To think you help in these circumstances?

[NeighbourlyNeighbour]

Next door neighbours have two children. Their 6 year old is in hospital about 50 miles away as that’s the nearest childrens hospital (She had an operation not related to CV).

They also have a 4 year old.

The 6 year old is in Year 1 with my DD (aged 5), the 4 year old in Reception. One of the parents works and although has used some AL they can’t afford for that parent to not be working at least contract hours. The hospital also expects a parent to be on the premises with the older child even if not bedside.

So I’ve been helping with the 4 year old. Dropping her at school or picking her up. Feeding her meals, taking her to after school activities and just hoping to keep some semblance of normality for her. She spends her weekends visiting her sister until she’s allowed home.

I do all this for free. The neighbours are lovely. I am a single parent and they have always said if DD is well enough to be at school but I am not well enough to take her they’d walk her there, a couple of times they’ve taken her in the car with them when it’s been raining so she doesn’t get wet. They’ve also picked her up a couple of times for me when I’ve been running late from work to save me childcare costs. Even if they weren’t I’d still do it, because I think that it takes a village to raise a child and I want to set the example to my child that we do something not for the reward but because it’s the right thing to do. My DD and the 6 year old are friends at school invite each other to birthday parties etc and DD likes the 4 year old enough to have invited her to her party last year and they do talk when she’s here after school about school and their activities and similar. 4 year old is always really well behaved, a bit quiet at times but I think she’s missing her parents and sister. If my DD has activities and the 4 year old is there she either tags along with us or I take her to do something else like go to the library.

My mum says she’d not do it, even if the family couldn’t afford childcare. She says that’s what paid for childcare is for and she thinks it’s cheeky of me to ask them to help me out occasionally too. She says she’d not even do it for a family member and she’s glad I never expected childcare from her after I left my husband. She’s saying the least my neighbours can do is pay me what they’d pay wrap around club at school. This is the woman who won't even babysit for an hour so I can attend parent information evenings or parents evening at school.

We’re not the closest of friends but we live near each other. And they’ve always shown me understanding and kindness. It’s not much for me to help them out.

It’s likely to only be for another few weeks, unless CV prevents the older child being discharged. But AIBU? My mum seems to think I am

Vote:
YABU – Stop helping them
YANBU – Keep doing it

Don't listen to your Mother, or turn into the type of person that she is.

I'm possibly her generation and this used to be the norm, helping each other out.

I take it that she isn't doing any volunteering, through this crisis, either?

It's amazing you have turned out so empathetic op given your dm is a nasty witch!!

I had a dc in hospital for long periods. Worrying about dc at home adds to your misery...
to you!!

Your mum seems nice

If you have no issue with it, why would you stop?

You’re lovely (and normal). I’d like to have you as a neighbour.

Not so sure about your mum though.

You’re being very kind and your mum isn’t exactly full of the milk of human kindness. What’s it to her if you help your neighbours who are going through a terrible time? No skin off her nose is it.

Oh my god you are a saint. You are a wonderfully empathetic person & are probably a life line to that family.

Please continue

Glad to hear you have not taken after your mother OP. She doesn't sound very caring. It is good of you to help your neighbour in their time of need and it sounds as though there is mutual benefit with helping each other out. Keep doing what you're doing. Shame a lot more people aren't as kind as you are.

You essentially have a parenting cooperative where you trade parenting services instead of paying money for a service. There is nothing wrong with your neighbour helping you in return for you helping them. There is a slight imbalance now, but one would hope if it tipped to them helping you more, they’d still help you and not demand money.

These are more common than people think. When my children were young we had one with other parents where we’d take turns having an adult day or evening out and another couple would babysit our kids. Then in return, we’d babysit another couples kids so they could go out. Over time, it expanded to be much like what you describe although our cooperative had dozens of families in the community signed up. It was all very fluid and relaxed. I think we got as much out of it as we gave. For example, for two years we would have children after school until five or six pm because their parents working hours. But then our children would be at someone’s house during holidays, term breaks in return.
I would ignore your mum. There is nothing wrong with what you are doing. It’s bartering and equitable even though no money changes hands.

My mum is the same as yours; she won't do anything ever to help anyone else out and on the very rare occasion she's done anything for me she huffed and puffed and moaned. As a teen, a friend became very unwell with anorexia and was hospitalised. My mum told me repeatedly during her illness that if I was in that situation I'd be on my own and no way would she be looking after me or going backwards and forwards from a hospital.

You're a very nice person, you mum doesn't sound like one.

You're a very kind person op and what a good example you are to your child. I'm guessing you're a lifeline to this family, they are helping you in return and don't appear to be taking advantage. Carry on as you are.

On another note, it's good to know there are people like you in the world (very un-mumsnetty, I know).

Your mum sounds a rum un....

Well, YABU to even consider your mum's opinion seeing as she's clearly not a very nice person!

I think what you're doing is great. as with all these kinds of things, it's when the person you are helping starts to take the piss that it becomes problem. But from the sounds of things, you have a lovely reciprocal arrangement currently and the parents ,and child, are grateful. You are
doing more than them but that's because they have a child in hospital. From what you've said, I'd expect it to swing the other way at another time - eg when you were asked to do extra shifts at work and need emergency childcare for your DD.

Please keep doing this.

My mum would be a bit like this. Bloody selfish baby boomers!
I think you're doing exactly the right thing

When my ds was in hospital for the first time I wouldn’t have coped without people’s kindness!

And I didn’t offer to pay them while it was going on, I have to admit. Because it just didn’t dawn on me. However I absolutely offered to pay when I took my head out of my arse!

They refused and instead got flowers, wine, and a restaurant voucher. I know even if I hadn’t given them anything they’d have done it for me.

And I have always taken the opportunity to return their kindness.

Imagine how awful the world would be if none of us helped just because it was the right thing to do!

You’re lovely, OP. Just watch out for Covid!

@poppymatilda
"My mum would be a bit like this. Bloody selfish baby boomers!"

Don't be so ageist to judge everyone on your Mother. There was a big sense of community in the older baby boomers and people helped each other.

Your Mum sounds rather cruel, just be glad you didn’t inherit her selfishness.

Your Mum is the unreasonable one here. You are a kind person and it's lovely that you can help your neighbours and they help you too. Especially when they are going through a very difficult time.
If more people were like this the world would be a much better place.

OP I think you may have broken Mumsnet because there's 100% agreement YANBU!

Your mum sounds extremely selfish. Of course you should continue to help out your neighbour. Why wouldn't you? They have helped you out before and, if you were in their circumstances, they sound like they would do the same for you.

You clearly don't take after your mum, (thank goodness). I'd suggest not telling your mum about any help you give in future though as you don't need her comments about it.

You mum has an awful attitude.

You are doing what normal people do. Not even excessively kind just normal . And the family they are the same back to you. This is how it should be.

I understand people seeing this as kind, as society today can be awful and it is kind of you but the point I'm making is that this should be normal. And I see it as normal.

Ignore your mean mum. You are doing a very good thing op 😊

Your mother sounds like a piece of work - selfish comes to mind. Be thankful you’re not like that.

Your mum won't even help out her own daughter when needed.
Don't listen to her. She's not a nice person.
Luckily - YOU ARE!!!
What you are doing is great and probably such a relief for the other parents.
They help you and you help them.
If they were complete CF's then that would different. But they don't appear to be.
Keep doing it OP.
You are a gem!!!

Your mother is a bitch and you and your neighbours sound lovely caring people. Ignore her.