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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Grandma tantrums

61 replies

TheRealDrew · 20/03/2020 18:39

Hello.

This is a bit of a long weird one, sorry about that.
So to cut a long story short, last year my dad had an affair, left my mum and severed all ties with me too for some reason. I moved my family (wife+7yr old daughter) into the family home, because mum doesn't work and had no way of surviving until the divorce is final and the property is sold and finances sort etc. It's been a pretty rough ride, as the old lady didn't initially cope, I lost a lot of time at work due to her meltdowns. Work put me on a six month sanction, so if I have any time of during that period it's automatically unpaid (cue global pandemic).

So my wife and I pay enough rent to cover all the bills and we buy the shopping, and we save the rest for our own place when this is all over.
Time rolls on and mum starts seeing someone new, we are glad because it's good to see her happy, and a bonus is it takes some of emotional pressure off of us.

Cue global pandemic again, the gentleman in question is 70 and suffers from COPD... Mum has fallen out with wife, because we've advised that he isolate, wife and I work and travel, we don't want her carrying anything we might bring home right to his door. After a lengthy text convo (I was at work), she said she would phone him instead. And then she went anyway.

We are upset that despite the risks she has just put her head in the sand. Today she tells wife that she's going to continue to see him, and her sister who is also high risk, because she is an adult who can make her own decisions.
It gets better, she tells wife that if he gets it, "it would be categorically her (wife's) fault, because she uses the train to get to work".

I am equal parts horrified and disbelieving at this, this is the latest and worst in a catalogue of sins, as she also continues to undermine our parenting.

I haven't spoken to mum yet, as she fled to her high risk boyfriends place this afternoon. But I've said to wife, that next month we're moving out, I have two brothers they can do something for a change.

I don't want to suddenly have no parents at all, but this nonsense is a step too far I feel. I am lost right now

OP posts:

wecandothispeeps · 21/03/2020 05:55

Your mother is abusing your wife and child. You need to move out urgently, and rent somewhere until you can find somewhere more permanent. What you can not do is allow this situation to continue. You will lose your wife and child when they finally decide they have had enough.

Time to man up and move out. Your mother is abusive and selfish in equal measure. She can see who she likes then, and take as many risks as she pleases. Resolve this quickly before it is too late.

mathanxiety · 21/03/2020 06:14

Move out asap. You owe this to your wife and DD.

You shouldn't have moved in or got involved in the first place. Take a leaf from your brothers' books and keep your distance.

Your mother may have dementia or she may just be a really horrible person. Not. Your. Problem.

81Byerley · 21/03/2020 06:26

Put your little family first and move out. She will realise what she has done when she's left to cope alone.

Icecreamdiva · 21/03/2020 06:32

Describing this as a tantrum doesn’t sound right to me. She is older and as a PP says, she is set in her ways. And as she herself says, she is an adult and will make her own decisions, for good or ill.
I think you and your wife need to step back from this physically and mentally. You have told her what the government guidelines are and what you think. Now it’s down to her. Let her make her own mistakes and deal with the consequences. You aren’t responsible for her. And move out if you think that’s best.

GabriellaMontez · 21/03/2020 06:36

You've moved in with her. Then told her she cant socialise.

They could be isolating together if you weren't there.

In the minority here but I think you've overstayed your welcome.

speakout · 21/03/2020 06:47

Move out.

Simple solution.

speakout · 21/03/2020 06:47

*You've moved in with her. Then told her she cant socialise.

They could be isolating together if you weren't there.

In the minority here but I think you've overstayed your welcome.*

I agree. The OP sounds controlling.

fuzzymoon · 21/03/2020 06:49

I'd back right off her and let her get on with it.

Yes he should be isolating and what your mum is doing is wrong but they know the facts and have decided to ignore them.

It's not your place to police it. I say this because I'm desperately trying to get my parents to self isolate. I'm prepared to get them anything they need. They say they're doing it then they say oh I popped to pick up a prescription today , I popped and got some bread today. I ring every day but they still do it. I started to get really wound up but it just caused arguments. I've now decided that they have to work it out themselves. I am not their personal policeman and they are adults.

Strange analogy. You know people say when selling a house, display it with no clutter , show the function of a room as people can't see what it could be as can only can see what's in front of them. Apply that to everything. If it's not displayed in front of them they can't see it. If they don't know personally of people seriously ill they can't see how it can effect them.

She knows what she's doing is wrong but doesn't want to change what she's doing. It's easier to blame you and your wife then carry on doing what she's doing guilt free.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 21/03/2020 06:54

Bollocks does the OP sound controlling!
Trying to get mum to do the right thing by ALL of them, including the mum's 70yo "Boyfriend" with COPD isn't "controlling, ffs!

But I do agree that you should move out, OP. Move out, leave her to it. Let her work it all out on her own - do not continue with this situation.

Northernwarrior · 21/03/2020 06:57

OP what was your father like? Was your mother in a relationship with a monster who finally left her after multiple affairs? Or was she the nightmare and long suffering father finally left?
I think this would dictate further actions. She is bvu but it may be the difference between NC and just a stern talking too. Both scenarios would result in moving out though and distancing for a good while.

There is no excuse to speak to your wife like that and make your daughter cry.

speakout · 21/03/2020 06:57

The OP moved into her house and is now telling her who she can and' can't have to visit.

user1497997754 · 21/03/2020 07:07

Move out.....she is a disgrace leave her to it

Greenpop21 · 21/03/2020 07:10

Why did you move your family in? Your mum doesn’t sound infirm, she’s found a boyfriend. Why didn’t you just help out more but stay in your own home? Seems a bit extreme to me.

JudyCoolibar · 21/03/2020 07:12

I can understand supporting your mum and helping her, but to move your entire family in and take 6mths off work is over the top

OP didn't take 6 months off work. That's a very strange interpretation of the original post.

Greenpop21 · 21/03/2020 07:12

Also you describe your mum as ‘the old lady’ is this for real?

Figgygal · 21/03/2020 07:15

Your mum is ignorant and ungrateful

sneeuw · 21/03/2020 07:15

OP didn't take 6 months off work!

He got sanctioned - a punishment - by work because he took too much time off.

DdraigGoch · 21/03/2020 08:47

@sneeuw I read that as being the odd day here and there.

TealWater · 21/03/2020 22:49

OP you haven't answered what happened to your house that you, wife and daughter moved from? Move back there if possible. I see both sides. I think moving your wife and family to your mum's house was inconsiderate of you for your wife and daughter, it wasn't fair on them. And though you clearly were doing your mum a favour, she seems to resent your family's presence there and now feels like she has been controlled, even though of course you aren't doing that. I think you moving your family into your mum's was a mistake all round. A big mistake. And you could have given her day to day general support without moving your whole family in with her. She clearly resents you and your wife, and your wife and daughter are miserable. You've lost time off work completely unnecessarily, and your mum clearly does not appreciate that or is grateful for your sacrifices. The only one who has lost the most from this is you and your wife and daughter. Your mother shows no gratitude and resents you all, so what are you still doing there? Get out, today if possible.

Then, your mum's boyfriend can move in, and they can both be together and isolate together, your mum will have no need to travel to see him. Btw, your mum does have a point, your wife is putting your mum at risk by going to work by train every day, and coming back to your mum's home every day. Your wife poses a far bigger risk, than your mother just visiting her boyfriend. If you and your wife lived in your own home, your wife wouldn't be subjecting your mother to risks from the train every single day. You could be isolated from your mum and contact her via skype or whatever, without your wife risking bringing back Covid from the train each day to your mum's house.

If your wife can drive to work instead of taking the train, it would mean less risk to your daughter and yourself, too.

TeaAndDarkToast · 21/03/2020 22:55

If Covid19 has taught us anything it is that life is too short.

Move out and on from Mommy Dearest.

justasking111 · 21/03/2020 23:04

Has your mum always been like this, controlling and selfish?

anniefrangipani · 21/03/2020 23:05

@speakout Have you been at the hoarded gin? He's not "telling her who she can see" the bloody government is!

anniefrangipani · 21/03/2020 23:07

Oh shit maybe @speakout just got back from a spiritual retreat with Jared Leto and hasn't seen the news yet.

TitianaTitsling · 21/03/2020 23:11

Why are you paying for your mother to live? Does she work? Has she ever worked?

Original poster

TheRealDrew · 22/03/2020 06:59

Answers and updates.
We're renters, we have nowhere to move back to, we moved in because I couldn't afford to run tow houses. My rent was £800, plus running costs, hers is about £450 plus solicitors fees, I tried to help remotely but couldn't afford to. She's on universal credit and is signed of off work, but she did work in the past.

Yes, I did refer to her as "Old Lady", in the post. Flippant, but in the flesh I've always called her old woman, it's how we communicate.

To the people who called me controlling, I'm actually really easy going, I disagreed with her choice and tried to make her aware of the facts, I've never laid down the law about anything. The last time there was a blowout like this was when my dad had taken her to court to get a molestation order against her (she kept taking his things this new place, there's history and she wasn't entirely in the wrong there, he kept on breaking appointments to come get it), the judge only let her off because I said I'd be a go between, even though I knew my day wouldn't contact me. A month later she told me she sent his new partner some messages, I got angry about that because she didn't seem to grasp that if she broke her word to the judge, she could go to prison! So, I don't think I'm controlling.

We are currently staying with friends, and have a house viewing on Tuesday, so hopefully we can get a place asap, we don't want to put any strain on our friends relationship.

I'm collecting the cat and some clothes and things today, she said to give her notice so she can be out. I'll still leave her mother's Day card on the mantle, but I'm pretty cut up to be honest, father's Day last year was the last time my dad really spoke to me.

Sorry for the vent, I have appreciated your input.

OP posts:

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