Three under five...am I mad?!

[helloskinnylove]

I have 2DSs, one almost 3, the other almost 1. I'm almost 37. I've always seen us having 3 kids and am really tempted to try for another. I feel under pressure timing wise because of my age, so am tempted to try sooner rather than later (although if I was younger I would probably wait another year or two).

So...has anyone done 3 under 5? Or even 3 under 4?!! How was it? I have a fairly responsible city job that I would like to keep (4 days a week), but we also have a nanny which helps a lot. I am scared that if I leave it much longer I'll have difficulty conceiving, but equally scared we won't be able to cope with 3 (although so far 2 hasn't been too bad!)

My friend had four under four. She managed (although she sometimes needed an extra pair of hands to push the second pushchair).

She used to have two in the bike trailer, one on a bike seat and the eldest on her own bike aswell... She was extremely fit!

does it have to be rational though?

Bringing a new person into your home, A decision with lifelong consequences for everyone who lives in your home, alters the resources currently available to everyone who lives in your home- not just short term- permanently, carries with it potential health risks for the mother, who- if the worst happened would be leaving 2/3 children motherless and a husband to raise them as a single parent, carries the risk of bringing an ill child into the world that may need lifelong care, and endure lots of pain and suffering, potential impact on current and future earning capacity.

Yes- that should be a rational decision. Anyone who doesn’t consider all this before TTC shouldn’t be conceiving. Those are really important questions to ask before having any child.

I’m not even going to go into the environmental impact of having lots of children.

I'll never stop wanting more kids

Yes but the important point is that you will stop having them. Because you recognise there are consequences to having them. Wanting and doing are not the same things.

Why's it concerning to feel there's a gap?

Because if you have two children and aren’t fulfilled- then children aren’t what’s missing from your life. You need to work out what it is and not just try and fill it with children.

One thing that you do need to think seriously about is that at over 35 you do have a higher chance of having a baby with additional needs, and what that means for you as a couple - of course it is a very individual choice especially when some conditions are detectable during pregnancy. Two of my good friends have had their fourth and mum is 38, they have a lovely baby who has downs. They wanted a big family and they are the sort of couple who will deal with anything, but it has meant they've factored in some changes to their finances (both are high earners but mum is going to go part time to have more time with this one, but they knew they are fortunate to be in a position to pay for extra help if they needed)

I had a dd in 05, 1 in 06 and I ds in 08 - 2 months after dd turned 3...
Great fun!!
Though 2 dd's now at 13 +14 ain't so great!!

3 under 3.5 at one point here (now 3 under 6.5). Oh but dear god did it almost destroy me at first but absolutely the best decision (and by luck) we ever made. Through a combination of personality luck and hard work and cultivating cooperation and more luck that they've turned out as great friends as well as siblings, it's honestly now fantastic. Got the whole baby and toddler phase done and out the way in a few years, won't have to do newbie school runs etc, can get On with life now.

Three under three here.

It was a tough time and I came out the other side and all that, but if my daughter was talking about doing it I'd be trying my damnest to put her off. It caused PND for me and was horrific.

Also, no family help here - just me and dh. Still don't regret it. I'm on my own with them day and night a lot of them time but I love it, fucking stressful though they can be sometimes ha. We have so many adventures together.

I had five under eight, four under six. Then my marriage broke up and it was HARD.

Just have a think about how you'd manage if the worst happened. If you reckon you can cope, go for it (it gets easier as they get older).

I had 3 in 3.5 years - it was fine - hard work but doable. DH and I both worked, no nanny, no family help. At the same time a friend of mine had 4 in 3 years (third pregnancy was twins) so in comparison my life seemed quite easy

A high proportion of my friends had three or four kids so it was normal. We now have three teens and when I'm not working I'm giving someone a lift somewhere (live rurally) but it's still fine - it won't be forever and it gives us time to talk to each other.

I was the eldest of 3 under 5 and hated it so much

I was the youngest of 3 under 5 and deliberately had two with a larger gap! (although I also never lost the urge to have another).

Thanks all it's really interested to read all the perspectives.

@JuanSheetIsPlenty, I think it's a interesting question re why I'd like a 3rd. I don't think it's that I need a 3rd for my life to feel complete, more just that if I have the choice (and I won't in a few years time) then I'd like to make that choice now before it's made for me. I think we all want to make most of the life we are given, and not have regrets where possible.

I do think about the impact on my
2 DC - less attention, less finances. But we can afford it and it would be another friend for them, more family to help them later on etc.

I think I've always looked at families of 3 or more and liked the dynamic. I only had one brother myself and would have liked a bigger gang as it were.

It always makes me a bit sad when having more than two DC is questioned, our DC3 is so loved by everyone.
Op if you think you would like a third and can afford it etc then go for it. I think you're far more likely to regret not having the child than having it. I personally find it relatively easy with three but I don't work. I am expecting more challenges to crop up as they get older but it's something that I'm confident we can manage. As others said 3 comes with a whole load more washing and a bigger car but also more love and laughter.

I have four, basically two years apart so when #4 was born, oldest had just turned 6.

I did and quite enjoyed it, don't get me wrong it was hard work but everyone wanted to do similar things as they were close in age, think films, play parks etc. It's great now because they are all teens we can go out for meals and everything is quite civilised (took a while to get there) sometimes I think it would have been nice to have had them the spaced apart a bit as the years flew by in a hectic soon of washing and toilet training but on the whole I don't regret it.

Sorry posted too soon - I worked full time in the city returning after each maternity leave until pregnant with #4 when I resigned. I found 2-3 fine, but at that time I had our nanny still at home while I was on mat leave as knew I was going back. For first 6 months with four I had no help including no family. It was very hard. I have someone who helps four days a week now. I think the poster who advised to think what you may do if the worst happened is wise.

It's not so much three under give, but three close in age you need to think about. Once they are at school, all their after school activities will be at the same time, whereas slightly older ones would be an hour later, etc. Also 3 sets of 11+ very close together (if you're doing it), 3 sets of GCSE stress, etc. Personally, I would leave it another year.

Three under five, not give, obvs!

Yes the after school running around is crazy and I currently only have two in school (though three different educational establishments across four children!). The mornings and afternoons are pretty intense with all the clubs / sport / play dates.

It is your choice. IMO you don't get to enjoy them individually when they are so close. It benefits them as siblings when older, as DC I notice friends they spend the day dictating organising and stopping squabbles it is hard work a killjoy.

Thanks @whatdoesntkillus, in resetting perspective. It's not nice to think about all the things that could go wrong. I guess having had DC1 at 34 and DC2 at 36 I have perhaps become a bit blasé about the potential risks of a baby later on.

It's great your work we're good about your mat leaves - I suspect mine would be less than impressed, but perhaps that's all in my mind.

City firm gave quite a good package and I took the last bit unpaid to get the full year. I was very lucky we were in a financial position to do so. Make no mistake though it adversely impacted my career (law).

We had 3 under 4. Currently living through 3 under 5 chaos. I work 4 days a week and my other half works 3 days. It is relentless and gruelling and noisy. Mostly we get by ok, but the school/pre school/nursery/work run is slowly breaking me!
Wouldn't change it though. The eldest two are so close, and the youngest is desperate to get stuck in! It's all luck of the draw though - if they hated each other it would be awful!

I had 3 under 3 & coped fine, was easy as it was just continuing what I was used to. Also had 4 under 5 when I had my older children and again absolutely fine.

My eldest was 4 (nearly 5) when our 3rd one was born and then 6 (nearly 7) when our 4th was born. They're now 8, 6, 3 & 1.

It's hard work. Last year was absolutely incessant. But now that the youngest is 1, nearly walking, weaned and sleeping through the night and the threenager is heading towards 4 it's getting MUCH easier. Still incessant, but far more room to manoeuvre.

For me, the toughest was going from 0-1 child. Once I was used to having 1, 2 wasn't any harder. Once I had 2, I knew I could manage 3. 4 is definitely enough for me though.