To not let my mother/stepdad hold my baby

[mamaAJ]

My first baby, a little boy, is due 16th April, me and my fiancée currently live with my family (moved back 2 weeks ago to save for a house deposit). I should add I'm also asthmatic so high risk.

My mother is a key worker within the NHS. Her job involves very close skin to skin contact with people.
Her husband is the same.

Although I'm sure they're hygienic at work, when they come home, they do not get changed out of their work clothes for hours and I am yet to witness either of them wash their hands after returning home. There's always been a running joke in our family about how unhygienic her husband is too (clothes for days and not showering/washing hands).

AIBU to withdraw direct contact with our baby and myself until this is more settled?
We have to live under the same roof, but I would like to enforce a safe distance where possible between us as I don't want to take any risks.

Lockdown does not forbid you from moving somewhere safe.

Not only are you and your baby at risk where you are staying, it also means (from what you've said) that you are heading for a catastrophic fall out with your mother, pretty much as soon as you give birth and your find that she has the same zero respect for you and your wishes around YOUR baby as she does for basic hygiene.

Seriously. This happened to my cousin. Your mother sounds the same as hers. She eventually stormed out with her baby at ten at night after yet another row with her overbearing mother, who had basically decided that her baby's baby was by default HER baby and what she said went in her house, up to and including taking the baby off my cousin when he cried, SHOUTING at her for trying to breastfeed, and insisting on the baby's cot being in her room. She completely took over. Their relationship has never recovered; she hardly sees them.

You really need to think about moving out now. You have the perfect excuse, the baby really is at risk in a house of unhygienic key workers and so are you!

I'm surprised they've not been told to put uniform straight in the wash. My mum has always done this but due to covid she's requesting her colleagues do the same.
I would store babies things out their reach and I would say that if they want to hold they must be in clean clothes with washed hands.

Just move to your in laws and fast!

They should be following the measures that will have been laid down to them. How about asking what their employers have asked them to do when interacting with a new baby/vulnerable family members. They will have been told.

Most hospital trusts are now not allowing staff to arrive or leave in their uniforms so hopefully they will have that implemented at their work soon. Why anyone would want to sit around in their uniforms is beyond me.

I think this is the time that you have to stand up for your baby. They will be tiny and defenceless and will count on you to keep them safe. I know it’s hard because you’re living their, but unless they change their ways and start hand washing and taking hygiene seriously, they don’t come near the baby. And that’s final.

That sounds a very stressful situation.

I'm a teacher and going into school to support key workers' children. I'm in a much less risky environment but still wash my hands as soon as I come in, hang my coat in the bedroom away from everyone else's coats and then shower. I don't touch any surfaces until I've showered. I keep out of communal rooms when I'm wearing any clothes that I've worn to school. It's disgusting that NHS staff aren't doing something similar.

Ideally you need to move out but if that's really not possible then I think that you need to keep your baby right away from them.

My partner has just reminded me that his parents are also both key workers (sorry baby brain totally forgot to mention this).
His stepdad works on public transport and his mother works in a supermarket.
Neither of these situations are ideal. Which is why I never stated this as an option.

My main concern is being reasonable to ask for a safe distance kept between them and my baby until the risk is lowered... people saying the baby won't become ill, there have been confirmed cases of babies and children carrying this virus, and regardless of this I am of course concerned for my own wellbeing too... if I get it, I'll likely suffer bad and this will affect my baby!

twitter.com/arrowkmr/status/1242497948728152065?s=2
Not sure this will work but this link is to a helpful graphic which explains the home arrival protocol for those working in high risk settings.

Tried it. Does work. It’s a very helpful info graphic .

Why on earth did you move in there?

No YANBU to say they can't hold the baby. But if they are stupid enough to come home in contaminated clothes and not immediately change and reduce what they touch will it matter, and will they listen to you anyway? If your partner's parents are more hygienic and the atmosphere is nicer there I think you should move asap (with your dog) as even though they are key workers too it sounds like the risk will be lessened. Having a newborn is an incredibly special time but its easy to worry about even little things let alone what's going on now and I'm sad at the idea of it being harder for you than it needs to be.

My main concern is being reasonable to ask for a safe distance kept between them and my baby until the risk is lowered

Yes of course you are being reasonable, that's not the problem. The problem is that they will firstly completely ignore you while rolling their eyes (just as they do when you ask them to wash their hands); then if you start insisting they will get upset and start guilt tripping you which is the LAST thing you need just after giving birth, then if you continue to insist and get upset yourself it will probably end up in a full scale row with the words 'when you are under our roof' and 'this is our grandchild' bandied around. You. Are. Going. To. Fall. Out. Big. Time.

They are both very stubborn and passive aggressive natured. Any conversation I have with them is going to be difficult.

The thing is, OP, the time around giving birth is not like any other. Even if the birth goes well, you'll be tired, hormonal and extra sensitive and with your full complement of mother tiger instinct to keep your baby safe. Heaven help you if it doesn't go so well and you're actively unwell. Parents and inlaws also tend to go bananas - they really do think they have RIGHT to be right in there with their grandchild and can get possessive and unreasonable in ways you really do not expect.

It is a potential recipe for absolute disaster where there are issues and where you know already that they are not generally reasonable, sensible or supportive.

Your inlaws may be keyworkers too but if they are generally supportive and CLEAN and hygienic then GO THERE!

The ultimate aim is not to end up wrecking your relationship with your mum really. My cousin is a case in point - you should NEVER live with anyone who wants to muscle in and play mum with your baby, it just does not work and you will shock yourself with how visceral your feelings can be. My cousin's mum just went a bit nuts - she says so now - but her daughter will absolutely never forgive her for literally trying to take her baby away from her and override her as a mother when she was so vulnerable after giving birth, even now she says when she thinks of it she wants to literally punch her mother in the throat. Relationship destroyed. Totally.

I'm a carer. My current routine on arriving home from work is strip off in kitchen, clothes in on a 60° wash. Into shower for full scrubdown then say hello to family after!

No way would I bring a new baby home to that - you need to find another option.

I think given you are living with them in their house you have zero chance of telling them that they can't hold their grandchild.
Just ask them to wash their hands and change their clothes first

@mamaAJ
It the kindest way, you need to leave that house.
I had my first and lived with my parents, so i do understand the dynamics of it.

We still dont know enough about this virus to know the long term impact on lung function after recovery.

Your in laws will be in contact with people who aren't unwell or are asymptomatic (milder cases, hopefully), additionally they possibly have greater respect than your parents, who seemingly have zero wrt enhanced hygiene. Your parents are surely more exposed to this virus in a mhs setting.
Regarding the dog, your babies welfare has to be the priority, sorry. Is their a friend who will dog sit your pup at their own house? (They might welcome a fluffy companion during the isolation of lockdown)

Best of luck

@Crazycrazylady zero chance of telling them they can't hold their grandchild? It's MY child, not theirs. therefore it's my choice who can have contact with him, I don't care who is in the question.

Changing clothes and washing hands doesn't mean that they can't transmit anything if they're infected, it's transmitted through respiratory droplets. If I was still in my own place, they wouldn't even get to be near him at all as we would be isolating... I think you're forgetting how lucky they are to even have him in the same house, where they can see him, hear him etc. My DPs parents don't have the luxury of even meeting him for god knows how long.

How would people approach the task of moving out, I can't understand how people seem to think it's that easy... we have been here a couple of weeks and only just finished organising all of his items. Newborns seem to have SO many things... it's impossible to simply pack a bag and leave...

Changing clothes and washing hands doesn't mean that they can't transmit anything if they're infected, it's transmitted through respiratory droplets.

That’s why everyone’s telling you to move out.

i think you’re forgetting how luck they are to have him in their house

I think YOURE forgetting how lucky you are to be LIVING IN THEIR HOUSE. I’m not saying what they are doing is right but...come on. You’re pregnant and in a relationship and still living with your parents. If you don’t like what they do in their house, it’s YOUR responsibility to remove yourself and be responsible for your own accomodation.

How would you go about moving? Newborns have so much stuff
Pack some bags, and go to your in-laws. I’m not sure what ‘all’ the stuff is but if there’s so much it would prevent you moving, they probably don’t need 90% of it.
Pack a bag with their clothes, blankets and burp rugs, take some nappies, wipes, bottles and steriliser if you’re planning to FF, and the bassinet.
You can send a courier for the rest later.

Newborns need somewhere safe to sleep, clean clothes to keep them warm, and milk (breastmilk means just you, or if formula then a kettle, powder and bottles and maybe steriliser bags). Anything else is extra. Honestly.

I'd make sure you had those things and I'd move out. Now.

Even if your in-laws are key workers, presumably they don't have the same issue with being hygienic?

@mamaAJ
zero chance of telling them they can't hold their grandchild? It's MY child, not theirs. hmm therefore it's my choice who can have contact with him, I don't care who is in the question.

Because if you cant convince them to wash their hands and change out of work clothes in the middle of a lockdown pandemic, it doesn't seem a stretch to think they wont ignore you about cradling baby too?

Or maybe you/they end up shouting or just arguing about it. Maybe zero arguments, just silent constant stress! None of which sounds ideal. Esp if you can move to partners parents.

@haveyoutriedgoogle If you read my original post properly, you'd see that I said we have moved BACK in with my parents. Me and my fiancée have been living on our own since we turned 20, we are currently 24. My mother practically begged us to move back in with her rather than in laws as we were trying to save for a house deposit. We agreed this in November well before the pandemic.

A slight bit of background might be relevant here, my mother LOVES babies, I am one of 4 and ever since I was about 18 she's always been asking when I'll be having children and talking about how much she can't wait to become a grandma.

I am more than responsible for looking after myself and living on our own, so don't assume I still live with my parents while in a relationship as if this wasn't a very tough decision in the first place. It took us MONTHS to decide to give up our cosy flat in order to move back here. It's very overwhelming, and we regret this decision very much.

It's not just the baby we need to pack for, it's for ourselves too. We also need clothes/toiletries/belongings etc. We can't rely on removal companies to move the rest as god knows when this will be... we are in lockdown, and no one knows how long for. Living out of boxes and bags is super stressful never mind with a newborn baby too.

You get an air bnb with a washing machine and pack for 2 weeks. You wash clothes

You lack your boobs or formul if you want to bottle feed, nappies, baby grows and somewhere for baby to sleep.

That’s it. That’s all he needs for a while. Somewhere to sleep, a car seat, something to eat and nappies.

You’re not going out so no need for posh outfits.

@mamaAJ
I did read your post properly and am well aware you moved back to save money to buy your own place.
Presumably, you are getting a financial benefit from this, or why would you have done it? That is what makes your suggestion so inappropriate - your parents, good enough to gain a financial benefit from, but not to home your baby.
And you could, I presume, unpack some bags at your in-laws. Even if you couldn’t, it’s hardly the most stressful thing in the world to live out of bags when the alternative would be constant exposure to a pandemic virus from two people not taking hygiene seriously.
Honestly, the excuses (toiletries? Really?) are just silly now. Lots of people move with babies, ands yours isn’t actually here yet.

Sorry for typos