So angry right now

[isolatedforever2020]

This may be long so apologies in advance but need to rant

My DS's father is useless. He shows no interest in him and reduced his contact with him to a few hours each month in favour of his new child with his girlfriend. Recently I've been doing up DS's room and been looking into getting him some furniture for it to transition out of a nursery and more into a little boys room as he's now 3.5.

I asked ex to collect some bits for it as he has a work van and my car is too small, he came up with excuse after excuse regarding time and money etc even tho I wasn't asking him to pay for any of it.

Then I find out that he's gone and kitted our his other child's room a few days after I mentioned it and it's plastered all over social media.

I'm so so so angry and hurt for DS that he's gonna have to watch this continuing as he grows up knowing that he's 'second best' to the other child.

There are limits in place already via a solicitor about contact with the girlfriend because she's toxic and a nasty person who has already caused a lot of trouble but ex has withdrawn from DS drastically over the past year or so.

I contacted ex today and told him exactly what I think of him and that he needs to stay away for a while whilst he thinks about what he wants.

I really don't think we'll see or hear from him ever again But I just don't know what to do

I agree he is useless, but by telling him to stay away you’ve given him the perfect excuse to not see his DS. It’s obvious what he wants, he doesn’t want to be bothered about his DS and he wants to stay away and have next to no contact, maybe even no contact. You’ve just handed that to him.

I think it’s really for you to choose what you want.

In my opinion, in some cases a completely absent father is better than a once in a blue moon father that always makes you feel a second best/unwanted child. I’d honestly consider going to the courts and ending the contact.

Later when your DS is older, you can sit him down and say this person is your biological father in case you want to contact him. And tell him about why you cut contact...because he was showering his half sibling with attention and doing it deliberately in a way that would make your DS feel bad about himself. So you cut contact to shield him from having to face that favouritism because it’s psychologically damaging.

@PlanDeRaccordement I've wanted to cut contact for ages but never known how.

He's not in social media but it's the gf posting it all clearly hoping I'll see it knowing I'd asked him for help last week

I think it may be the best thing to do cause as you say DS is definitely noticing those kinds of things now

AIBU to do it tho?

And also because I feel like I've been forcing him to have contact for so long I'd rather just a clean break and he just do one without wondering if he's actually gonna turn up, what's gonna happen during the visits etc. It's essentially like handing my child over to a stranger for the day

No, I don’t think you would be U to cut all contact. Not given the circumstances.
My DH grew up in similar circumstances. His father went on with new wife and new family. He remembers getting invited to spend one Christmas with his father and how excited he was. Only for it to be a day of torture. His half siblings (also boys) opening expensive presents. And not one present, not even a card for him. He then had to sit there in his best church clothes, be polite all day eat Christmas dinner with them and then go back home with absolutely nothing. He felt worthless and unlovable. He is in his fifties and it still is a painful memory.
I think you’d be acting in your DS best interests.

Block the gf
You don’t need to see it

Or the gf is just excited about her childs bedroom and posted it for her friends to see. Why are you even on her Facebook?

It's your ex that's the issue, not her.

You can’t control anyone’s behaviour but your own.

So my question is, why can you see either of their social media posts??

Is the toxic gf his other child’s mum? If so then a good, healthy relationship was never going to be on the cards I’m afraid.

In my opinion, in some cases a completely absent father is better than a once in a blue moon father that always makes you feel a second best/unwanted child.

I agree with this. for you and your DS, OP.

I'm actually not on her social media, a friend know what was happening saw it and told me. She is blocked on every platform I have due to her harassing me and threatening my DS which ex is fully aware of and did nothing about hence via a solicitor.

I get that he will have new things too that's absolutely not my issue, it's the fact that ex claimed to not have any time or money (even tho I wasn't asking him for any) but suddenly the other child gets everything and more I was saying my DS needed. He's 18 months younger so doesn't practically need any of it but he has plenty of time and money for him but not DS

But is the younger one his gf’s son?

Your friend is doing you absolutely no favours by telling you this stuff and there’s no benefit to you knowing it.

What I was saying about the harassment etc was that he’s never realistically going to be a full part of his dad’s life. If he’s in a family unit with his gf and their child, and she’s not allowed to have anything to do with your child, then there’ll never be full inclusion.

The odd day out isn’t a father/son relationship. I don’t think your son is missing anything by you telling your ex to disappear.

Does he at least pay maintenance?

@OhCaptain sorry missed that. Yes she is other child's mother. They got together in the autumn and she was pregnant within 3 months.

No It probably doesn't help but my friend is an excellent friend in so many ways and she's always there for me. She only told me in a 'can't believe what an arsehole he is that he would do that to x(DS)' way.

Ex himself has been unbelievable started off saying he has to cut down contact to once a month from once a week cause he doesn't get enough time with other child - who he lives with..... when he does turn up he takes them to extended family members and dumps him on them for the majority of the day...

He pays maintenance but tried cutting it down at the same time as contact but now I've said what I've said I wouldn't be surprised if he stopped the money straight away

Well thankfully your child is not pay per view so even if he can’t be arsed to see him for a couple of hours every month, he’s still financially obligated to him.

In short, he’s a flaccid dick of a man and you’re both way better off without him.

@PlanDeRaccordement

Who could do this to a child?

Not all children are better off with two parents.

. when he does turn up he takes them to extended family members and dumps him on them for the majority of the day...

This is what my ex does when he has our boys too. Every 2 weeks is his weekend, and they get dumped off on his mum and dad for overnights and days out. Then he's out on the piss. Makes my blood boil over. I'm so sad for them that they don't have a proper dad. My own dad was incredible when I was a kid, so playful and fun and loving and this is what my boys get.

He's WFH now, and with this coronavirus going on though he's going to have them this weekend isolated, and for a week isolated at Easter. He'll have to step up and look after them in his flat as the GP's can't risk being infected. He'll get a little taster of what I (we) do 2/47 then! can't wait for him to experience it.

I feel for you, but I think you have to resort to the same strategy as me - the ex is never Plan A, B or even Z.

Never rely on him for anything, as it only leads to disappointment. It's hard but it gets easier over time.

Do you have a friend with a large car/van that can help? Pay a little for home delivery?

💐

You’ve just handed that to him that's bollocks and please don't think it's your fault OP. Any half decent parent wouldn't be kept away from their child.

Also please go to the CMS and formalise maintenance. Not seeing his dad will be better for your son than not knowing when he'll be bothered to turn up.

Yep I'm starting to realise this now.

It's just so sad for our children when this happens to them. It was and is all so ridiculous - he has caused all of this, gf doesn't know me I don't know her never even met yet she bombarded me with abuse relentlessly and when she threatened my DS I decided enough was enough and went formal with it through the solicitor.

I asked ex's mum for help and she did nothing except move 250 miles away but texts me every now and again saying how much she misses him

It's a sad world when your child sees your friends, their key workers at nursery and the same member of staff in one shop than they do of their own supposed 'parent' can't even call him that

They're both disgusting excuses for human beings. Welcome to each other totally but I feel sorry for their child too with them as parents.......... 🤷‍♀️

Don’t fall into the trap of being bitter though, @isolatedforever2020.

They sound like arseholes. Threatening a child???

But your ex’s mum hasn’t done anything!

@OhCaptain I know logistically she hasn't done anything wrong, but I told her everything including all the screenshots of abuse from the gf, and asked if she'd help in any way she can, talking to ex, talking to her anything she just didn't do anything. Was happy to sit in my living room skating both of them saying how disgusted she was with all of it (some of it was really despicable I even considered getting the police involved) but ultimately did nothing and still remains best mates with the gf.

But I get that it's still her son and gf, and wants access to their child too so I understand she will be torn.

I'm doing everything I can not to be bitter or anything or let it affect me but I've been putting up with all of this for 2 years and I just decided enough is enough

That was supposed to be slating not skating

Your ex sounds like a complete wanker
How a father can just walk away from a child is beyond me.

I'm sorry for your situation op. But you and your son are definitely better off without him.

Who needs a useless fecker like that around.

It wouldn't matter if you begged him to see his son.... or told him to cut contact, he would do whatever he wanted anyway . And probably what his girlfriend tells him.
Spineless pig.

They sound like a pair of morons.
Your son is too good for them.
Just make sure you're legally getting child support from him.

Some people shouldn't be allowed to reproduce children , my heart is breaking for all those children that get treat like poo on our feet. God bless your son atleast hes got you @isolatedforever2020

@PlanDeRaccordement the story of your DH has broken my heart. Him sitting quietly in his best clothes, having been so excited, is awful.