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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband and I not spoken all day.. AIBU

85 replies

Lonelylockdown33 · 28/03/2020 19:03

This morning my husband and I had the most stupid argument but im refusing to say sorry as I don’t feel I’m in the wrong, but please tell me otherwise if you think I am to blame.

Any recycling we have I leave in the utility room and will take it outside whenever we go out. (We use the garage door to leave/enter the house via the utility room). He totally flipped out about how I’m being lazy for not putting the recycling in the garage and I’m making it more difficult for myself by leaving it in the utility. He complains when he needs to use the sink in the utility that he can’t (he never uses it, and the recycling is left next to the sink). I told him it really doesn’t make any difference and he just got angrier.

I called him a control freak (he is massively OCD and will ask/tell me to clean things certain ways) and he started shouting saying to me how I go running to my mum and dad and slag him off and he bets I tell all my friends about him, I actually don’t as I’m too embarrased.

Should I just back down and take everything into the bloody garage from now on to stop him complaining or is there nothing wrong with what I’m doing?

OP posts:
Duchessofblandings · 28/03/2020 19:41

You’re going to have a very, very long lockdown.

JackiFazaki · 28/03/2020 19:46

DonQuixoteGrin

OrangeSlices998 · 28/03/2020 19:49

If he cares so much he can move it, surely? Why is it your job to do things to his standard - he’s your partner not your boss.

MrsHusky · 28/03/2020 19:50

it seems petty, but little things like this will erode a marriage, especially with a controlling husband.. if you give into this, he will slowly but surely make your life a misery because you will be forced to live by the 'tidy' persons beliefs and ways.

This was actually an argument my Ex and I had.. to me it made more sense to leave it on the side by the back door while I was workin/doing stuff, and put it out in one go when I was done. HE felt I ought to be taking it out every single time, making 4/5/6 trips out the back door.. of course, by not doing it his way I was leaving it for him to do, lazy, dirty, worthless, useless...

As I was for not doing the laundry just so, or dusting just so, washing up every single plate, fork, knife as it was used...

Don't give into him. Its your house too, you have a right to run it and live in it as you see fit and he can fuck off.

HollowTalk · 28/03/2020 19:51

@donquixotedelamancha You've made me laugh out loud. So funny (and true.)

OP, it all depends on what your husband is like the rest of the time, really. If he's a huge sulker and over-reactor then YANBU. If he's not then try to forget about it.

MadinMarch · 28/03/2020 19:53

*he is massively OCD and will ask/tell me to clean things certain ways

This isn't OCD. This is controlling you. If he were OCD he'd feel compelled to do it himself.
Feeling "compelled" to order you about is a different problem.
I notice it doesn't bother him enough to get him off his arse to do it himself. Why would that be ?*

Having OCD must be sooo satisfying when you can just direct someone else to do all the cleaning. Shock

Frozenfan2019 · 28/03/2020 19:54

Sorry but it would piss me off if rubbish of any description was left lying around and I am not "OCD"

Just talk to him and say you don't want to go into the garage each and every time you have recycling but you understand he doesn't like it lying around so as a compromise could you maybe have a recycling bin?

BigFatLiar · 28/03/2020 19:56

I think we need to store a lot of these comments for the next time someone complains about their husband/partner not tidying/clearing etc. If they don't they're lazy slobs, if the wife is untidy and he asks her to be tidier then he's controlling.

Is he being unreasonable in simply asking you to put the rubbish in the bin and not leave it in the spare room.

lmcneil003 · 28/03/2020 19:56

Ask yourself if you'd rather be right or happy?
Trying to be right doesn't seem to be giving you peace of mind. Take care OP.

iheartislesofwight · 28/03/2020 19:56

ocd is regularly trotted out on herei doubt half of these 'cases' exsist irl

Thesnacklady · 28/03/2020 19:57

Could you come up with a compromise and set up a recycling bin in the utility room? Instead of leaving stuff on a counter.

That would drive me mad too.

mumwon · 28/03/2020 19:58

its a stressful time for everybody & from a long marriage I will give you a really good piece of advice - develop a bad memory for any arguments you have - don't let things fester & do you actually talk to your family about every argument you have? Don't
& don't let arguments fester - it wont help you or your marriage - everybody ahs arguments & bickers.
DD1 when she was in high school told me one of her friends said that her parents never argue - dd1 said it was quite funny because there was a group of half a dozen girls who just turned around & looked at the girl who said this :)

Weregoingonanadventure · 28/03/2020 19:58

The thing is though, beforehand you'd be going out everyday and take the recycling out but we're in lockdown so are you going out less? That would mean the recycling is just piling up. That would drive me mad.
How hard is it to put it into the recycling bin? Really; stacking rubbish up by the sink is annoying. And why should he pick up after you? If its rubbish that you created then you need to put it in the bin... not 10 feet from the blind beside a sink but in the bin.

If you dont want to go out every time then get a recycling bin for your kitchen

Bestoption · 28/03/2020 19:59

I could be either person in this row on a given day 🤣

Honestly, how hard would it be to put it straight in the recycling bin? In the current climate I’d go apeshit at someone not putting it straight in the outside recycling bin. If it really is a complete faff, then could he accept a box there that it all goes in?

But bottom line (for me) is that we are all in a very scary place right now & a day of not talking to your husband over a stupid row is a day wasted. Any of us could die from this (or anything else) would you really want to have wasted this day with him?

...OTOH if he’s ysualky a controlling insufferable git, then start making plans to go your separate ways when this is over.

Life is too fucking short.

FlapAttack23 · 28/03/2020 19:59

Bury him

DingleberryRose · 28/03/2020 20:01

Just pop it in a storage box next to your normal bin and take it out when it’s full!

BettyBooJustDoinTheDoo · 28/03/2020 20:04

Leaving recycling by the sink in the utility room would drive me mental, particularly if it’s proper place was a few steps away,

Devlesko · 28/03/2020 20:05

OP, you are going to have to stand up for yourself, answer him back, the control freak.
Tell him you're too embarrassed to mention his behaviour to family and friends.
If he tells you to clean in a certain way give him the cloth.
Otherwise you are going to want to kill him before the end of lockdown.
If you have children this is not a healthy atmosphere for them.
Remind him it's his OCD not yours, to cope with.

Winterlife · 28/03/2020 20:06

What do you "win" by being right?

I understand your position, but in the long run, is it more important to stand your ground on what is really a silly argument, or to be speaking?

Original poster
Lonelylockdown33 · 28/03/2020 20:07

The recycling is never left for long, we are in and out of the house a lot (obviously not just now, only once a day because of lockdown) but I take anything sitting in the utility out whenever I leave the house. So there’s never anything there for more than a couple of hours

I would say he is OCD, he needs certain things done a certain way. If I clean something he will come behind me and say it’s wrong and clean it “his way”. The first time I was alarmed was when we were on our first holiday and I folded his tshirt and he told me I done it wrong and was deadly serious.

He has been controlling in the past in regards to cleaning, I’ve actually posted about it on here before but I’ve name changed since.

So the incident today has just really rubbed me up the wrong way. There’s no difference whether it sits in the utility or the garage.. it will still be put out to the bin but his way is the “proper” way apparently

OP posts:
slipperywhensparticus · 28/03/2020 20:08

My ex mil has OCD she is compelled to clean repeatedly and clean things you wouldn't normally (rocks outside) she isnt compelled to tell other people what to clean and how to do it because it WOULDNT BE RIGHT even if they did it

iMoan7 · 28/03/2020 20:09

Gads my husband leaves recycling on the worktop by the back door and it drives me fucking ballistic so I kind of sympathise with him Blush

YangShanPo · 28/03/2020 20:10

I'd say yes dear, I'll bear that in mind then carry on doing things my way.

Paintedmaypole · 28/03/2020 20:11

This is trivial really but it is the sort of thing that can cause a lot of irritation when you are together all the time. I wish I had this problem, I would like my house to be tidy and I live with a very untidy person. If it is only slightly more trouble I wouldn't leave it there but if it was something more important I might not be as accommodating.

Heismyopendoor · 28/03/2020 20:11

That doesn’t sound like ocd to me. I actually have OCPD and things like this are very upsetting and overwhelming for me.

YABU for not taking the rubbish to your usual place, especially if you know it upsets him like that.

He was wrong for getting angry with you, but you were wrong for calling him a control freak. That’s really horrible and even more so if you are pretty sure he has mental health problems.