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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To go and stay with my mum with newborn and toddler

56 replies

OneJumpAhead · 29/03/2020 19:49

I have a 2 week old baby and a just turned 2 year old. Like most toddlers, 2 year old is very lively and, like most newborns, the baby feeds constantly and generally needs a lot of attention. I’m also recovering from a c section. We are managing well with two parents at home but as of next week my husband returns to his job as an NHS doctor and will be out of the house in excess of 50 hours a week (and possibly more as virus progresses). In normal circumstances I would manage this with lots of trips out of the house, nursery 3 shorter days a week for toddler, toddler groups, visitors and, most importantly, my mum who lives nearby, still works part time but is around A LOT and has a fantastic bond with our 2 year old. I am considering packing us all up and going to stay with mum (late 50s) and dad (early 60s). Would mean all four of us in one room and not having all of our things but I’m so worried about managing two children so small on my own with all the restrictions and how desperately lonely and exhausted I will be of it goes on past 6th April. Mum will still be working from home 3 days a week but only 9-4. Would also mean extending the risk of exposure to my parents from Husband having contact with confirmed cases. I’m so torn and would love some (friendly) advice please.

OP posts:
FlapAttack23 · 29/03/2020 19:51

No that’s a terrible idea of course . You could maybe go alone with your two kids and not see husband for an extended period of many many weeks but to go and expose them to your key worker husband would be foolish and reckless . If they catch it and die you won’t forgive yourself for a start. You’ll be fine. I am a single mum of 2 young children and you just get on with it

FlapAttack23 · 29/03/2020 19:54

And by single I mean totally sole
Parent. ExDH lives overseas. You’ll adapt just fine honestly .. must be daunting but you’ll find a new normal before long.

Loads of great ideas on fb groups about keeping them entertained .

Get a tuff tray and some ball pit balls and a slide and a bubble machine. That’s all you need

MotherofTerriers · 29/03/2020 19:54

Why not try to manage at home and see how it goes? You may cope better than you think. If you want to go to your parents I don't think your husband can go as well, its too big a risk for them.

RandomMess · 29/03/2020 19:56

The safest option would be for you and the DC to stay with your parents and your DH to live alone.

Worriedmum54321 · 29/03/2020 19:57

I would but not take husband. If you are going to take your husband, what's the point of moving in? You might as well just let your mum visit you, it won't make any difference contact wise (assuming no public transport needed)

DontTouchTheMoustache · 29/03/2020 19:58

I understand how hard you will find it but i agree that if you go you shouldnt continue contact with your DH as the risk is too high

BuffaloCauliflower · 29/03/2020 19:58

You could go with the kids but it wouldn’t be sensible for your husband to go too.

OliviaPopeRules · 29/03/2020 19:58

You could go with the kids but very unreasonable to have your husband staying there.

saraclara · 29/03/2020 19:59

No way should your husband be living with them. Sorry.

Rainer · 29/03/2020 20:00

Your husband would be wise to isolate alone, tbh.

CodenameVillanelle · 29/03/2020 20:00

You want your NHS doctor husband to live with your parents one of whom is in their 60s?

Sorry, I know it must be fucking hard but you can't do that. You and the children could go, if you are willing to take the risk with your parents (!) but your husband can't.

Theresnobslikeshowb · 29/03/2020 20:01

Bad idea for your husband to go!!

OhClover · 29/03/2020 20:03

I sympathise as I will be in this exact position come June - in fact I could have written it! How is your recovery going? Are you physically able to safely care for your two year old? I know people with sections (and vaginal births actually) who could hardly walk 2 weeks post partum. If you are in this boat, you have no choice really but to go to your parents for a couple of weeks until you are able to do so, ideally leaving your husband behind (although there is still a risk you are already incubating it).

Otherwise I agree to give it a go and see how you get on. I’m sorry you are in this situation, it’s a tough time to be having a baby Flowers

OneJumpAhead · 29/03/2020 20:05

@FlapAttack23 I take my hat off to you and thanks for the advice. Looks like I will have to get creative!

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Abagisforlifenotjustfor · 29/03/2020 20:05

Agree with pps. You and the boys should go. Your husband should self isolate at home when he isn't working. It is the only way this is workable.

OneJumpAhead · 29/03/2020 20:08

@OhClover I’m recovering well but wouldn’t be able to manage toddler right now as I can’t lift him and wound not fully healed. Will have to reassess in a couple of days.

It’s an odd time to have a baby and missing a lot of the joy of sharing newborn with friends and family as we are very social people usually. Lots of good wishes to you for June.

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pollypot123 · 29/03/2020 20:09

Congrats on the new baby, hope you’re recovering well from the c section. IMO I think once your husband is back at work, you’ll have to forgo contact with your parents. If your husband is going to be working flat out (and thank you of course to him from everyone for that) then perhaps pack up and go to them, since you might not see much of him anyway. And if the absence from your husband gets to much then move back? Then your parents don’t have the exposure to a hospital worker. I’m sure you’ll cope better than you think, and your toddler will love the opportunity to spend so much time with you and new baby. My parents live abroad, I haven’t seen them since Christmas and who knows when we’ll see them next - we are making do with lots of FaceTime, and sending video messages from my son for the time being.

blackberrysoup · 29/03/2020 20:10

It will be much harder if you go to your parents when you don't have all your things there. I'd stay at home if it was me rather than have the inconvenience of being away from home and confusing your toddler with the upheaval when his life is already turned upside down.

Mittens030869 · 29/03/2020 20:12

I agree with PPs. Your DH really shouldn't go to your parents, but you and your DC could. Your DH should self-isolate when he isn't working, he has to protect himself and others as a key worker.

OneJumpAhead · 29/03/2020 20:12

Some good advice here so thank you for taking the time to comment. Hoping we will manage better than we think and give it a go.

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Mittens030869 · 29/03/2020 20:14

Okay, I see you're staying. I'm sure you'll do fine. I can't see my DM as I'm self-isolating due to being very unwell and my DM is 80. We chat on WhatsApp and that can work really well.

crustycrab · 29/03/2020 20:15

If you are considering going to your parents then all of you including DH should be self isolating first for 14 days.

So it's hard, it's hard for everyone but I would never ever risk my parents lives by bringing DH in and out of their home just to take the burden off me

user1493413286 · 29/03/2020 20:20

I’m in a very similar situation and a week ago when my baby was 3 weeks old before these restrictions I thought about doing similar but I decided that if I did then I’d have to not see DH as I couldn’t put my parents at risk when they are taking care to stay in as much as possible. In the end I decided not to as I wanted to see DH and knew this could go on a long time; it’s been tough but we’ve survived; I focus on making sure everyone is fed, clean and safe and anything more than that is a bonus.

Bythebeach · 29/03/2020 20:23

Quite frankly I’d move in with your parents without DH-it’s the lesser of two evils, gives you most support and minimises risk to newborn and your parents. A bit crap for you and your DH but survivable. Don’t take your DH!

Quartz2208 · 29/03/2020 20:23

Given the circumstances the sensible thing is for you to go to your parents and leave your husband behind - a pattern that many people with doctor spouses are doing to help protect the children