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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Help! I don't know what to do!

52 replies

leahdanielle · 30/03/2020 16:34

Hello,

So, I'm actually not a parent or an expecting parent (sorry) I just thought this would be the best place to get advice. I'll give some backstory.

I'm 20 years old and I moved in with my friend, also 20 and her daughter due to my friend struggling to find a place to live alone as she couldn't afford it. She is on Universal Credit and gets Child Benefits. Her daughter is 16 months old.

I'm coming home from work to the house untidy, the living room curtains shut at 3pm with my friend laying on the sofa watching movies. The babies dad has her on weekends, so I'm trying to subtly hint that a part time job at the weekend would be a good idea for my friend to look into, in a supermarket or something as they need alot of staff at the moment and she has experience in this area. I see my friend and the baby all day everyday and I also work a hectic job in the NHS, and I need abit of a break from them both from time to time (I can't see my family or boyfriend due to the Coronavirus). She doesn't leave the house at all, she doesn't take the baby for fresh air - not even on the garden. I've suggested walks around the park (with the rain cover over the pram to avoid contact with the Coronavirus) but I'm getting nowhere and it's causing alot of stress on me.

The baby is 16 months old.

Am I in my right to ask her to look into a part time job? Is it the right time to go back to work after 16 months after a baby? I'm not a parent myself so I'm unsure. I'm reaching a breaking point with coming home from long days at work to the house untidy and her having done nothing around the house.

Thank you!

OP posts:
user1480880826 · 30/03/2020 19:10

She sounds depressed. It’s not normal to stay inside all day long. It’s also not good for her baby. A 16 month old needs stimulation. Not sitting at home in a dark room with the TV on all day long.

She needs to speak to her GP (probably easier said than done right now).

OmgThereAreNoPlanesAboveMeNow · 30/03/2020 19:11

right now she's wanting to be a surrogate

Run

DotForShort · 30/03/2020 19:11

Nope, it's still none of your business how she spends her time. She could lie on the sofa and eat bonbons every day for eight hours and it would still be none of your business.

As I wrote before, she absolutely must clean up after herself and her child, though. That should be non-negotiable. She's an adult, it's time for her to act like one.

Original poster
leahdanielle · 30/03/2020 19:12

@Poppi89

I suffer with mental illnesses, have done since I was 14 and my job is my saviour, don't know what I'd do without it!

Before she fell pregnant she worked full time as an apprentice and loved it, in retail, and I've suggested that when she's ready that maybe applying for a part time retail work would be good for her but this was months ago.

Things wouldn't be as hard if the house wasn't such a tip when I came home from work. Even if it started small, such as the pots were done and the bins were empty. And then do baby steps and progress into hoovering the house and bleaching the bath or something. It's just the same day in day out. It's difficult

OP posts:
canigooutyet · 30/03/2020 19:14

You can have space from her. You can go to your room. You can go for a walk etc. She might be going out when you're at work. And tbh where do you expect her to go?

Don't clean up the mess. I would stop doing stuff if someone came along and did it for me. The mess is just from the day right? It takes 10 minutes, and when you're home all day, jobs start to get spread out during the day to stop you getting bored.

As for a job, regardless of if she should be or not, now really isn't the time to try and nudge parents into work.

Original poster
leahdanielle · 30/03/2020 19:15

@DotForShort

I respect your opinion, but I personally think different. Sure, she can spend her time how she wants. But she is watching movies on my television I fetched from my previous house on my Xbox I fetched from my previous house. I'm not petty enough to move them to my room, but they're not shared items, I spent my wages on them

OP posts:
Poppi89 · 30/03/2020 19:17

Yes for me working has definitely helped my mental health too!
Could you maybe sort out a cleaning rota for now?
If you can I would be putting some money away ready for when you can move out and have your own space.

Darbs76 · 30/03/2020 19:19

You need to have an honest chat with her. Saying that you’re busy working and don’t want to come home to a mess you have to clean. You’ve got 4 more months of this. Hints haven’t worked. Ask her to pull her weight. It’s not fair to you

DotForShort · 30/03/2020 19:20

What? How on earth does it affect you if she watches your TV when you're at work? That makes no sense at all.

Just talk to her, make a rota of housework you are responsible for (each of you cleans up after yourself, you take turns cleaning the common areas, etc.). It's quite straightforward.

Elieza · 30/03/2020 19:23

Does she pay any rent?
How does she manage financially? Does the father give her a lot of money?
Is she happy for you to sit in the garden with the baby or is she scared dc will be infected and doesn’t want anyone taking dc out at all? Does the father take the baby out?

Perhaps now would be a good time to tell her (nicely not angrily) you’re knackered these days and she has to keep the communal rooms tidy as you can’t be doing with coming back to a mess. If she can’t then you will be reconsidering renewal of the lease with her and will go do your own thing. See how she reacts. If no change the following day dump her mess outside her bedroom door. See what happens next!

I can see how she might be tired come the weekend. Amusing a toddler is a full time job so I can see how she’s want a break plus just now it’s better to stay at home if you can to take the pressure off the nhs. So now isnt perhaps the best time to get a job.

Luc1nda · 30/03/2020 19:29

Have you actually talked to her about expectations around housework? When you're both calm, that is?

miccymaccy · 30/03/2020 19:30

Make a rota. If she can't stick to it, don't clear up after her. Point out how messy she is. Chalk it up to experience and move on at 6 months. Her parenting skills sound a bit shit tbh - do you know her mum or sister it anyone who can give her a nudge? We all have shit parenting days but sounds like this is continuous? If you have any serious concerns then speak to your local health visitors (call your GP)

Luc1nda · 30/03/2020 19:32

Also, I find it hard to believe that someone would move in with a housemate at such a different stage of life, for no other reason than that friend needed a housemate. That's quite a high People Pleaser process going on.

Original poster
leahdanielle · 30/03/2020 19:37

@Elieza

We pay half rent, half bills and I pay food. The father gives her £100 monthly towards the baby.

She's not mentioned she's concerned over her catching the virus. She has taken her out twice in the past 2 weeks to the local shop. The babies dad does take the baby out, as far as I know with the rain cover over the pram as does the mother. However the baby doesn't get much fresh air, she doesn't take her out often. I have mentioned this to her nicely and just curiously, I asked why she didn't and she said there wasn't anything to do so I just dropped it. I asked if I could on my days off and she said there was nothing to do with her.

Maybe not a job as of yet, but atleast a walk a day around the park or local area with her daughter for some fresh air for the baby atleast.

OP posts:
Original poster
leahdanielle · 30/03/2020 19:39

@Luc1ndauc1

Not people pleasing at all. She's been my friend since we were 4 and she was struggling financially. She was stuck in another city so we spoke for months of moving in together. There was no people pleasing. It was a decision we made together that dragged on for 5 months.

I was raised to help people. I wasn't going to leave my friend struggling with a baby

OP posts:
isadoradancing123 · 30/03/2020 19:50

She sounds bone idle as opposed to depressed

canigooutyet · 30/03/2020 20:04

She is right though. There is nothing to do.
Parents are getting a hard time for shopping atm.

canigooutyet · 30/03/2020 20:05

If you didn’t want to share the tv etc, you should have put these in your room when you moved in.

Original poster
leahdanielle · 30/03/2020 20:17

@canigooutyet

I've been doing the shopping which I'm glad about because I'm quite fussy, but abit of fresh air to the park or round the local area will do her and the baby good. & I'm completely fine with sharing. What I'm not fine with is coming home to the bloody thing switched on 24/7 with the baby plonked infront of it and mess all over. It gets you down after a while.

I'm going to listen to the suggestions and fill out a cleaning rota with her tomorrow

OP posts:
Poppi89 · 30/03/2020 20:17

I wouldn't say the OP is a 'people pleaser' just because she helped out her best friend who's a single parent and struggling to pay the bills!

dontdisturbmenow · 30/03/2020 20:30

You might be friends but you're not compatible flatmates. You will need to look for another place when it becomes possible after the 6 months is up.

In the meantime, stop being a doormate. Tell her you have enough of living in a pig sty and she needs to make an effort to clean and tidy more and she has no excuses not to do so. Agree a rota of things you can both do and tell her to get off the sofa and get moving.

Luc1nda · 30/03/2020 21:37

There was no people pleasing.

So what needs of yours does this arrangement meet?

Original poster
leahdanielle · 30/03/2020 22:47

@Luc1nda

Moving out of a not so good home for one!

This wasn't about me being a people pleaser. This isn't about negativity and calling me a "people pleaser" for helping my best friend. I don't know about you, but I wouldn't leave my loved ones struggling. This was about asking for advice on my situation. If you don't have advice and are just here to bring negativity, please leave. There is too much negativity in the world. Have a good day/night X

OP posts:
Macncheeseballs · 30/03/2020 23:19

Just open the curtains when you get in and say do you mind a bit of day light in here. Watching tv in the dark in the middle of the day would really annoy me

alexdgr8 · 30/03/2020 23:45

she sound like a slob.
she doesn't care about the state of the place, or how it affects you.
she probably wants to be a surrogate because it gets her out of working for a while, more lounging about, and then not even the bother of care of the child once delivered.
if she is sturdy and didn't have too bad a time in pregnancy, it may seem an attractive career to her.
you are a different type.
how about when you come in, open the drapes, turn off the tv, and say no more tv until this place is tidied up. come on, i've been working hard all day, in an essential role, you need to pull your weight too.
if she behaves like a lazy kid, then maybe that is how you need to treat her.