To think you help in these circumstances?

[NeighbourlyNeighbour]

Next door neighbours have two children. Their 6 year old is in hospital about 50 miles away as that’s the nearest childrens hospital (She had an operation not related to CV).

They also have a 4 year old.

The 6 year old is in Year 1 with my DD (aged 5), the 4 year old in Reception. One of the parents works and although has used some AL they can’t afford for that parent to not be working at least contract hours. The hospital also expects a parent to be on the premises with the older child even if not bedside.

So I’ve been helping with the 4 year old. Dropping her at school or picking her up. Feeding her meals, taking her to after school activities and just hoping to keep some semblance of normality for her. She spends her weekends visiting her sister until she’s allowed home.

I do all this for free. The neighbours are lovely. I am a single parent and they have always said if DD is well enough to be at school but I am not well enough to take her they’d walk her there, a couple of times they’ve taken her in the car with them when it’s been raining so she doesn’t get wet. They’ve also picked her up a couple of times for me when I’ve been running late from work to save me childcare costs. Even if they weren’t I’d still do it, because I think that it takes a village to raise a child and I want to set the example to my child that we do something not for the reward but because it’s the right thing to do. My DD and the 6 year old are friends at school invite each other to birthday parties etc and DD likes the 4 year old enough to have invited her to her party last year and they do talk when she’s here after school about school and their activities and similar. 4 year old is always really well behaved, a bit quiet at times but I think she’s missing her parents and sister. If my DD has activities and the 4 year old is there she either tags along with us or I take her to do something else like go to the library.

My mum says she’d not do it, even if the family couldn’t afford childcare. She says that’s what paid for childcare is for and she thinks it’s cheeky of me to ask them to help me out occasionally too. She says she’d not even do it for a family member and she’s glad I never expected childcare from her after I left my husband. She’s saying the least my neighbours can do is pay me what they’d pay wrap around club at school. This is the woman who won't even babysit for an hour so I can attend parent information evenings or parents evening at school.

We’re not the closest of friends but we live near each other. And they’ve always shown me understanding and kindness. It’s not much for me to help them out.

It’s likely to only be for another few weeks, unless CV prevents the older child being discharged. But AIBU? My mum seems to think I am

Vote:
YABU – Stop helping them
YANBU – Keep doing it

@poppymatilda baby boomers? Maybe just call them our parents and show a little respect. My whole existence would collapse if it wasn't for my baby boomer parents helping with childcare as well as other things.

You sound extremely lovely, OP. And it sounds like a reciprocal/cooperative arrangement, so if or when you need support yourself it will hopefully be there for you too.

I would only say, be careful not to tire yourself out or it will be counter-productive.
I remember when I was a child my mum helping out with our NDN; a bit different as the problem there was that she was elderly and got increasingly unable to do for herself and housebound, but my mum would cook for her, run errands etc and it got too much. I remember her looking harassed and tired, and my dad eventually having to gently step in and basically tell her to stop for her own sake.
Not saying that will definitely happen for you, but just wanted to say.
But, again, you're lovely!

Not saying that will definitely happen for you, but just wanted to say.

I have always said my DD is my priority and they've always been fine if I say I can't help for whatever reason, and have always managed to book wraparound if needed (I assume school are aware of the situation and making sure the wraparound club take the 4 year old if needed).

It's brilliant that you have someone who you can rely on and who relies on you - especially as your mum's an arsehole who's only out for herself.

You're doing such a lovely thing for that family you beautiful person you

That's great, OP.

I hope your awful excuse of a mother doesn’t expect you to look after her in her dotage?

Your mum will be the first one saying it's your duty to care for her if she becomes frail or is impacted by CV.

"It's not childcare! It's different!" she will whine.

Just ignore your DM. If she keeps going on about it ask 'and how exactly is this affecting you?'. It's none of her business.

Congratulations OP you are a proper member of society who understands that community and neighborhood relationships are important and good safety net!
No sarcasm. Honestly. It's lovely to hear about people helping each other!

When I was 5 years old, my sister and I were both hit with a virus. She was a toddler and ended up in the hospital inside an oxygen tent. A parent had to it by her side at all times because keeping a toddler happy inside a bubble is next to impossible. My father also had to work as much as they could manage to keep paying the bills. We are in the u.s. so her hospitalization was expensive.

During this time I had a stream of random neighbors caring for me. I was too sick to really get out of bed much. I would dose off and a new person would be there bringing me food.

I don’t know what my parents would have done if the neighbors had not helped. They couldn’t be everywhere at once.

Thank you for helping your neighbor.

You sound like a lovely person, op. Your Mum, not so much

Neither of you are being unreasonable as such but I know which one I would want as a friend and which I one I would avoid at all costs.

your mum sounds awful!
absolutely keep helping this family if you can !

You sound wonderful and it doesn't sound as though sick child's parents are CFs as they reciprocate with help, even little things like a lift when it's raining.

You sound like you have a lovely reciprocal friendship and kind attitude.

Your mum sounds like a selfish person who won't find herself helped when she needs it.

It's up to you if you help them or not. But it does sound a lot of work.

If you are happy to do it, why do care about what your mum thinks or need to post about it here? Unless you want a big slap on the back or something. I'm always agog on here about people helping their friends and neighbours. It's what people always have done. If someone is taking the piss then fair enough.

Do it! Your mum has a mean attitude. This family has a sick child in hospital, they need support.

'Come and do your shopping, Mum?' 'Help you after discharge from hospital/with coronavirus?' 'Take you to your hospital appointment?'

'Surely that's what delivery services, home helps and taxi drivers are there for?'

Your mother is irrelevant. What has this to do with her?

You’re being VERY kind & lovely 🌷. It’ll make the world of difference to them!

Your mother, not so much!

But she’s laid her stall out, she wouldn’t be prepared to help you, so don’t you feel the need to help her!

You are being kind and lovely.

Some years ago both my sets of NDNs helped me out in an awful situation and I will be forever grateful to them for what they did.

I'm sure it is greatly appreciated. I hope the kindness is returned when they are in a better position.

If you want to keep helping and accepting help, then do it.

Why do you need the permission of your mother or strangers online??

As long as it is mutually beneficial and you're all okay with it it's fine, surely?

As long as you are happy to do it carry on