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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Was this joke unreasonable?

97 replies

ToomorrowToomorrow · 14/03/2020 12:39

Boyfriend loves his night out which is fine, but every other week he complains on the Sunday about how his body is aching and he feels rubbish and alochol is making his body feel awful and ill, so he's never drinking again (i know everyone says this),
So last week was the same story, i was staying at his house on the sunday (we dont live together, still live with parents, im 25 but ive just finished uni and started a job so cant afford to move out right now), and he was hungover, complaining abiut the same thing, and that he's never drinking again. So i said he's like the boy who cried wolf and he'll probably be out next weekend.
Anyway next weekend has come and he's going out so he rang me last night to tell me. I joked that I knew it, he is literally the boy who cried wolf and I guess i'll be listening to it all over again on sunday so here we go again and then we said our goodbyes and i hung up.
He then messaged saying he feels really upset because he thinks i feel he's an alcoholic (i rarely go out but i dont mind that he enjoys it, each to their own), and that he only wants to go out incase the pubs close soon because of the virus.
I rang him back and apologised saying i didnt mean to upset him and i wont joke about it again, but i feel rubbish now, i hate upsetting him

OP posts:

coffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffee · 14/03/2020 21:33

Honestly he's an immature twat and a shitty boyfriend. Please raise your standards and get rid of him. He's no good.

CoupeCourte · 15/03/2020 01:17

If you're worrying about expressing how you feel in case he "gets sick of you" that's a massive red flag that this is not a good relationship. In a good relationship you don't have to tiptoe around your partner or constantly squash how you really feel so that they don't get annoyed at you.

I'm about the same age as you and I can promise you this is not how it is supposed to be. My partner goes out and gets drunk more than I do: I'm lovely to him the next morning, but it's because he doesn't do it every weekend and he doesn't whinge about the consequences of his own choices. If he was showing me which part of his body hurt I would laugh at him. And he would laugh at himself for being pathetic! The poster who said he wants you to be his mum is right.

You need to not text him, now. You need to go and do something else and literally turn your phone off. Go to a movie. Organise dinner with friends. Put your phone down. He loves you chasing after him.

Ideally, you would pick your phone back up after 24h and realise you can do miles better than this loser. I'm not sure if you're there yet though. Until you are, you need to take back your own power within the relationship. No more tea and sympathy when he goes out and wrecks himself. If he flakes on your plans because he's hungover, you express how that makes you feel: don't withhold because he might dump you, make him aware that YOU will dump HIM if he doesn't get his shit together. Be less available. Get a hobby. Build up your relationships outside him so that if when you dump him, you have a good network and life that doesn't rely on him.

You're so young! Don't waste more of your precious youth on this man.

Mumgonenuts2020 · 15/03/2020 02:12

I think he is guilty that he keeps going out and now you have been together with a year.. when he stays in next weekend maybe you can plan some date nights 😄😄 I have been with my DH for 22 years and he us out now tonight I am still waiting for him to come home it 2.00am!! Put your foot down now.. although don’t turn into his mother as that not pretty!! love the excuse about the pubs closing next week due to the Corona Virus that is priceless 💙💙🤟

Fr0g · 15/03/2020 02:16

and the benefit of being in the relationship is??????

jmcg2015 · 15/03/2020 02:21

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

jmcg2015 · 15/03/2020 02:24

@polarfrogs and why is that your business? Offer advice or hush, don't be so mean spirited

MashedSpud · 15/03/2020 02:48

He will never change.

You could live together, marry and have kids but his Sundays will always be spent recovering from his binges.

I’d cut my losses personally.

NearlyGranny · 15/03/2020 03:18

He's got you apologising for how you 'made' him feel by saying something you didn't say. He's taught you that your place is always in the wrong, hasn't he?

ClareBlue · 15/03/2020 03:21

@jmcg2015 strange response there. Comments aren't man hating, they are advising one person in a relationship that she is being treated badly and she doesn't have to put up with it and shouldn't put up with it. This would have been exactly the same if it was a women getting pissed every weekend and complaining about how bad they felt and all the other crap OP is putting up with. In fact plenty say there are lovely men who would spend time with OP and have some fun. Even watching Crufts (we know OP) with her. OP, I know small things are great but I presume you don't behave as the Daschound did when you are in public😄😄

LoveIsLovely · 15/03/2020 03:22

I couldn't live with someone this sensitive. I am not a fan of constant piss taking or anything but holy shit.

coffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffee · 15/03/2020 06:28

jmcg2015 does this on every thread. Has done for a long time. Anyone posts about a man that obviously isn't great and he says something along the lines of 'you aren't very nice to him.' And then insults women.

MonkeyToesOfDoom · 15/03/2020 09:36

"i should shut up or he'll get sick of me"

This makes me sad.
Nit so much the sentance but the deeper meaning and the fear that is behind it.
"He'll get sick of me for speaking my mind, sharing my thoughts, so I better not"
Don't live like this OP.
If you fear your partner may leave for trivialities like sharing your pinions, that partner is not.worth your time, your consideration or your emotion..

MaybeNew · 15/03/2020 09:42

You need some boundaries. Stop trying to please someone who seems to do very little to please you. Constant whinging about the consequences of his own actions is dull and selfish. Find someone fun who wants to spend time with you. Life will be so much better.

ScabbyBabby · 15/03/2020 10:03

You sound lovely and grown up and so mismatched with this plonker.

Please value yourself and know you deserve better.

End it with him kindly, block, ignore and focus on enjoying your life in the way you want to.

NearlyGranny · 15/03/2020 11:10

At the very least, put a full stop on sympathising with his self-inflicted suffering. Stay away on Sunday and have him text you when his suffering is over and he is good company again. Tell him you've reached your lifetime peak listening to his hangover moaning!

Original poster

ToomorrowToomorrow · 15/03/2020 11:17

Thank you everyone

OP posts:

MoonBabysMagicalKalimba · 15/03/2020 15:45

I think people here are being a bit pearl clutchy. There’s nothing wrong with someone in their early 20s going out drinking every weekend. Most of us did it! Enjoying partying whilst you’re young doesn’t make you a raging alcoholic.

It sounds as though your issue isn’t so much him going out, but him getting so drunk that the drinking and subsequent hangover impacts on your time together, he prioritises this over spending quality time with you, and expects you to play nursemaid to his pitiful hangovers every Sunday. And when you call him out on this, he reacts badly, tries to make you feel guilty and blames his friends for “making” him go out. Is that right?

I don’t think YABU. If anything else, it sounds as though you have wildly different priorities. You weren’t in the wrong to tell him that spending every Saturday on your own and every Sunday mopping his brow isn’t exactly fun for you and what you are looking for in a relationship. He sounds childish and unwilling to take any responsibility for his actions, which are very unattractive traits.

cherrylovex3 · 15/03/2020 16:52

grow up springs to mind

billy1966 · 15/03/2020 18:27

OP, you sound so lovely but you are on a path which is going to bring you to a place of utter misery, most likely with an abusive partner, treated badly and your life and youth wasted.

Great advice has been given above.

Instead of putting so much energy into a waster...how about you focus on your one life.

You need to work on your need to chase.
You need to work on and understand what boundaries are.
You need to work on your self respect and what that involves.

You need to see your own value.
You need to figure what you want from life.

You need to figure how you would like to be treated in a relationship.

In essence, you need to focus on you.

Not on this twatty waster.
You are not a drinker......don't end up with one.

Wishing you well

picklemewalnuts · 15/03/2020 19:46

He's making you feel like a needy girlfriend.

Don't hang around. That's no way to live.

AcrossthePond55 · 15/03/2020 20:59

You need to clear HIM out, of your life!

EKGEMS · 15/03/2020 21:32

He's an immature child in an adult body blaming his being a binge drinker on his friends. Face it he's not adult enough to have a serious relationship

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