To not let my mother/stepdad hold my baby

[mamaAJ]

My first baby, a little boy, is due 16th April, me and my fiancée currently live with my family (moved back 2 weeks ago to save for a house deposit). I should add I'm also asthmatic so high risk.

My mother is a key worker within the NHS. Her job involves very close skin to skin contact with people.
Her husband is the same.

Although I'm sure they're hygienic at work, when they come home, they do not get changed out of their work clothes for hours and I am yet to witness either of them wash their hands after returning home. There's always been a running joke in our family about how unhygienic her husband is too (clothes for days and not showering/washing hands).

AIBU to withdraw direct contact with our baby and myself until this is more settled?
We have to live under the same roof, but I would like to enforce a safe distance where possible between us as I don't want to take any risks.

Last I saw they were advising people not to have visitors to see the new baby. I know it's a different scenario as you live with them, but I wouldn't want them to be handling the baby if I were you. Any chance they would be understanding?

I think this will be very difficult to enforce if you are living with them, especially if they are doing you a favour by letting you save for a house deposit. Can you ask everyone to wear medical gloves when holding your baby? I'm slightly baffled why you are living with them if you believe that their hygiene is putting you and your baby's health at risk. Long-term it sounds like you would be better moving out when we are no longer in lockdown.

@aSofaNearYou that's exactly how I see it, if I'm not allowed visitors then I don't feel comfortable with them handling the baby. Especially with them coming into contact with high risk places/people.

As for them being understanding, my mother isn't exactly very approachable about these things. She's been overly excited to have her first grandchild living with her (understandably) and keeps posting things onto my FB about how people are having babies during this pandemic and home is a sacred safe place... which for me right now couldn't me further from the truth!

I'm quite shocked tbh. You are living in their household and are therefore exposed. You have good reasons for doing so, but you're basically saying your mother should go out saving other people's lives all day, and in reward, she is to be denied holding her grandchild. Babies don't get ill from this. You maybe will but your risk doesn't change just because your mother might hold your baby. I'm sure she'll wash her hands.

I would've reported them to the NHS long ago! I hate it when I see people go to work and return in their NHS uniforms. As for not washing their hands...!

@snowy0wl they are still asking us to pay our way here, and it was my mother who pushed for us to stay here rather than at my partners parents, she was desperate for us to come here.
We absolutely hate it, it's a very negative household with lots of shouting and a general bad atmosphere... we plan to move out as soon as we possibly can, even though it will mean renting again.

Also, I haven't lived here for years, so I couldn't remember their hygiene (except obviously the long running joke on stepdad part). I would be expecting everyone and anyone who comes into contact with my baby to wash their hands regardless of a pandemic or not, but it just seems extremely risky at the moment considering their working environment given I'm high risk and my baby will be with me.

@Tootletum - not strictly true. There have been reported cases of babies catching coronavirus but they have recovered. But I agree with the point about already being exposed by living in the same place.

@mamaAJ - I'm so sorry to hear that.

Given what everyone else is saying about being exposed as within the same household, that is partially my point, I feel the need to explain to them I do not feel very safe being close to them and would appreciate it if they could keep a safe distance when we have to interact.

Put it this way, if we still lived at our own place, they would not be coming round, my door would be sealed shut. So it's not about them going out to save lives and being rewarded by taking away their 'cuddles'... it's about safety.

I wish you luck OP. I don't think that conversation is going to go very well!

The thing is, they'll be touching other stuff, no? If they bring it home it'll be everywhere. So you'll probably touch something they've touched.

Could you start having a go at them NOW to wash hands and get changed when they come home? Really nag them and get habits to change? I don't think you will be able to stop them touching the baby.

@TheBeesKnee I'm sure they will have contaminated other areas of the house such as door handles/benches etc and I feel like I'm constantly cleaning with dettol once they've gone to work.
Me and my partner are extremely careful when it comes to hand washing, of course I have to touch things they've probably come into contact with, but I never touch my face or another part of my body until I've washed my hands for at least 20 seconds as I feel this is the best/only option I have.

@TheBeesKnee sorry should've also added, ive mentioned to them about hand washing and they just tut and walk away it's as though they don't take it seriously, when you'd expect the complete opposite given they work for the NHS! They are both very stubborn and passive aggressive natured. Any conversation I have with them is going to be difficult.

I'm quite surprised they are not already being more careful tbh, given they work for the NHS, so must know that being pregnant and asthmatic makes you high risk. I know my mum would be terrified.

I don't think it would be unreasonable to gently ask them to at least change their clothes and wash their hands. If I were them I'd be showering when I got in.

If it was me I would be out of there no question. Can you not go to your partner's parents if that would be better? You and your baby's health is far too important for these careless tits to ruin. Can your partner try and sort something out quickly so you can move, even into a temporary place, nearby if necessary because of the restrictions on travel, but at least you could bar the door to them? Good luck, OP.

I think you either move out before the birth or accept they will have contact. It is pretty unreasonable to expect grandparents living in the house to not come near the baby and frankly with your attitude towards them, it is cruel to stay there anyhow. Would be far kinder to just move out and social distance properly.

Just tell them that the current arrangements aren't working for you and that you will be moving out to your partner's parents. Job done!

I think you need to move out, you should never have moved in. I get why you wouldn't want them to hold the baby but I think moving in to benefit you financially but saying you can't hold the baby because your hygiene isn't good enough but I'll turn a blind eye to poor standards to save a fee bob is a bit shit to be honest

I’d look into moving into your partner’s family home if they are more reasonable and have the space. This is going to cause huge friction and worry all round. I’d do it ASAP.

You have presumably been keeping a safe distance from most people for a while so you can continue to self isolate if/ when you move and then settle in and relax with your new baby.

Move out asap

I would move, as an emergency, to your partner's parents place if at all possible.

Arrange it, just take a bag and go.

You WILL fall out absolutely spectacularly with your mum and stepdad if you stay. In the interests of your future relationship with your mum especially, you HAVE to go.

You absolutely should not be in the same house as them anyway just after birth, when they have been in constant contact with infected people. That's nuts.

I think the more important issue here is them not taking basic hygiene measures like changing out of uniform and washing hands when they return home, especially with a vulnerable person living there. This is putting you and baby at unnecessary risk regardless of whether this hold the baby; I would suggest tackling the bigger issue first.

Of course we would love to just pick up and leave but it's not cut and dry simple or easy... we are in lockdown - moving does not fall under a reason for leaving the house. All of our baby's things are here, our dog as well and my partners parents won't have the dog. To people who don't own a dog this won't sound important but she is our responsibility and our family member.
Surely moving out to another rental isn't possible either due to lockdown, they won't be holding viewings etc and we would need to gather money for a deposit, it's all a lot to deal with when I'm in the midst of preparing for labour.

Lockdown doesn't forbid you to move somewhere safe, especially when you are high risk and there NHS workers where you now leave. I would move to your partner's parents, the dog isn't more important than your health and your baby's. YABU to be still staying at your parents

If you are genuinely as worried about this as you say you are, YABVU to continue living there. Continuing to have benefit from living there but refusing to let your mother how the baby is pointless from an infection control perspective and sounds like your way of expressing disapproval. It’s not ok that they aren’t washing hands or changing uniform, so stop making excuses and leave to your in laws. I have two dogs I love very much but they are not more important than the health of my child.
If you are living with them to save to buy a house, why don’t you have money saved you could use as a rental deposit?