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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandma tantrums

61 replies

TheRealDrew · 20/03/2020 18:39

Hello.

This is a bit of a long weird one, sorry about that.
So to cut a long story short, last year my dad had an affair, left my mum and severed all ties with me too for some reason. I moved my family (wife+7yr old daughter) into the family home, because mum doesn't work and had no way of surviving until the divorce is final and the property is sold and finances sort etc. It's been a pretty rough ride, as the old lady didn't initially cope, I lost a lot of time at work due to her meltdowns. Work put me on a six month sanction, so if I have any time of during that period it's automatically unpaid (cue global pandemic).

So my wife and I pay enough rent to cover all the bills and we buy the shopping, and we save the rest for our own place when this is all over.
Time rolls on and mum starts seeing someone new, we are glad because it's good to see her happy, and a bonus is it takes some of emotional pressure off of us.

Cue global pandemic again, the gentleman in question is 70 and suffers from COPD... Mum has fallen out with wife, because we've advised that he isolate, wife and I work and travel, we don't want her carrying anything we might bring home right to his door. After a lengthy text convo (I was at work), she said she would phone him instead. And then she went anyway.

We are upset that despite the risks she has just put her head in the sand. Today she tells wife that she's going to continue to see him, and her sister who is also high risk, because she is an adult who can make her own decisions.
It gets better, she tells wife that if he gets it, "it would be categorically her (wife's) fault, because she uses the train to get to work".

I am equal parts horrified and disbelieving at this, this is the latest and worst in a catalogue of sins, as she also continues to undermine our parenting.

I haven't spoken to mum yet, as she fled to her high risk boyfriends place this afternoon. But I've said to wife, that next month we're moving out, I have two brothers they can do something for a change.

I don't want to suddenly have no parents at all, but this nonsense is a step too far I feel. I am lost right now

OP posts:
Deadposhtory · 20/03/2020 18:54

Move out. It's the only y

Deadposhtory · 20/03/2020 18:54

Way

Notimeforaname · 20/03/2020 18:55

I'm sorry you're stuck in the middle of this mess.
I think you've gone above and beyond to help your mum especially with all the extra stress of having your own family.

She doesn't want to listen to you so you can only do so much.

I think it would be very wise to have a chat with your brothers and tell them you cannot carry all of this yourself.
Are they in a position to help?

Notimeforaname · 20/03/2020 18:56

And yes if you have the opportunity to move out, take it.

GrannySlippersAreAStepTooFar · 20/03/2020 18:57

Move out and leave her to it. She sounds like a very selfish person.

Elieza · 20/03/2020 19:02

The olds seem to generally be having difficulty in adjusting to this new world. They think it won’t happen to them/their loved ones. Meanwhile we are all terrified. My mum was at the library ffs. What was she thinking.

Anyway perhaps the old yin would let her move in with him? Problem solved? Although I doubt she’d go after having her own pad for so long.....

Fluffycloudland77 · 20/03/2020 19:18

Do you wonder why your dad left eh?.

Unfortunately moving out is the only solution. You have done more than enough already.

Beautiful3 · 20/03/2020 19:19

You cannot control her, she is an adult and will do as she pleases. I think its time for you and your family to move out. You shouldn't have to deal with tantrums from your mother.

TeaAndDarkToast · 20/03/2020 19:31

Time to put you and your immediate family first. It's what she is doing after all. Leave and don't go back you have done more than your fair share.

Elouera · 20/03/2020 19:41

TBH, your wife has obviously been very patient in moving your entire family into the MIL's home Hmm

I can understand supporting your mum and helping her, but to move your entire family in and take 6mths off work is over the top- but that is my own opinion. I could maybe understand if your mother had a sever illness- dementia, disability etc and you needed to find a care home asap. But I feel you have gone above and beyond, and your wife is very tolerant!

Your mum is obviously independent, back in the dating game and not sitting at home in a grieving, sad mess from her marriage breakdown. What is happening with your own family home? I'd move back in ASAP and leave your mum to it. Could you suggest her new male friend moves in with her- to keep her company and isolate together, or she moves in with him at his place or her sisters?

NotJustACigar · 20/03/2020 19:41

What part of suffocating to death slowly with no treatment to help them do the oldies not understand? My stepdad was at the post office yesterday for a trivial reason. Your mum is being ridiculous and really cruel to your wife. Can't she go and live with her boyfriend at least temporarily while we're in this situation?

HavenDilemma · 20/03/2020 19:43

I don't see how she's had a tantrum, she just sounds stubborn and spectacularly dim!

Sugarplumfairy65 · 20/03/2020 19:45

"^^The olds seem to generally be having difficulty in adjusting to this new world"
None of the ones I know do.
People on our local facebook group have been commenting on the huge number of school age teenagers congregating on our village green this evening though

1forAll74 · 20/03/2020 19:48

Yes,you should move out, and should not have all this added stress now.
Just think about your own little family unit now. Let the oldies sort themselves out,as they seem to know it all..

I am an oldie, but would never ever be creating any family upsets, especially with things as they are now.

Nousernameforme · 20/03/2020 19:56

Yes make a large risky financial move in this completely uncertain time. Shouldn't be too hard OP crack on.

diddl · 20/03/2020 20:10

Well tbh, isn't it also up to the other adults to tell your mum not to visit/not let her in if she turns up?

I'm sure she knows it wouldn't be your wife's fault, but is trying to convince herself it wouldn't be hers iyswim.

If you can manage to move out that's great & you should do so imo.

Hard to understand why you all moved into a hu´´ouse that was up for sale anyway in some ways.

1Morewineplease · 20/03/2020 20:51

I would leave. It will only get worse and you need to protect your own family.

Original poster
TheRealDrew · 20/03/2020 20:52

Quick update + details.
The house isn't yet for sale, we don't know when it will be, the financial settlement will take ages because dad has money hidden all over.

I'm at work currently, being bombarded with calls from wife, because mum is flipping out and calling her selfish and such, I could hear her shouting in the background. She's burst into my daughters room where wife is, to tell her off while on the phone to her boyfriend.
I've had to arrange for a friend to pick them up and take them to stay at his place, my poor daughter is crying her eyes out terrified by all the shouting. She wouldn't leave wife alone, basically following her and shouting. Accused me of dictating what she does, when it's not us, it's the government.

OP posts:
Elouera · 20/03/2020 21:21

OP- Your mother is toxic and set in her ways. Leave now, before you also lose your own family!!!

Weenurse · 20/03/2020 21:26

Leave now, she can sort herself out and work out how to pay her own bills.

SuburbanFraggle · 20/03/2020 21:57

What Weenurse said.

TeaAndDarkToast · 21/03/2020 02:03

The house isn't yet for sale, we don't know when it will be, the financial settlement will take ages because dad has money hidden all over.

that's not YOUR problem it is YOUR MUM's. If she has the energy to project her own shortcomings onto your wife and child then she has the energy to sort her own life out.

You are exposing your wife and child to abuse. Your mum sounds narcisstic and you sound like an empath. She will drag you under, lose your job, break your marriage and family up so you can be alone with her....

I can see why your father left.

Cut the supply short sharp permanent and don't ever look back.

Beautiful3 · 21/03/2020 05:31

She is being abusive towards your family. I would move, your wife and child comes first.

ChillinInMyBacta · 21/03/2020 05:49

In these times I wouldn't have the patience, energy or empathy to put up with crap like this.

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/03/2020 05:55

Your wife and child need a safe place. Unless you are key workers, they will have to be “home” 24/7. I hope you find somewhere to rent soon. Your mums financial concerns cannot come at the cost to your family. Some people cannot be saved.

Get a few door stops so that they can barricade themselves in the bedroom when it gets bad. Your wife can also carry one round with her and barricade your dd and herself in the room they’re currently in.

As for calling her a narcissist. Is this a new situation. Your mother may be finding having the 3 of you around too difficult to cope. With the current climate, the house isn’t selling any time soon. So yes, you need to leave urgently for everyone’s sake.