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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband and I not spoken all day.. AIBU

85 replies

Lonelylockdown33 · 28/03/2020 19:03

This morning my husband and I had the most stupid argument but im refusing to say sorry as I don’t feel I’m in the wrong, but please tell me otherwise if you think I am to blame.

Any recycling we have I leave in the utility room and will take it outside whenever we go out. (We use the garage door to leave/enter the house via the utility room). He totally flipped out about how I’m being lazy for not putting the recycling in the garage and I’m making it more difficult for myself by leaving it in the utility. He complains when he needs to use the sink in the utility that he can’t (he never uses it, and the recycling is left next to the sink). I told him it really doesn’t make any difference and he just got angrier.

I called him a control freak (he is massively OCD and will ask/tell me to clean things certain ways) and he started shouting saying to me how I go running to my mum and dad and slag him off and he bets I tell all my friends about him, I actually don’t as I’m too embarrased.

Should I just back down and take everything into the bloody garage from now on to stop him complaining or is there nothing wrong with what I’m doing?

OP posts:
NagaisAce · 28/03/2020 20:12

@donquixotedelamancha 😀😀😀

Original poster
Lonelylockdown33 · 28/03/2020 20:17

Can I please just add I’m not untidy, at all. I keep the house clean at all times.

The only recycling I leave is empty cardboard boxes (from biscuits or freezer food) or empty bottles like milk or juice. That’s all that gets left.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 28/03/2020 20:19

If it bothers him he can move it. Sorry but when you are in the middle of doing stuff it is hassle to take stuff to effectively outside bins!

They aren't in everyday sight and they aren't in the way.

Also if the way you clean isn't acceptable let him get on with that too 🙄

ShellieEllie · 28/03/2020 20:21

Why not have a seperate bin in the house for recycling?

sadie9 · 28/03/2020 20:22

I presume you don't have children or that they weren't in earshot of you both slagging each other off.
It's not that nice to call someone 'a control freak'. His response was an over reaction. It's not really about the recycling though is it? If you are behaving like you always behave, then draw his attention to that...without calling him names. I wonder is this 'control freak' something you often say to him. If my DH called me 'a control freak' I'd be pretty upset I can tell you...

TheRealHousewife · 28/03/2020 20:26

@Lonelylockdown33 Do you want to be happy or right?

Principles thwart good will & harmony, especially during these unprecedented times.

One of you might not be here to fall out with this time next week ....

Wewearpinkonwednesdays · 28/03/2020 20:26

Sadie9, I think a lot of children will have and are going to hear a lot worse than control freak 😂

user1471442488 · 28/03/2020 20:32

Ffs he can’t “be” OCD anymore than he can be depression or any other illness. Pisses me right off when people apply this label to people who are a bit fussier about cleanliness than them.

Neverender · 28/03/2020 20:33

Ok, I take it back - maybe he's just a nasty controlling knobhead?!

Whatwedontknow · 28/03/2020 20:33

You would say he is OCD but you don’t know, but you do know he has been like this since your first holiday together, so he hasn’t changed, he showed you who he was.

OCD is often trotted out as an insult or as a derogatory trait, or to justify controlling behaviour or even to brag about how you like a clean house It’s very insulting to people who genuinely suffer from OCD.

All are nerves are being tested right now, our behaviours may be magnified or escalate. You’re embarrassed by him, do you love him?

Whatwedontknow · 28/03/2020 20:35

Also if someone genuinely has OCD where germs are concerned then you could could understand why they might be OTT right now, even for stuff left out a short length of time.

Corona can live 24 hours on cardboard, apparently

TryingToBeBold · 28/03/2020 20:39

So.
Me and my DP used to be the same.
Recycling left in the kitchen until.. whoever went outside to the bin.
Whereas since I've been on mat leave.. I'm on top of it and try and put it in the bin immediately.
It's just easier and makes the kitchen more aesthetically pleasing.
DP would leave it until the end of the day if he could. I dont lose my shit but I do ask him to take it out. Its normally met with "what now...?".. but it's easier to just do it.

Shoxfordian · 28/03/2020 20:39

Why were you folding his shirts on your first holiday? Surely he can do that himself.

Also why stay with someone so critical if it's been clear what he's like for a while?

Original poster
Lonelylockdown33 · 28/03/2020 20:45

I’m not embarrased by him

I’m embarrased about the fact that I do all of the odd demands he asks for in regards to cleaning, literally on my hands and knees cleaning things. Things that don’t even need cleaned, but he asks me to do it. That’s what I don’t tell my friends/family about

OP posts:
SchadenfreudePersonified · 28/03/2020 20:52

@donquixotedelamancha

GrinGrinGrin

Who the hell do they think they are, bringing the voice os reason not this forum?

RandomMess · 28/03/2020 21:00

So why do you have to do this cleaning, why can't he do it instead?

justasking111 · 28/03/2020 21:02

"I’m embarrased about the fact that I do all of the odd demands he asks for in regards to cleaning, literally on my hands and knees cleaning things. Things that don’t even need cleaned, but he asks me to do it. That’s what I don’t tell my friends/family about"

That gives me the shivers, you appear to be in a sado maso. relationship, which is fine if it floats both your boats, otherwise, it is a sickness which he has and you are enabling.

If he accuses you of telling others, I would be telling him well up till now I have not, but I am now going to film your behaviour, put it to our family and friends for a vote.

monkeymonkey2010 · 28/03/2020 21:05

literally on my hands and knees cleaning things. Things that don’t even need cleaned, but he asks me to do it. That’s what I don’t tell my friends/family about
Wtf?!!!

Why isn't HE doing it to his standards?
He knows he's taking the piss out of you and doesn't want you telling people.

I'd stop doing it/do it my way....he's got a pair of hands and he can get on his own knees and clean it his way.
Stop enabling him.

RandomMess · 28/03/2020 21:11

My DH is far tidier than me, is cleaning standards are very low. I make the effort to be tidier for him, he has upped his game with cleaning but I am the one that does the more thorough kitchen and bathroom clean because it bothers me and not him.

If your DH wants the cleaning done his way he does it.

GenxfeellikeaBoomer · 28/03/2020 21:13

My xh was like that and my life was a nightmare.

Everything I did I did it wrong because it had to be done HIS way. He treated me like an incompetent employee. People approach the same thing quite differently sometimes and most people get that, but people like my X wouldn't have accepted that. There was the right way (his way) and my way was wrong. And my wrong way was not tolerated. It would make him so angry if I did it my way. If he was away and I did something 'my' way and he got back and found a clue, he'd still be annoyed!

Thank god that's history

HighNetGirth · 28/03/2020 21:14

What does he contribute to the cleaning?

GenxfeellikeaBoomer · 28/03/2020 21:15

@Lonelylockdown33 and what would happen if you said to him ''no, I'm not cleaning that, it's clean, if you want it cleaner, you do it''.

Would he be abusive? Would he sulk?

Just wondering how much control he has over you. You comply. Is that out of fear?

Rosebel · 28/03/2020 21:15

Why don't you just tell him to do the cleaning/recycling if it means so much to him?

Lilymossflower · 28/03/2020 21:18

This IS controlling behaviour.

Beyond the issue of the recycling bins, him shouting at you about how you must slag him off to your parents and friends is actually a red flag imo

If you change how you do the bins because of this, then it makes it easier for him to get you to change other things. And then other things

Your noticing it more now cause your spending more time together

Thesnacklady · 28/03/2020 21:30

Him asking you to keep the house tidy - not unreasonable so long as he is doing the same. Him dictating how you clean when you clean things really unreasonable.

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