Is it the end of the road?

[takethepi55]

A while ago my OH and their DC moved in to my home.
There have been the usual teething problems, which I expect but I'm beginning to feel uneasy about the situation.

I more or less do everything in the home (I have no issue with this at all) I've always kept a tidy, organised home but now it's just a tip. OH does do things but isn't the tidiest person, I have to go around daily picking up clothes, collecting used dishes to wash, picking up random stuff that's left lying around left, right and centre. I asked numerous times for some help and for everyone to pull their weight. The DC do nothing, my own DC used to pull their weight before but now seems to think they don't have to.

I'm tired of it. I spend all week cleaning and sorting everything for the weekend to arrive and i can't keep on top of it all again.

There are other issues too that I don't want to go into here but I just feel lost and like a robot doing everything day in day out. I love my OH dearly but I can't help but feel like enough is enough.

How much has this been discussed? As in ‘this is becoming a deal breaker for me, everyone has to clear up after themselves and contribute here,’ not a general moan about doing everything yourself.

This would drive me insane and would drive a massive wedge between us but I would definitely make major efforts to communicate first.

It's been discussed at length numerous times. I just feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall.

Just dump dirty things on peoples beds. My DH luckily is generally tidy and knows mess annoys me. My DD is getting lazy as F and I have said I am not here to pick up after her. I am making her a checklist of things she needs to do before she can touch her ipad. Instead of cleaning up after her I have started to call her into the room that needs sorting and tell her to crack on.

If my DH was messy we would not be together. My ex used to tell me I was the messy one. My house is always tidy and his is deffonthe messy one. I think that is why DD is messier here as she can dump things there whereas all my washing is put away and sorted wven when it is dirty we have seperate washing baskets for colours, whites and towels!

I feel for you as I couldn't deal with it!

I'd say that perhaps you've found out that you are incompatible with reference to living together, and OH and his DC are either incapable or unwilling to change or compromise.

I've dumped the random stuff on beds or left them where they are and it makes no difference. I can go into every room and have to tidy up after whoever has been in there. The only place I have to escape is my room. It's clean, it's tidy and no one can cleave their crap all over the place.

For instance kitchen I can wash the dishes and tidy round then someone will come in make food and leave it a tip, empty packets and rubbish get left on the counter instead of being put in the bin.
The bathroom - empty loo rolls left on the side, any products that have been used not put away, wee all over the toilet.

That's just a small selection of things that are really getting me down. But I have voiced my opinion and I honestly don't think anything will ever change.

I think you are not compatible OP - you might have had some chance if it was just him but as he has DC who are the same as him and everyone now seems to think you are the hired help (but unpaid) I would cut my losses and tell him he needs to move out.

DO not give him any more chances.

BTW - where was he living before he moved in? And also, do the DC live with him full time?

Its your house FFS, what a bunch of inconsiderate muppets.

Time for a house meeting - written rules, chores assigned to named individuals? They need to understand that you are serious.

They have gained a housekeeper op.. That's the level of respect you have gained.
Eviction notice for the week ends seems fair imo..

It’s time for them to go.

You are incompatible. If they’re not willing to make more effort then it is what it is.

They’re all lazy fuckers using you as their personal maid. You need to tell them right now that the current set up is not working and tell your OH if things don’t change, they will have to go.

I've said numerous times I just feel like the maid. OH doesn't seem to think it's an issue that their DC don't do anything. They won't risk upsetting the applecart with them by being authoritative.
The DC are with OH full time. And that's another issue or parenting styles are totally different. My DC don't rule my life or tell me what to do.

I really don't want to end things because of this as I feel petty but it's also something I feel really strongly about too. From reading the replies here it doesn't look like IABU.

How is hating being treated like a skivvy being petty??
Imo unless you accepted such standards from your own dc you like hell should accept it from someone else's dc!!
Quite angry for you op.
My ds's now live ft with me after years of a lazy carefree life with exh.
They pull their weight...
They knew it was non negotiable..

Surely you mean you are NOT being unreasonable?
You are not his maid, your standards matter. In any partnership there has to be some MUTUAL compromises. You may need to accept a little bit more mess than you prefer, but your partner also has to accept they need to keep things tidier than they are used to. It's not all one way. You have a right to be comfortable in your own home. Your partner needs to step up or get out.
I know of some really good, strong partnerships (including a couple of long marriages with children) where the couple can't actually live together, but happily live in nearby flats taking turns living in each others space and retiring to their own space when they want or need. Their children seem to move happily between houses and regimes without difficulty as well! It seemed a bit odd to me at first, but having seen how well it's worked I am surprised more people don't consider alternative living to suit themselves.

Oops, didn't read your post properly OP. You have realised you are not being unreasonable at all. You are totally right.

if you've had that many conversations and nothing changes then its completely obvious the lot of them think of you as a skivvy and taking advantage.
I would ask them all to leave. No way would I put up with anyone elses children let alone ones that you cant even tell what to do in your own home.
This is enough to end this op.

I'd give him/her an ultimatum and make it clear he/she will have to move out if they're not listening to you on this.

You are not their skivvy.

My DSS has just come back to live with us FT as a young adult and I feel your pain. We are looking to make a list of rules that he has to stick to but I know it won't happen. Luckily my OH is in agreement with me. Unfortunately he isn't great at following through on these things though.
It is going to be a long few months in our house. But I will be putting my foot down. Or losing the plot!! x

Thankyou everyone. I plan on saying what I need to later on.
I totally agree with PP who said it works both ways. I accept extra people etc being here means it won't be the same as it used to be but it doesn't mean that I'm the general dogsbody either.

It's your life, your home.

Blended families can be a huge challenge. I think there's a lot to be said for keeping the households separate while DC are still living at home. It doesn't mean you have to break up.

I really don't want to end things because of this as I feel petty
It's not petty and actually pretty fundamental. You need to end it and kick them out. You have one life. Do you want to spend it being the maid for a man and his kids? If so, crack on. If not, you need to put your big girl pants on and end it. There are better men out there.

What you are describing sounds like my absolute nightmare.They treat like the help. Actually, worse. The help gets paid but because you have a vagina, they have decided that you are lesser than they are and you can clean up after them. OP, this is YOUR house, YOUR life, YOUR decision.

At best, you are incompatible. At worst, he does not value or respect you at all. I certainly wouldn't treat someone I love like that.

Do you think it is worth giving an ultimatum?
Do you think you would be better suited living in separate homes?

You need some house rules. DC need daily chores with consequences for not carrying them out. Iv made my own dc clean toilet before when they have made a continuous mess. We also have saturday morning clean up where everyone mucks in a.d gets a room to sort and clean

Life is too short, you need to put your happiness first. Time to say goodbye

Treating your home and you with such disrespect. It's a huge thing, shows how little they value you including your OH.

Just explain that living together isn't working for you and they need to move back out.

I would seriously feel like your OH is just looking for a woman to do his family wifework... when he lived with the DC on his own was his home left in the state they leave yours in?

I'm going to tell them I feel dragged down. I'm leaving all the crap today that's been left over the weekend to prove my point. I'll clean around it where I can but I'm not taking responsibility for everyone else's laziness. Because that's what it boils down to.
As long as everyone else is getting and doing what they want it feels like I'm just here to be a lackey.