I ended my relationship with him over his disapproving Father.

[ims0rrydarlingg]

Posted here before about a situation where my fiancé's father disapproved of me and I was basically sitting around waiting for him to approve of our relationship.

Despite them knowing we we're together, his dad was trying to set him up with other girls etc.

I have finally walked away with a heavy heart.

He doesn't seem too bothered if I'm honest, as I haven't heard from him all day. I ended it this morning.

We're long distance and both from a Pakistani family.

Guess he didn't want me as much as he claimed.

Feel rubbish and the only reason I've not cried my eyes out is because I'm in work.

@MountDiogenes - not sure because I woke up to some missed calls and messages from him about how he loves me.

Last time when he had to meet the girl his parents set him up for, I ignored him for two days and he was outside my house crying and assuring me he will convince his parents.

He might be so arrogant to assume you don’t really mean it and will be back?

I remember your previous post too. I think you’ve made the right decision, you would have been setting yourself up for years of pain had you stayed.

@horsefeather - these two girls are from here but his dad has also suggested a girls from Pakistan.

@YellowHighHeels - it's been hard and I can understand it's hard on him too but as a grown man he should stand up for himself.

About a month ago, they made him call me whilst sitting in the same room with me on loud speaker, telling him to end it with me. He couldn't get his words out so his brother did it for him.

I was ready to walk away then but he was adamant he wanted to be with me and didn't care what they said.

He was then presented with one girl who he met.
Now a second girl also which he claims he doesn't speak to and was gonna tell his dad he wasn't gonna speak to her. That was on Tuesday.

Don't even know whether they knew we've been speaking all this time.

@NotStayingIn - I just need to be strong and not give in. If he had wanted me he wouldn't have even spoken to them girls his family presented. He said he did it so he could his dad that he Atleast tried and they weren't for him.

I've seen the messages but that doesn't mean anything. He could still be calling and meeting them.

It's not just about the disapproving dad, your last sentence shows you don't trust him anyway.

For it to work between you, your bf would need to speak to these girls, show his dad he is not interested, show his dad he is not interested in an arranged marriage, and only wants to be with you, and eventually hope his dad comes around.

He is walking a tightrope as his cultural upbringing won't allow him to defy his father completely and do as he wants. Sometimes cultural pressures are just too great.

@alexa - that's what he said he was intending to do. He told me on Tuesday his dad asked how it's going with the girls and he said not great. Apparently that was it. I find it hard to believe. I said to him if his dad disagreed again despite him rejecting the other girls then I would be gone.

I believe he had a discussion with his dad about this girl who happens to be his sis in laws childhood friend, and his dad told him to carry on speaking to her and meet her etc. I don't think he stood up to him and said no he wants to be with me. Or if he did, his dad probably said no again and he is too afraid to tell me.

This girl was at his first wedding and has liked him since, apparently.

One thing I don't understand is, if he knows his dad will never agree, why hadn't he just cut me off. Why, even to this day still say he wants to be with me and will convince him?

Oh I remember you OP. Stay strong and find someone else otherwise you'll be the only one crying when he marries someone else.

giving money for fuel or buying him things. Paid towards his car at the garage etc to get it fixed. He got into some financial difficulties and was transparent about it, so I helped out here and there
He lives at home with his family!
Let THEM help him out financially seeing as they want him tethered to the apron strings and he likes it like that!

I really do despair for a lot of asian men and women.
I'm viewed as 'fallen off the path' and an 'apostate' because i live in my own place, am unmarried and live a free and independent 'western' lifestyle.
I am happy!

Then i look at my asian peers of both sexes....the majority who still live at home past the age of 25yrs....still sneak around to see their bf/gf....expect/want the freedom of a western life but steadfastly refuse to break from repressive traditions.

I gave this advice to an asian friend of mine years ago, she was earning megabucks but still living at home....and going out with a guy in his 30's who still lived at home:
Have basic standards - he has to have a job and know how to look after himself so you don't have to play mother 'rescuing' him
He should know how to do basic housework, cooking and cleaning, house admin and managing the mental load
Ideally he should be living in his own place so you can actually BE adults and enjoy the freedoms that come with it

This guy seems to WANT to live in a traditional set up cos he gets his arse wiped for him....he doesn't have to think about finances much cos the bank of mum and dad pay for his keep....he doesn't have to do housework cos that's not expected of 'men'....he is no doubt wanting to remain 'in' with the family so he can get his eventual inheritance of land/money/status etc

What is attractive about him?
He's been using you!
What would have happened if you did marry him - you take over form where his mother/sister left?

@monkeymonkey2010 I agree 100%. OP please listen to this advice.

You dodged a bullet sweetheart !
If the marriage had gone ahead your life would have been misery , you know you would never have been a priority, he's made that clear already and you've saved yourself future heartache. I know it is painful , it's him not you. You deserve better. Keep your dignity and move on. You shouldn't need to tell a man to " fight" for you. Best of luck

It doesn't matter what he wants now. He's had plenty of opportunities and you've put up with so much crap from him.

Thank you for all your responses.

Despite being from the same culture, my upbringing is very different. My Dad knows about him and I did initially tell him about his dads refusal but didn't bring it up again. My mum died 6 years ago so cant open that door.

He messaged me today saying he wants to speak to his dad and tell him he's not interested in the girl he's trying to be set up with, but he's scared his dad will still say no about me and then he'll never hear from me again.

I opened the message but didn't bother replying back.

He's been messaging me saying how much he loves me and how I mean the world to him. How I bring out the best in him & how he can be himself with me etc etc

Why doesn't he just do what his dad says and leave me to it.

My mums death anniversary is next month so I feel rubbish as it is, and now this.

monkeymonkey2010 Is speaking absolute sense. Think carefully about whether this is the right path anyway. If you are more westernised than him, if you do get together will he be expecting you to be his perfect Asian wife? Maybe even move in with your in-laws and become just another female in the family (and low in the pecking order)?

He sounds immature and frankly not worth it

@alexasaymyname He's as westernised as me but can only practice that when he's with me. I don't have lie about when we've gone away where he has to. We have the same interests etc and extremely compatible otherwise I wouldn't have had my heart set on him. He even made sure my ring was my dream ring.

He's got his own place which he's recently finished renovating and carpets have been fitted.

It's a shame he can't be assertive and direct with his dad.

Stupidly I keep consoling myself, if he wasn't serious about me he would have ended it by now. And just taken the easy route of conforming to his dead.

I'm not even sleeping with him so I can't say it's because he's getting sex from me and other Pakistani girls wouldn't do that.

It's such a head fuck.

ims0rrydarlingg Sat 14-Mar-20 12:07:09
One thing I don't understand is, if he knows his dad will never agree, why hadn't he just cut me off. Why, even to this day still say he wants to be with me and will convince him?
........
Because he fell in love with you?

He may ultimately choose you and his dad will come round; I hope so but you can't put your life on hold for him.

I do feel for you.

You are the best thing in my life and I will do anything for you......OP please see that it's only words and it's very easy for me to say type them. Actions speak more than words. He hasn't acted by now....please dont waste your time. Stay strong and think about the long term.

Where I lose all respect for him is that he is being so flipping weak. I get it’s hard, but he needs to start owning his decisions! How long can he be this pathetic for?

It’s completely fine for him to pick his family. It’s also completely fine to pick you. But for fuck sake grow a spine and pick a side and make it work. It’s really flipping obvious that he can’t have both (which is horrible but not going to change), so when is he going to accept that and move on. He is just dicking around and hurting people in the process. I would dump him for that.

I remember you, I'm so relieved you've finally told him to sling his hook. If he was interested and committed enough, he'd have made the situation Clear to his family well before now. He wants you as back up, while he checks out what else is on offer.

Hi everyone, thank you for your responses.

Back with my final update.

He admitted today he's still been speaking to that girl. Initially he said his family kicked off that he didn't like her and he still wanted to be with me. He hadn't told me this because he was scared I'd leave him.

They suggested he meet her and even offered to meet her with him. I asked him why he would continue speaking to her if he has no interest in her. He said he wanted to do it for the sake of his parents.

I told him I'm done and he can go live his life with her. I'm not going to stick around for him to explore his options and openly cheat on me.

I hung up. He called me back and I blocked his number.

I know it's hard to see it now OP, but honestly, you dodged a bullet.

Being lifestyle- and personality-compatible and having hobbies in common is all well and good, but what really matters in a life partner is character.

Knowing that the person you're committed to is honest, has follow-through and can be relied upon.

That their first and overriding instinct is to support and protect you, your relationship, your children.

This guy would make a terrible husband.

He is dishonest and disloyal - he lied to you and has repeatedly disrespected you and your relationship.

He is weak and cowardly - he allowed others to repeatedly disrespect, insult and abuse you.

You deserve so much better than this facsimile of a man.

You’re much better off not getting involved in such a toxic culture. Certain cultures are determined to make life miserable for their collective daughters in law. You would never have found peace. Well done !

Well done OP! Keep posting if it makes you feel better.
Stay strong and focus on the horrible life you have avoided. Always feeling second best!
Be prepared for a final grande gesture from him. Your stance will be a shock to him and he will be surprised by your strength.
This is about YOU now. You deserve somebody who will love and cherish you.....not meet other ladies under your nose. You will have moment of pain and hurt, but remember.....they are just short moments in a happy lifetime and you will push through those moments.