · 30/03/2020 19:04

no you can’t expect her to get a job to get some space from her, that’s what your room is for. all you can expect is that she pays her share of rent and does her share of housework

Poppi89 · 30/03/2020 19:07

I agree with the people saying she could have some depression. A little job would be harder for her to get but would help with her depression so much! I would definitely encourage her to get a small job even if it's just a couple of hours to begin with. You could say that you don't think its healthy for her to be cooped up all day and that you are struggling with cleaning and working etc. However due to the virus she may not want to get a job right now but you could still talk about helping to clean and cook more.

Original poster
leahdanielle · 30/03/2020 19:07

@DotForShort

I'm not suggesting it is my business how she spends her time. It becomes my business when my house is a mess because of how she is spending her time.

She has brought up the idea of a job before we moved in & right now she's wanting to be a surrogate. I've told her I'll 100% support her through that, but not whilst we live together as currently I feel it's bad enough whilst she isn't pregnant and I don't think I could personally cope if she was pregnant. Just my personal opinion. 100% supportive of her doing that if she lived alone/with others though

OP posts:
Original poster
leahdanielle · 30/03/2020 19:08

@whiplashy

Alot of my friends I have spoken to have said that, to stay in my room. I have mental health illnesses myself and being confined to my room for days drives me up the wall. That would be the worst for me personally!

OP posts:
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