So angry right now

[isolatedforever2020]

This may be long so apologies in advance but need to rant

My DS's father is useless. He shows no interest in him and reduced his contact with him to a few hours each month in favour of his new child with his girlfriend. Recently I've been doing up DS's room and been looking into getting him some furniture for it to transition out of a nursery and more into a little boys room as he's now 3.5.

I asked ex to collect some bits for it as he has a work van and my car is too small, he came up with excuse after excuse regarding time and money etc even tho I wasn't asking him to pay for any of it.

Then I find out that he's gone and kitted our his other child's room a few days after I mentioned it and it's plastered all over social media.

I'm so so so angry and hurt for DS that he's gonna have to watch this continuing as he grows up knowing that he's 'second best' to the other child.

There are limits in place already via a solicitor about contact with the girlfriend because she's toxic and a nasty person who has already caused a lot of trouble but ex has withdrawn from DS drastically over the past year or so.

I contacted ex today and told him exactly what I think of him and that he needs to stay away for a while whilst he thinks about what he wants.

I really don't think we'll see or hear from him ever again But I just don't know what to do

He really is my world and I couldn't imagine not seeing him every day let alone every week/month

My father was never a part of my life either Isolated just like your ex he was half arsed at best and my lovely mum decided no contact was better that the scraps he could offer. I grew up happy, secure and confident in my mum's love.

I have a teenager at uni now and even though he's happy and thriving sometimes I miss him terribly. Outside of adoption, I cannot imagine the a parent actively choosing to not be a part of their children's life.

Ideally a child will have two parents who love him and respect each other, but sometimes that is not possible. I'm so sorry you have to bear this burden alone but I think in the long run it will be better for your relationship and your son's emotional well being.

Good luck to you and your son

@Winterlife he feels he’s better off without him but he has issues with anxiety and I always wonder whether never knowing whether his dad would turn up or not when he was little has contributed to his problems

Clearly, your ex is not a great father and I'm sure your DS will be fine without him in his life.

Sounds like a lot of game playing though. Screenshots to the MIL, a 'pick me, pick me' situation except using the children. Someone is always going to 'lose' that one. Doesn't excuse the shit father in this scenario because he's at fault for sure. But sometimes, when we roll the dice, there is a chance we'll lose.
The fact that you know what is going on on the gfs social media is worrying. You need to stop that shit. Yeah, I know a 'friend' told you but any decent friend knows that is not helpful and wouldn't be doing that for you.

Ultimately, your child can absolutely be fine with no contact even if it is for your own reasons. The fact that you can enforce that shows what a shit dad he actually is. If you are still trying to 'make him/her pay' just stop. Do what you need to do and move forward with your ds. Be prepared that he will probably seek out his father later on but otherwise, he'll be fine if YOU are fine.

I'm sorry for your son's pain, @MadameJosephine.

@CJsGoldfish thank you for that. I would like to explain that there was no 'pick me' type behaviour regarding his mum or him, at all. It was simply an act of desperation in an attempt t get the gf to stop what she was doing and I'd hoped his mum would be able to help with that. The rest was me just explaining how I feel in my head...... but I do get it and I realise how it came across

I have just moved and have a toddler bed which turns into a child bed you can have for free. I’ve been in that position and if we are close then message me and I’ll happily give it to you.

What was he like as a husband? I just can’t imagine how a parent could do this to their child?

@Hoping4alotterywin thank you so much but I have made arrangements for new bed now.
@Youdreamedmydreamforme he was an ok partner... as soon as we got married it was like a switch had flicked. He was very misogynistic in a way, for example I earned slightly more than him and he couldn't stand it so went and got a job that paid more than me. I got a new car that was newer than his so he got a new one that was newer than my new one... Lies, debts etc which is why when I found out I was pregnant I knew I had to end it as it wasn't a good environment for a child to be bought into...

Cms for child maint too op.

Thank you @Winterlife, things are better at the moment but I’ll always blame myself. That’s the trouble with parenting, you can’t go right for doing wrong. I’ve discussed it with him though and he doesn’t blame me, he’s 23 now and understands that I did what I thought was best at the time

@MadameJosephine

Sorry. You are right. I was indeed very abrupt. But honestly the more independance you achieve the better you will feel in yourself.

@isolatedforever2020 he sounds like an awful husband. I’m sorry you are going through this.

@surlecoup thank you I do understand what you're implying was just trying to explain that I hardly ever ask him for anything - even to do with DS.

No contact has been made at all so guess that tells me everything I need to know 🤷‍♀️