Aibu at the shitty way mothers of ff babies are judged

[whatthefuckishappening]

Spent best part of three hours trying to get the only brand of formula left from boots. Amazon keeps crashing, chemists don't know how soon stock will arrive, near impossible to get in supermarkets...so I try googling wholesalers online. Formula is only available to chemists and supermarkets apparently in case people are encouraged not to BF. No points given at Boots as that would be an incentive not to BF. Soonest Boots can deliver is Monday week. Sat here crying about the fucking breast pump that didn't work for me, the breast infections etc, wondering how the fuck to feed my baby when my formula runs out. The last thing I need right now is fucking judgement on ff ing.

While I agree the upset OP is conflating two issues, I would entirely disagree about ff mothers not being unpleasantly judged in some circles. I had some absolutely foul remarks from complete strangers when ff in public. I had always planned to bf, and when no milk ever came in at all despite the best advice and support I could have, I was utterly taken aback at some people’s negativity, which I hadn’t anticipated.

You should not be feeling judged, and I’m sorry if you have experienced that OP.

The shortages are due to hoarders/profiteering - nappies are also impossible to find anywhere, and that certainly isn’t due to judgement.

People are buying up essentials to sell on at a profit, and they know that if you need to feed your baby, you will get desperate enough to pay anything for a tub of formula. They are absolute scum.

None of what you describe was judgement. I was a FF mum and I’m actually really sick of people pretending there is this big world of bullies out to spit on FF mums. It’s doesnt exist. Please lose the chip off your shoulder.

This ^^ 100%

I FF all my 3 out of choice. They're all adults now and I've never regretted it for a second.

The only judgement I came across in RL was from one midwife in a team of 8, who when I mentioned my 4 week old DS had colic, said to him (not me) "I wonder if you would have had colic if your Mummy had breastfed?"

To which I replied in a baby's voice, "What are you asking me for? I can't answer you. I'm a 4 week old baby?"

Otherwise to that, Mumsnet is literally the only place I've ever seen people getting bent out of place about what other women choose to feed their babies.

I had some absolutely foul remarks from complete strangers when ff in public.

How did they know it wasn't expressed breast milk?

I do feel for you and I remember getting some horrible comments when I ff my daughter's. So I can understand why you feel judged.
Can you order from the chemist? I think I have heard this but no use calling the number on the tub as they can't help. I would get in touch with your hv as soon as possible too as they might hopefully have some advice.

@WorraLiberty, because they presumably saw me taking out a carton of readymade formula?

@NotMyPuppy

Based on the info she gives, the fact OP can’t get it from wholesalers is to do with society’s judgment of formula feeding though.

No it's not. Wholesalers do not usually sell to the general public. It doesn't matter if you're trying to buy formula, toilet paper or hand sanitiser.

Where are you? The MP in my area has asked anyone to contact her who is struggling to obtain formula. Her page and our local FB page has updates on shops.

I was panicking last week as nowhere had it so DH asked one of the supermarkets exactly what yoke they received the delivery and put it out, we literally waited in store and got some

I'm not judging and I don't know the circumstances of each person, but someone who stopped breastfeeding can usually start again if they put the baby to their breast when the baby is hungry before giving them their bottle. It takes about three days for the milk to come through.

My cousin was a doctor in a very isolated country and they would give orphaned babies to women who had already had a child but were no longer breast-feeding and that was the technique they used.

OP, there are multiple groups on Facebook offering donor breastmilk or wetnursing for babies whose parents are taken ill or who can't get formula.

Not to judge, and I am a breastfeeding mother myself, but what about the risk of contagion?

Personally, if I were going to go off the beaten track WRT to breastfeeding, I'd try to relactate before sourcing a wet nurse. Of course, that depends if you have enough formula to last a few weeks, because it can take time. And obviously be trying to source some formula in the interim.

abm.me.uk/breastfeeding-information/relactation/

@Coyoacan, let me assure you that is not true in every case.

Where in the country are you ? Can we help locate your formula . Pm if you don’t want to say on here. No one should judge you I formula feed my 4 children and what you are going through and the fear you must have are horrendous . Please if I can help I will x

I'm in Greater London. The calling the number on the back of the tin was a hoax - I'd seen that previously and believed it too! Wholesalers - will supply time public (some do) we did it this week for pasta and when it arrives will doorstep drop to others I know who have been struggling too. I know I'm being emotional, but the judgement is real, although everything feels exacerbated right now as I'm scared and anxious over the situation. It's hard to get a realistic answer from shops for when they will genuinely have stuff in.

As for judgement, trying to bf when there's not much milk is like being between a rock and a hard place - it's being told to persevere, whilst baby not gaining sufficient weight and her falling asleep from exhaustion. It's being told to top up breast feeds with a bottle and try to combat nipple confusion. It's being told to pump every two hours or more frequently if possible through night, whilst only getting 5ml out after 45 mins. It's being told to also put baby on breast every two hours through night. All whilst also bottle feeding a baby who threw most of it up. It takes longer than two hours to breast/bottle/pump etc etc. It's lifting and relatching a frustrated baby again and again whilst trying to recover from c-section. Its feeding through infections. It's wondering how I'm meant to look after other DC with this cycle and being told it seems like I don't want to BF enough. it's trying to buy fucking formula in a pandemic and being told no points or cost towards delivery for you as you ff!!!

I am able to borrow some milk thankfully and will be able to give some back when mine arrives. Feel relieved, and obviously hoping baby not ill by switching brands. Thanks for sending Amazon link but that's stage 3 milk. (My baby needs stage 1 as is only 4 months. Also Amazon fresh just kept crashing on me today). Good luck with nappies - boots have some on their website right now, but might take you a while to get through.

And thanks for the helpful posts. Appreciate it x

I'm so sad and worried to read your Post. Please tweet Boots - you will get a reply - and contact your PM. This is serious.
Hope you will both be ok.

Breastfeeding is supply and demand. You are generally always slightly behind the demand. It's like baby putting in its order for the next day. Believe me Day 3 my baby was pissed off there wasn't much milk.

It's hard when baby isn't gaining, but top ups are the beginning of the end. Your body makes less milk than baby needs, as it's getting it easily from the bottle. All babies fall asleep feeding. It's very hard to preserve when you have issues, other DC and pain. I could never pump more than a drop, but have exclusively breastfeed both DC. I understand midwifes / HV sometimes don't give the best support, but you are where you are. Just get through it and stock up. Corner shops are worth a try, might cost more, just concentrate on your baby. Formulas very regulated so essentially the same just slight variations and different boxes.

Ugh I think a lot of these "there's no judgement" replies are from mums who didn't FF and don't see how insidious the judgement is. I was in your spot, minus the pandemic and I know how it feels, all of it. NO points from Boots I didn't know about but there's enough judgement going round that it's one more stick on the pile. I am glad you got to borrow some and I would just add that posts like the one above saying top ups are the beginning of the end are just not helpful when you're trying to feed your baby and have him/her gain weight. I think your baby will be ok switching brands, even if fussier initially. I wish you all the luck in the world and a hug (and the stink-eye to the judgers including ffs BOOTS).

Also do this search, there is at least one in stock on amazon, delivery tomorrow, stage one, two for 18 quid: formula milk stage 1 free for prime members (delivery).

I'm so sorry you're unable to find milk for your baby. I can't image how that must feel for you.
I'm also very sorry you feel judged for formula feeding. Thankfully I never received any judgement. I had twins and one was formula fed and one was EBF (the boy had tongue tie which wasn't picked up until he'd already lost the newborn instinct to suck at the breast). My daughter would be breastfed while my son would have formula, nobody ever asked why (maybe they assumed I swapped them every feed or something).
If it's any consolation to you, out of my 4 children, ironically it's the formula fed child (now 15) who never ever gets ill or catches colds.
Aside from that, I just wanted to interject that us breastfeeding mums also get judged. I've been told I'm a pervert by a bus driver in Scotland for feeding my newborn child. I've had women in Australia ask to move tables in a cafe because they "didn't want to be around that", despite me being very covered. I've been made to feel uncomfortable when feeding, been made to feel that I've needed to go and feed my babies in the toilets away from other people. I've even previously held off feeding my baby for a tiny while to find somewhere discrete to feed them because of judgement from others. I was still breastfeeding my younger son when he was four years old and then got negative comments about "bitty" or that we shouldn't be doing "that" anymore.

I've now got a 9 week old baby and breastfeeding is definitely more acceptable now than it was ten and fifteen years ago, but believe me, I've still had a couple of comments including one man walking by me while I was discretely feeding who said "mmmmmm let me have some"!!!!!

Sometimes I think as a woman you can not do anything to please everyone. Too fat, too thin, too quiet, too loud. It's even worse when you're a mum. Just do what is right for you and your baby as in 10 years time you'll realise how you feed your baby is such a TINY part of parenting.

Sorry this isn't much help with getting you formula for your baby, but I could sense your frustration and anger and upset and just wanted to make you feel a little better and a little less judged. You're feeding your baby, that's all there is to it.

In case of an emergency you can give whole milk, goats milk or condensed milk. There are several online recipes. You can freeze milk, condensed milk is canned..

I agree, there is judgement. Just yesterday I had a discussion with someone who claimed that mothers who FF are lazy and didn't priorities their children, and this is the result. Had they persisted and breastfed, the problem would not exist. I do hope op you manage to get your hands on some soon, is so hard anyways!

www.amazon.co.uk/SMA-Pro-First-Infant-Birth/dp/B084PPYZVM/ref=sr_1_13?dchild=1&rnid=419157031&keywords=Baby%2Bformula%2B1&rps=1&th=1&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&qid=1584859160&refinements=p_76%3A419158031&sr=8-13 sma delivery tomorrow...

Having decided to ebf, I get how exhausting it is for you to try to get your milk supply started. I did not produce the oodles of milk you may imagine women from birth produce.

There's no judgement from me at all, I breastfed one baby and bottle fed another, I love them both the same
I'm sure you've tried but thought it was mentioning just in case, M&S food hall had formula in yesterday, if there's one near you it might be worth checking because it's not a place people would think of to get the milk.

I’m actually really sick of people pretending there is this big world of bullies out to spit on FF mums. It’s doesnt exist. Please lose the chip off your shoulder.

So because you didn't experience it, no one did? Sure

OP its stressful and the worry of running out is a big one. I don't think what you have mentioned is related to judgement, but of course it exists. Have you tried smaller corner shops etc?

Have you considered donor breastmilk milk? Your local mutual aid or mum group may have details. Where are you?