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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it the end of the road?

94 replies

takethepi55 · 16/03/2020 09:04

A while ago my OH and their DC moved in to my home.
There have been the usual teething problems, which I expect but I'm beginning to feel uneasy about the situation.

I more or less do everything in the home (I have no issue with this at all) I've always kept a tidy, organised home but now it's just a tip. OH does do things but isn't the tidiest person, I have to go around daily picking up clothes, collecting used dishes to wash, picking up random stuff that's left lying around left, right and centre. I asked numerous times for some help and for everyone to pull their weight. The DC do nothing, my own DC used to pull their weight before but now seems to think they don't have to.

I'm tired of it. I spend all week cleaning and sorting everything for the weekend to arrive and i can't keep on top of it all again.

There are other issues too that I don't want to go into here but I just feel lost and like a robot doing everything day in day out. I love my OH dearly but I can't help but feel like enough is enough.

OP posts:
Dishwashersaurous · 16/03/2020 12:28

He knows that this is important to you- having a relatively clean and tidy house. And yet he does nothing, nothing at all to facilitate it.

He honestly is showing you how little he thinks of you and that your feelings and wants don’t matter

Ponoka7 · 16/03/2020 12:30

So before you say that your Partner doesn't see it, or can't step in for his children, did he live in a hovel, with days worth of rubbish on the sides in the kitchen?

If his children won't tidy up after themselves, then he does it.

I don't blame your children for taking a stand tbh. It can't be nice living with people who disrespect their home and Mother so much. I think that they might be trying to make you see sense.

ChewChewIsMySpiritAnimal · 16/03/2020 12:31

You already know what you need to do. Flowers

Winter2020 · 16/03/2020 12:34

As a family can you afford a cleaner? Even better is if you have separate finances can your other half afford a cleaner - then you can do your cleaning and he can pay for his share.

Do the teenagers get pocket money? Tell them unless they do their chores/rota that you set their pocket money is also getting diverted to pay the cleaner another hour so she can do their chores. They do the work or they pay for the work.

Ohdearymeshame · 16/03/2020 12:36

Maybe ask him to move out and just date if that suits you both better? Some people are not meant to live together.

Winter2020 · 16/03/2020 12:38

Alternative idea (as you sound so fed up) book yourself a night or two in a travel lodge etc if you can afford it - or visit a friend for a couple of nights and tell them all you are going because you can't stand the mess and when you get back you expect it to be clean and tidy and for them to have worked out a rota.

Original poster
takethepi55 · 16/03/2020 12:40

We could afford a cleaner but I'm the type who would be cleaning before the cleaner came over. But I don't want a cleaner I just want a bit of respect and consideration.

Other than sheer laziness and being self centred there's absolutely no reason why they can't get off their arses and clear up their own mess.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 16/03/2020 12:43

They are lazy slobs they will never see your point of view, just live separately.

Original poster
takethepi55 · 16/03/2020 12:43

@winter2020 I almost did that yesterday. I went out to try and buy groceries and found myself driving in no particular direction just because I didn't want to go home. I actually dread going out and seeing what state the place is going to be in when I get back.

Before living together we've holidayed together and the apartments were always a mess and I couldn't cope then with the disorder but I did think maybe it's because we're away and you are supposed to be relaxing on holiday.

OP posts:
Wereallsquare · 16/03/2020 12:49

It is not just about the cleaning. It is about what the mess represents: a callous disregard for the severe distress OP is experiencing. A cleaner cannot fix that. A talk cannot fix that. Only the respect of changed behaviour can begin to address the problem. I just don't think that your partner and his kids are capable of that. If they were, you wouldn't have to tell them twice.

RandomMess · 16/03/2020 12:49

You are fundamentally incompatible to share a home so they have to move out, it's making you ill FGs

rookiemere · 16/03/2020 12:49

Oh dear. My teen DS is a slobby nightmare, but at least I can chastise him and as he's mine it's not as bad, but someone else's DCs doing the same in my house would drive me insane.

Have you tried giving your DP an ultimatum over this ? I know you have talked to him about it before, but is it worth giving him a 2 week last chance saloon deadline and see if that prompts any improvement?

CallmeAngelina · 16/03/2020 12:54

Lots of assumptions here about the gender of the OH.

Original poster
takethepi55 · 16/03/2020 12:54

No I've never gone down the ultimatum route as I've never been sure if it's me that's being picky and unreasonable. This thread has given me confidence to realise that I'm not being unfair or picky.

OP posts:
Original poster
takethepi55 · 16/03/2020 12:54

OH is male

OP posts:
MauriceandAlec · 16/03/2020 12:56

FFS. What Fizzy said. Where is your self-respect? The whole 'they' and trying to leave out the sex of 'OH' because you think it'll make a difference to the responses, give over! Read the 'Wife should do more' thread, a lazy, slob is a lazy slob. Your first clue was the messy holiday apartments.

Fuck bloody talks, chats, discussions, rotas or bloody paying to stay away from your own home in hope these lazy twats will shape up.

People like this do not change. This is who they are.

It's the middle of March. That's over a fortnight's notice.

'We are not going to live together any more. You have until the end of the month to clear out and I'll have to throw you all out.' And then you get a backbone and some self-respect and do it or accept that your life will be miserable living in a shit tip and treated like a skivvy by your using boyfriend. The choice is yours.

billy1966 · 16/03/2020 12:58

OP, please don't kid yourself with the bullshit that perhaps they can't see the mess.....they can all see it, but they don't give a damn, and are simply playing chicken with you!

Of course its affected your MH.
Living in a chaotic mess and it being down to you to endlessly try and stay on top of it would drive any reasonable person mad.

Your best hope is to put those big girl pa ts on and get him and his children out of your home.

Put yourself firstFlowers

BovaryX · 16/03/2020 12:59

It sounds like you know the answer yourself and you are trying to establish whether the majority on here agree with you. My take? Boot the entire lot out the door. And close it firmly behind them. This is making you miserable and for good reason. Time to hit the eject button.

MauriceandAlec · 16/03/2020 13:00

And next time you're dating and their home is a shit tip, or their car, that's them showing you who they are, a pig who doesn't care if they live in a shit tip. If that's okay with you, then be all means proceed, but never live together.

Original poster
takethepi55 · 16/03/2020 13:02

I didn't deliberately leave out the sex of OH to see if I got different opinions because either way male or female it doesn't matter what gender they are.

I posted on here just to get some perspective on the whole thing as I genuinely wasn't sure if I was just being picky and unreasonable.

OP posts:
MauriceandAlec · 16/03/2020 13:05

You're not picky enough. These slobs are using you. They don't give a fuck. It's just another place to doss. They'll find another one, it's how they roll, hence the shit up holiday apartments. You need to get rid. And don't date again until you do the Freedom Programme at a minimum. You need stronger boundaries. These people don't care and will never change.

Riv · 16/03/2020 13:07

Flowers good luck op. It’s going to be tough. Sending strong positive thoughts.

VettiyaIruken · 16/03/2020 13:11

They've shown they don't actually give a shit how you feel. Aw yes poor you sorry, yeah it's not great...

Words words words.

Just to shut you up for a bit.

They won't change because they're happy to have you do it all.

I'd tell them to leave tbh.
If they stay then enjoy being a maid for the rest of your life.
Not sure it's worth it really. Are you?

madcatladyforever · 16/03/2020 13:12

This isn't working and also they are abusing YOUR home. I could not do that to another person. There doesn't seem to be much respect going on here.
I think the time has come for them all to move out as this experiment is not working and is affecting your DC's behaviour also.
Better for them to live out than to break up. You can move in together once the kids have left home.

LorenzoStDubois · 16/03/2020 13:14

I'd tell them they're out.
you had a go and it didn't work. cheerio.

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