To not let my mother/stepdad hold my baby

[mamaAJ]

My first baby, a little boy, is due 16th April, me and my fiancée currently live with my family (moved back 2 weeks ago to save for a house deposit). I should add I'm also asthmatic so high risk.

My mother is a key worker within the NHS. Her job involves very close skin to skin contact with people.
Her husband is the same.

Although I'm sure they're hygienic at work, when they come home, they do not get changed out of their work clothes for hours and I am yet to witness either of them wash their hands after returning home. There's always been a running joke in our family about how unhygienic her husband is too (clothes for days and not showering/washing hands).

AIBU to withdraw direct contact with our baby and myself until this is more settled?
We have to live under the same roof, but I would like to enforce a safe distance where possible between us as I don't want to take any risks.

OP - posters were initially sympathetic, but I note that the tide has turned because you are coming across as someone who is stamping their feet because Mummy and Daddy are not doing what you want. You seem to want to have your cake and eat it (save for a house deposit and keep your dog but also have your parents do what you want). You say that you moved back home in November. How have you survived 4 months in this environment? I would have moved out again as soon as I could see it wasn't working.

You are not a tenant - you are a guest in THEIR house (regardless of whether you pay rent). I agree that their hygiene arrangements are questionable, but as far as I can tell they are not doing anything illegal and so you are being very unreasonable to try to dictate how they live in their own home.

Life and life choices are all about compromises and costs (both financial and emotional). Your options as I see them are:

1. Stay put, keep your dog, keep saving for your house deposit and endure the current situation. Your mental health and your baby's wellbeing will most likely suffer due to the stress and arguments. I have a friend in exactly this situation and her baby's mental health is suffering.

1. Move to your in-laws, continue to save for a house deposit (presumably they will offer a reduced rent) and ask someone else to look after the dog. You will be very unreasonable to bring the dog with you if they don't want pets. Presumably this will be a much healthier and calmer environment for you all.

1. Find a rental property. Put the home buying dream on hold. You are most likely to be unable to keep the dog, since many landlords don't allow pets.

As previous posters have said, you seem to be prioritising your dog over the welfare of you and your child. Please reconsider this.

I cannot stress how important it will be for you to have a calm and healthy living environment once the baby is here. Sleep deprivation, a mixture of hormones and now the current lockdown will all take its toll on you.

I speak as someone who was in a very similar situation to you (albeit without a child and supportive fiance). I voted with my feet. Yes it was tough to start with (and required compromises) but several years later I am in a much happier place.

If you choose to confront your parents the decision may be made for you. Personally, if you were my daughter and you tried to dictate how I behaved in my own house you would be out on your ear.

If you can live elsewhere, rent, stay with PILs if they are self isolating, then do so. The virus can live on clothing. They should never come home in work clothes. The whole atmosphere sounds toxic anyway.

Your partner has hands so he can pack up all the stuff and move it over one or two days. This is essential moving and if questioned the government has said moves can still go ahead.

Then you go with the rest of the items. I can't see how moving is so hard as we are not talking about a 4 bed house worth of items or are we??

I would not stay in a unhygienic place. That is the choice they are making for themselves. You have the choice to vote with your feet and you need to do so.

Really though, you only moved in 2 weeks ago, how could you not consider there hygiene? And covid 19 was a thing 2 weeks ago, did you not think about having nhs workers around your baby?

Really daft decision especially if your flat was nice. Has this been rented out, would your landlord allow you back?

Their not there.

Honestly your choice is effectively move now, or move probably about a week after you give birth when you literally can't take it any more after the fifth screeching row with your mum over this.

WHY did you move in with them knowing what they were like!!!!!

I think I just need to clarify a couple of things.

Firstly, I never once stated or implied that I would expect them to change the way that they live in their own house. The post was very simple, and was purely about whether or not it's unreasonable to ask them to refrain from contact with MY baby as they may pose a risk given where they work.

Secondly, I didn't ask about living situations in my original post on purpose, this is for multiple reasons I don't want to go into. There are plenty of issues with my in laws house as well, so this is not a black and white scenario. If I wanted advice on where or who to live with then I would have asked. Please respect this.

I did state that we have already decided to look for a new rental once we have enough money saved (maternity pay is not great as I assumed many people would know this). We have accepted that we are stuck here until lockdown and money are less of an issue.
With all due respect, we have just done a full move from a large 2 bedroom flat, we sold a lot of our things as we thought this was the right thing to do. Hindsight is very good at making things seem like they were a silly decision.

This is a very stressful situation, given the whole pandemic and being 37 weeks pregnant, comments like why did you move back there in the first place?! And why don't you already have money saved for a deposit if you're living with them are very unhelpful and frankly quite prejudice regarding our finances.

It seems to have all been blown out of proportion, again, as per my original question, I was wanting advice on whether or not people would feel it's safe to allow key workers (NHS specifically) to hold their newborn baby?

Thank you for genuine responses from people trying to help, this is appreciated.

If I was still in my own place, they wouldn't even get to be near him at all as we would be isolating... I think you're forgetting how lucky they are to even have him in the same house, where they can see him, hear him etc

Can’t take you seriously after this

You are overthinking. Just tell them they can’t hold baby until they have changed and showered then make them sanitise their hands in front of you. Job done.

Just tell them they can’t hold baby until they have changed and showered then make them sanitise their hands in front of you. Job done

This.

If you can’t or won’t change your living situation that’s all you can do. Tell them upfront when you are chatting calmly that you’ll be asking this of them. Your midwife/ hv will back you up.

Keep it light but definite. Going forward they must change and shower immediately, a shame if it’s annoying for them but you have to follow the guidance of your own HCPs.

@crispysausagerolls Can't understand why you're so offended by that? My in laws won't get to meet their first grandchild for weeks possibly even months, this is extremely sad and not at all how we imagined bringing our first baby into this world. My own dad too, his first grandchild won't get to meet him either. My mother and stepdad I feel ARE lucky that they get to, they are the only ones who will be able to meet him after I give birth... when the rest of his family will have to wait weeks/months. If we were still living in our flat, due to the current lock down and advice given, no visitors would be allowed. That is all I meant by this statement.

@GrumpyHoonMain yes I am guilty of being an over thinker, I think with everything going on it's making me stress and panic over the smallest of things. Thank you for your advice regarding holding the baby.

@MatildaTheCat Thank you. Yes I think that's the sensible thing to do, and I do think HCPs would support it. I don't want to take their grand child away from them, but ultimately I am responsible for this little life and he is my priority.

The timing is catastrophic bad luck, not stupidity on your part, so you have my sympathy. It sounds like an awful situation.
I know it's daunting, and so much more difficult with the dog, but I'd be on the internet trying to find a place to move into before the baby is born. From your description, your mum is going to be a nightmare when the baby is born and this is not merely an annoyance, it is downright dangerous in this extraordinary situation. I assume you have enough money for a deposit? People with empty properties may be despairing of getting tenants for months and might be more flexible in considering you.
Your mum and SD can't safely hold the baby even with handwashing etc. because they have to breathe and they can't isolate.

If you're happy for your baby to live in their house-which sounds like is quite unhygienic and quite high risk, then I don't think it's fair to stop them from holding the baby. Presumably the baby will be on the sofa that they've sat on in their uniform, it's clothes and blankets etc will be 'contaminated' anyway, so it seems a bit mean to draw the line at a cuddle, especially when they're letting you stay with them!

The virus lives on surfaces so just ask them to change and wash hands and make sure they do. Otherwise pointless asking them not to hold him as you’re living in the same house. They’ve already said they expect everyone in the household to get it if one person does.

Although I'm sure they're hygienic at work, when they come home, they do not get changed out of their work clothes for hours and I am yet to witness either of them wash their hands after returning home. There's always been a running joke in our family about how unhygienic her husband is too (clothes for days and not showering/washing hands

They're not even following NHS guidelines to immediately shower, put on clean clothes and wash clothes worn into the hospitals???

No way I'd be going near them. Madness.

No way would I allow them anywhere near my child. I am an NHS frontline worker. We have to remove our uniforms as soon as we walk through the door and shower immediately. They are disgusting.

Just tell them they can’t hold baby until they have changed and showered then make them sanitise their hands in front of you. Job done

OP, you've agreed that the above is the sensible thing to enforce.

What would be a good idea, then, is to inform them NOW that this will be the arrangement.

See what the reaction is.

If you get huffiness and eye-rolling, then you look them in the eye and say -'You do realise that the only other option would be to move out while this is happening, possibly to inlaws, possibly taking on a short term let?'

Give them fair warning and give yourself a heads up on how they are likely to react.

Just had a phone call from the HV this morning, she agreed that this is uncertain times and that social distancing from other members of the family would actually be a good thing to do.
She said that it COULD be ok to have close contact with him if they follow all the precautions of hand washing, showering, catch it bin it kill it etc BUT as new information develops and emerges, it may be advised by the maternity staff when I give birth that the safest option is for things to not go the typical ways at first (cuddles/kisses etc), that may be weeks. She ultimately agreed that I am his protector, and it may not be 100% safe, at least until we have more information or relaxed rules given. They do not have all the answers right now, understandably.

This is definitely a conversation I will have with them within the next few days. I agree it's better to set these expectations and prepare them for all outcomes sooner rather than later.