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Original poster

So angry right now

64 replies

isolatedforever2020 · 17/03/2020 16:48

This may be long so apologies in advance but need to rant

My DS's father is useless. He shows no interest in him and reduced his contact with him to a few hours each month in favour of his new child with his girlfriend. Recently I've been doing up DS's room and been looking into getting him some furniture for it to transition out of a nursery and more into a little boys room as he's now 3.5.

I asked ex to collect some bits for it as he has a work van and my car is too small, he came up with excuse after excuse regarding time and money etc even tho I wasn't asking him to pay for any of it.

Then I find out that he's gone and kitted our his other child's room a few days after I mentioned it and it's plastered all over social media.

I'm so so so angry and hurt for DS that he's gonna have to watch this continuing as he grows up knowing that he's 'second best' to the other child.

There are limits in place already via a solicitor about contact with the girlfriend because she's toxic and a nasty person who has already caused a lot of trouble but ex has withdrawn from DS drastically over the past year or so.

I contacted ex today and told him exactly what I think of him and that he needs to stay away for a while whilst he thinks about what he wants.

I really don't think we'll see or hear from him ever again But I just don't know what to do SadSadSad

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 17/03/2020 19:08

The best thing you could do here is ignore them and concentrate all of your energy on your son.
I can't imagine how stressful this situation is for you. It must use up a lot of brain power.

Perhaps ask your friend not to tell you anything she's seen on social media too from now on.

And well I wouldn't expect much from his mother if that's the kind of man she raised and sees no problem with his behaviour towards her grandson.

Things will get better when you are well rid.

saraclara · 17/03/2020 19:08

Your friend is doing you absolutely no favours by telling you this stuff and there’s no benefit to you knowing it.

However good a friend she is to you, you need to ask her not to feed you this stuff. It's really not helpful. It doesn't need to be a difficult conversation. Simply say that it's turning out that knowing too much about your ex's other family is proving detrimental to your mental health (which is why they're blocked on SM) so would she mind not telling you about what she reads.

RandomMess · 17/03/2020 19:08

If he doesn't pay maintenance just go to CMS.

Please build Your life without him, DS deserves so much better as do you Thanks

Original poster
isolatedforever2020 · 17/03/2020 19:15

@No
And well I wouldn't expect much from his mother if that's the kind of man she raised and sees no problem with his behaviour towards her grandson
^ this is exactly what I was trying to explain Notime..... what is happening/happened is not directly her fault but I feel I still have authority to be mad at her....

I think it's decided, I'm going to cut the contact for good. I think what Pp said about me handing it to him is spot on because he's been waiting for this for ages just won't allow it to come from him because then other people will see who he really is, much better for him to just wait for it to come from me then he can tell everything it's all my fault and I've stopped him seeing him and he still 'looks good' to others

OP posts:
Winterlife · 17/03/2020 19:24

I think you’re making the right decision. Your son is young enough that it won’t register with him. Surround him with people who love him.

Register for child maintenance. If the ex wants to contact you, he can do so. I wouldn’t block him, as I would want to tell my son I didn’t hinder the relationship with his father. In your I’d tell his mother there is nothing stopping her from seeing her grandson, it’s her choice, and her empty texts are useless. But, I wouldn’t blame her for the actions of her useless son.

SuperlativeScrubs · 17/03/2020 19:27

Take him for Child Support and cut him off other than that. He is obviously precious about his finances but at the end of the day he has an obligation to provide financially for his child, no matter how little he see's him.

Booboooo · 17/03/2020 19:30

Awful situation all together OP. What sort of abuse were you getting off the other woman if you'd never met? And how did she threaten your little one?

Notimeforaname · 17/03/2020 19:32

much better for him to just wait for it to come from me then he can tell everything it's all my fault and I've stopped him seeing him and he still 'looks good' to others

No adult with even half a brain cell would believe this..... Any decent human being would know that a good parent would fight tooth and nail for their child....

So even if you did tell him never to come near your child again (which you didn't you told him to take a break and have a think) he still looks like a useless arse who did nothing for his child.

You sound sound like you've made uo yiir mind op. Good for you. At least your son has one loving parent willing to do anything for him Wink

Notimeforaname · 17/03/2020 19:34

Made up your mind *
Jesus, words are hard today Hmm

SchadenfreudePersonified · 17/03/2020 19:37

not one present, not even a card for him. He then had to sit there in his best church clothes, be polite all day eat Christmas dinner with them and then go back home with absolutely nothing. He felt worthless and unlovable. He is in his fifties and it still is a painful memory.

This is one of the most heartbreaking things I've ever read.

Your poor boy - I'm not surprised it's stayed with him all of his life.

Original poster
isolatedforever2020 · 17/03/2020 19:40

Thank you so much everyone for your kind words and advice.

The abuse and harassment varied; stupid petty messages, random words and emojis with no meaning, ridiculous accusations towards me and DS accusing him of being spiteful towards her and hers and ex's child which she later admitted wasn't true, posts on social media directed at me and my family including DS which were extremely offensive. Altogether in a meeting with my solicitor regarding the harassment and abuse I presented her (the solicitor) with 19 pages of evidence including print outs and screen shots.

Ona separate note I've just put DS to bed and as I was walking out the door he sat up and said 'love you mummy' and I burst into tears. He is so loveable and unaware atm (which I'm a thankful for) and he doesn't deserve any of it. I look at him and my heart shatters into a million pieces thinking "how could anyone not want to see you? Be around you all the time and experience the being that is you" makes me so angry 💙💙💙

OP posts:
Original poster
isolatedforever2020 · 17/03/2020 19:43

@PlanDeRaccordement It's so sad..... ex did this to DS for Christmas and his birthday (which are very close together) saw him once On a non related day then eventually turned up 4 weeks later with a card and that was it. Suppose I should be thankful that he even got him a card No small gift, bag of chocolate even nothing...... but your poor DH didn't get anything At all Sad

OP posts:
Healthyandhappy · 17/03/2020 19:44

How long was u together b4 u had your son. X

Original poster
isolatedforever2020 · 17/03/2020 19:46

@Healthyandhappy together for 3 years then married for 2.... Split up when I was pregnant. He was fairly involved in DS life until the gf came along (and no that's not me blaming her I'm just giving timelines) so for about the first year or so or his life

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 17/03/2020 19:51

I think the problem with your DS bedroom was your ex not wanting to do you a favour. Just don't ask, then you know where you are. If your DS likes to see his dad and extended family I wouldn't issue ultimatums.

Notimeforaname · 17/03/2020 19:54

isolatedforever2020
It's so sad reading your updates, your poor little guy 😢

He really sounds like a useless creature.
A waste of space.
Well, you've gotten the best you can from him, you got your baby.
And you both adore each other.

You will find some relief in cutting the contact.
You are all that your son needs Wink

Notimeforaname · 17/03/2020 19:58

RedHelenB
OP just asked him to stay away for a while to think about what he wants. Not really an ultimatum.
It's a fair request since he always picks and chooses when he shows upConfused

PeppermintPasty · 17/03/2020 19:59

@PlanDeRaccordement my heart weeps for the child your husband once was, and the sad memories he carries. Tell him that random strangers on the internet think he’s worthy, we see his pain. Ugh I can’t bear what people do to one another.

OP, I had something similar going on when my beautiful ds was little. Let me tell you, he is lucky to have you, he will be ok. My ds is 13 now and hasn’t seen the bastard father for 7/8 years. He is totally fine, a really happy, well-adjusted boy.

surlecoup · 17/03/2020 20:00

Have some self-respect and stop expecting your ex to do things for you. Even if you think it’s for the benefit of your child it’s still asking him to do a favour for you.

Healthyandhappy · 17/03/2020 20:02

Guarantee he won like it when u have a new fella. Let him see inlaws but just leave x husband hanging. All u son needs is u x

Roselilly36 · 17/03/2020 20:03

You sound a lovely mum. Of course you feel hurt for your DS. As an adult that was denied contact with my dad, think carefully about it. I so wish my dad had been in my life & it was my decision to make.

MadameJosephine · 17/03/2020 20:06

My XH was similar, had loads of time for his latest girlfriend but dipped in and out of DS’s life for years. I tried my best to facilitate a relationship for DS’s sake but in retrospect I’m not sure I did the right thing, he let him down once too often and finally when he was 15 he was let down on his birthday because his dad decided on the day that he didn’t have petrol money to take him camping as promised. I snapped and told him ‘if you can’t be bothered to be a father to your son the just fuck off and don’t contact him again’ and we never saw him again. He sends a birthday card (usually in the wrong month) telling him how much he ‘misses him and thinks about him every day’ but it’s been 8 years and he’s never made any effort to see him

Winterlife · 17/03/2020 20:12

@MadameJosephine, how does your son feel about it now?

Original poster
isolatedforever2020 · 17/03/2020 20:14

Surlecoup I feel that is a little harsh even tho I think I understand what you're saying. We still share a flat together (legally - we do NOT live together) and I never ever ask him to do anything around the house - if he has the facilities to do something for his own child as he does nothing else for him at all then why wouldn't I ask him? If I was asking him to do me actual favours for me then I'd completely agree and wouldn't (and don't) even ask in the first place cause that's not his job any more

Thank you to everyone who is being so kind. He really is my world and I couldn't imagine not seeing him every day let alone every week/month

OP posts:
Original poster
isolatedforever2020 · 17/03/2020 20:17

Roselily I completely appreciate what you're saying. I'm not in the market for completely cutting off their relationship completely and forever when DS is older I will discuss it with him factually in an age appropriate way and let him decide from there I just don't want to be in a position where he tried but ex doesn't want to know which is how I feel it would go

OP posts:
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