Grandma tantrums

[TheRealDrew]

Hello.

This is a bit of a long weird one, sorry about that.
So to cut a long story short, last year my dad had an affair, left my mum and severed all ties with me too for some reason. I moved my family (wife+7yr old daughter) into the family home, because mum doesn't work and had no way of surviving until the divorce is final and the property is sold and finances sort etc. It's been a pretty rough ride, as the old lady didn't initially cope, I lost a lot of time at work due to her meltdowns. Work put me on a six month sanction, so if I have any time of during that period it's automatically unpaid (cue global pandemic).

So my wife and I pay enough rent to cover all the bills and we buy the shopping, and we save the rest for our own place when this is all over.
Time rolls on and mum starts seeing someone new, we are glad because it's good to see her happy, and a bonus is it takes some of emotional pressure off of us.

Cue global pandemic again, the gentleman in question is 70 and suffers from COPD... Mum has fallen out with wife, because we've advised that he isolate, wife and I work and travel, we don't want her carrying anything we might bring home right to his door. After a lengthy text convo (I was at work), she said she would phone him instead. And then she went anyway.

We are upset that despite the risks she has just put her head in the sand. Today she tells wife that she's going to continue to see him, and her sister who is also high risk, because she is an adult who can make her own decisions.
It gets better, she tells wife that if he gets it, "it would be categorically her (wife's) fault, because she uses the train to get to work".

I am equal parts horrified and disbelieving at this, this is the latest and worst in a catalogue of sins, as she also continues to undermine our parenting.

I haven't spoken to mum yet, as she fled to her high risk boyfriends place this afternoon. But I've said to wife, that next month we're moving out, I have two brothers they can do something for a change.

I don't want to suddenly have no parents at all, but this nonsense is a step too far I feel. I am lost right now

You've done right thing, and I can only wish you continued good health, all best and hope you secure a new place. Take care of your family and cat and let your Mother walk her own path.

Sheesh, she wants to be out when you go to collect stuff? Sounds like she is still very much in her own headspace, wherein she's always right and everyone around her is Wrong.

I'm sorry for you - sounds like she's planning on reducing contact a huge amount when you've finally left, and with your Dad not speaking to you either, you're left without either parent suddenly!

How awful for you. :(

Do you think your Dad would re-start contact if he knows you're no longer living with your mother?

Well I'd have locked her out. But I am a bitch.

Stay safe. You've done the right thing. Let her stew in her own juices for a few weeks and then ignore the inevitable "I'm sorry, please come back" when she realises how she has left herself high and dry.

I don't make any judgment of your mother, except about the way she is treating your wife and you are quite right is removing your family from that situation.

It is hard for two generations to understand each other and even harder at the moment.

It sounds like both you and your wife have been very kind to your mother

What was she like before the affair, and how did it affect her mentally? My mum became very codependent with her new boyfriend after my dad cheated, and I can imagine being told not to see him for an indefinite period would have upset her greatly.

That still doesn't make it ok, but could explain why your mum becomes stressed at the thought of not seeing her new boyfriend, and is acting so emotionally?

You seem to have a pair of awful parents who put their own drama ahead of their relationships with their children. Is there any reason your brothers keep their distance?

Maybe buy the book 'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.

So you were the good obedient little son who disrupted his core family and pandered to the needs of a spoilt old woman.
Ever thought why your Dad left her? Time mending fences with him.

We've just come through the most infectious period, so you're shuttung the doir after the horse has bolted.

I took this virus seriously from day one. I agree that if people want to stay alive that they need to self isolate. But if older people decide that their mental health won't stand up to it and they consider themselves at the end of their life, i do think it's their choice. As long as they realise that they won't be treated, they'll be made comfortable while they die.
It may be her BF and Sister whose putting pressure on her to visit and she doesn't know what to do for the best.

I can't see us ever banning stuff that kills off younger people, when this is over. Body autonomy isn't age related. While i agree there's a, level of selfishness.

You're very dismissive of her feelings. Describing her as having 'meltdowns', evencwhen her husband left her for the OW.

Btw, you are extremely selfish going to live with someone else, while you are still using public transport.

Please understand that it would take actual days to write down every detail, I've pretty much abridged the whole thing.

Let's assume that I've used meltdown as shorthand, because it conveys adequately an image of the situation without being over descriptive. Shouting, screaming, swearing, not listening when people are trying to calm you down, hitting people and smashing plates, while your grandaughter is in bed. Meltdown.

I have bent over not only backwards, but in basically every direction, accommodating her emotional needs, so I don't see how I've been dismissive of her feelings.

Also, we're staying close to where we both work, so no public transport is necessary, but thanks for your feedback on that.

OP, that sounds like a truly awful situation.

Your mother sounds terrible.

Put your own family first.

Best thing is leave her to it now.
Next time she calls in tears advise from a distance and don't get swept back up in the drama.
She is not your financial responsibility. She's a grown women whose making terrible decisions.
She's on her own now!