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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I taking advantage?!

52 replies

Thisendshere211 · 17/03/2020 20:28

Try to help my flatmate where I can (found them the current place we share, organise food deliveries, let them have my food if I'm not going to be in), for the sake of harmonious household relations - the standard!!

We have a weekly cleaner coming tomorrow and my room is a bit untidy - nothing major but unmade (clean!) bed, papers on desk, (paper) rubbish in plastic bag in room. I was supposed to be in beforehand to tidy but won't be home in time. I asked if they could do me a favour and shove the papers in a drawer, pop the rubbish outside the room, quickly make the bed. Would take all of 2 mins and could do on facetime just so I could quickly see the situation

They have flat-out refused and said they are standing up for themselves / being assertive... This is despite previously agreeing. I have said I'd be grateful, would have brought them chocolate or similar to say thanks and obviously would do the same for them if needed.

Aibu?

OP posts:
BunnytheBee · 17/03/2020 20:30

From what you say you don’t sound unreasonable but maybe it sounded like more work. Also do you ask things of them a lot?

You say you do lots of things for flat mate. Do they do such things for you too or do you only do nice things for them and they do nothing for you?

Nikhedonia · 17/03/2020 20:31

Sounds like there's more to this than you are saying for them to say that they are going to assert themselves

And yeah, a bit weird to ask them to tidy your room for you!

Bluntness100 · 17/03/2020 20:33

I’d agree you’ve painted yourself as the holy grail of house mates but your flat mates reaction indicates you take the piss regularly and they’ve had it with you.

RedskyAtnight · 17/03/2020 20:34

If it's really just 2 minutes, it slightly begs the question why you didn't just do it before you left?

HollowTalk · 17/03/2020 20:35

Your flatmate is going to bitterly regret that when they run out of toilet roll and know you have a stash under your bed!

Original poster
Thisendshere211 · 17/03/2020 20:35

BunnytheBee - rarely ask things of them TBH. Looked back through my comms with them today, I said they could eat my food in the freezer and anything from my fridge shelf while I was away... They were going out to buy toilet paper so I said I'd pay for half asap... I guess the "nice things" are more of my doing, for their benefit.

Nikhedonia - that's just how they speak normally, especially when asked to do their fair share unfortunately.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thisendshere211 · 17/03/2020 20:37

Didn't do it before I left because was rushing for a train and thought I would be back in time.

Re toilet paper stash, I would cave and share - so that's not going to work but made me laugh :)

Maybe I have painted myself as the "holy grail" of housemates but tbh think I am! I foudn this place, they pushed hard to move in with me (having had a really bad set-up before) but want everything on their terms. Am bitterly regretting the whole scenario!

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 17/03/2020 20:40

Well op. No one says they are standing up for themselves and asserting themselves unless they previously have been taken advantage of.🤷‍♀️

PositiveVibez · 17/03/2020 20:41

You wanted them to facetime you to check they had tidied your bedroom properly?

Original poster
Thisendshere211 · 17/03/2020 20:43

Bluntness - unfortunately, by others...

PositiveVibez - no, more so as not to waste their time! Was thinking more of being efficient (for them) - literally just wanted the bed made.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 17/03/2020 20:44

I thought you also wanted the rubbish taken out and papers put away? Why would anyone need to face time you to show the bed is made right? How’s that more efficient?

Cohle · 17/03/2020 20:46

It sounds like you regularly take the piss. I'm not surprised you don't agree, most CF's aren't particularly self-aware.

Croprotationinthe14thcentury · 17/03/2020 20:47

Why do they need to make your bed? It's fair enough to want the papers tidied away for the cleaner to clean but make the bed......the cleaner won't care if your beds made or nit

Original poster
Thisendshere211 · 17/03/2020 20:49

Bluntness - I suggested it to them in case they thought would be helpful - could not remember the exact state so could just say oh look, that's the rubbish bag there, would be great if you could grab that - papers are on that desk there - could you just pull the bed cover up please. Done, thanks, 2 mins. Rather than them having to hunt everywhere for the papers etc.

I know it's a big thing to ask but I'm not joking when I say it would take 2 mins max. Wasn't expecting a proper tidy, literally just a very quick in-out before the cleaner comes. Would have been very grateful, prepared to do it for them, and - as I say - do plenty of things all the time for them.

There IS history here, but they have been taken advantage of a lot by others and consider any favour being asked of them somethign they should "stand up" to. As you can see, I try not to ask them many favours Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
Thisendshere211 · 17/03/2020 20:50

Cohle: really, really not. They pushed and pushed to live with me (sweet deal for them) despite me saying it would probably not work. I try not to ask favours ever really. They have lived here 2 months+ and this maybe the first or second I have asked

OP posts:
BunnytheBee · 17/03/2020 20:50

Your attitude alone comes across that they are lucky to have you as a flatmate and you’re a better flatmate than they are doesn’t make you sound great. It actually makes you sound like quite hard work.

BunnytheBee · 17/03/2020 20:52

I probably wouldn’t want to clean your room for you if I were your flatmate and the fact you might generally be a considerate flatmate wouldn’t change that

Bluntness100 · 17/03/2020 20:54

Sorry op, but I also get the under tone of they are lucky to be there, it’s your place and they should know their place in the pecking order, you’re doing them a massive favour.

I think it’s clear it’s not working for either of you, can you afford the place on your own?

Squitface · 17/03/2020 20:59

YABU. Letting them finish food you have left in a communal fridge that will go mouldy if it's left there too long might be construed as Can you clear my past it's sell by date stuff out of the fridge to save me an icky job later. It's not a generous offer from you.

Asking someone to make your bed, empty your bin & tidy up your surfaces is too personal a task to ask of someone who you aren't very close to. And to suggest you watch them do it via FaceTime - easy to take the wrong way & think you want to check they're not stealing or that they do a proper job. You are in CF territory!

SuburbanFraggle · 17/03/2020 21:04

I was on holiday with a friend once. In a shop we found some cereal she liked. She had it for breakfast most days in our half board. I was fine with sharing when I went to the bakery, doughnuts, pastries etc. I would offer and she happily helped herself.

Unfortunately she got pick pocketed halfway through and it was cash, not refundable. She lost about £250. For the rest of the trip I paid for her museum entry, transport, ice-cream, drinks, outings even a small gift for her mum at the market. Easily £200. She said she would pay me back 'when she could afford to'.

On the second last day I asked if I could have some of her cereal. "No, because then there won't be enough for me for tomorrow."

After all I had done for her.

Some people just have no gratitude or common decency.

She knew full well I would have bought us some pastries or something for breakfast. In any case she still had some money left (about £50) unchanged she was keeping back 'for emergencies', and a credit card so she could have bought another box of cereal. For the sake of a £3 cereal she would throw back my generosity in my face.

Some people are just like that OP. At least now you know that where you would bend over backwards to help you, she wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire make much of an effort.

Original poster
Thisendshere211 · 17/03/2020 21:04

Ok at the risk of drip feeding we are "very close" (and go way back) - the food was nice food, unopened and within sell by date.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thisendshere211 · 17/03/2020 21:05

Suburban Fraggle - Im sorry to hear that! You have described this person to a tee Flowers

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 17/03/2020 21:06

They are an ex?

Sunflower20 · 17/03/2020 21:09

I think it's too much to ask a flatmate to do. Also why do you need to tidy your room before the cleaner comes?

BelfryBat · 17/03/2020 21:09

TBH it reads to me as if you do them 'favours' they don't want or need and expect to take the piss in return. I can't imagine asking someone else to male my bed for me!