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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that funeral video is a little bit too much?

96 replies

FearlessSwiftie · 13/03/2020 08:22

My best friend's grandma had passed away the other day and the funeral is tomorrow. Among other things my friend ordered a special funeral video with her grandmother photos and some videos from family archive. There also will be a song by Leonard Cohen and my friend says the video will be played while people would be saying their farewell to her grandma. I don't mean to sound petty but it seems to be too much to my mind. A VIDEO at the funeral! I can't even imagine it, but I'm not going to tell my friend that, this video idea makes her happy. AIBU?

OP posts:
longwayoff · 13/03/2020 08:43

A neighbour's husband died and I got trapped into watching 2 hours of the whole funeral. It took place abroad and I found it grim. He was from a poor country and there was a meal for the whole village after the burial. Watching children emptying whole dishes of assorted foods into carrier bags to take home to family was disturbing. Meat, veg, rice, sweet stuff, all tipped in together. Both sad and revolting. Years ago but unforgettable.

longwayoff · 13/03/2020 08:47

But YABU, OP, what you describe sounds perfectly acceptable. I don't see a problem with it at all.

Thedogscollar · 13/03/2020 08:52

Fearlessswiftie If this is as you say too much to your mind then I find that very sad. I think it's a beautiful idea to remember someone how they were. A funeral should be a celebration of a life. If you feel like this then I hope you aren't going to the service.

crosspelican · 13/03/2020 08:53

I think it's a thing in the US, right?

I've never seen it, but I'm Irish and haven't been to a funeral since my Mum's 12 years ago, and I definitely wouldn't have put something like that on for her! She would have died. hollow laugh

It probably varies from family to family.

NotTheMrMenAgain · 13/03/2020 08:54

You are being hugely unreasonable and sound terribly immature, judgemental and nasty.

Who the hell are you to have an opinion on how your friend should grieve for her Gran and what is or isn't appropriate?! Grief is complicated, painful beyond belief and different for everyone.

Don't mention this to anyone in real life - you'll just sound like a huge bell-end.

Toogramtogiveadamn · 13/03/2020 08:55

Wow, really?
Some best friend you are.
If you don’t like it don’t go.
And you don’t sound petty you sound ridiculously rude.

UserV · 13/03/2020 08:57

@FearlessSwiftie YABU, nothing wrong with it at all.

I know someone who still talks to her deceased DD who died aged 33 a couple of years ago. She literally speaks to her, and sets the table for her, and doesn't let anyone sit in her chair because 'Louise is there...'

It brings her comfort, and helps her survive. How dare anyone challenge her or laugh or mock, or shake their head with disapproval? Hmm

Leave the poor woman alone. A video sounds lovely anyway!

Shame you didn't activate the poll.Wink

RedRec · 13/03/2020 08:58

Not unusual at all. So yes, you are being very unreasonable.

Toogramtogiveadamn · 13/03/2020 08:59

Me and my boyfriend were talking about it and he said that he wants something by David Bowie along with the slideshow of his photos
So it’s ok for your boyfriend to do it but not your friend?
Confused

ParkheadParadise · 13/03/2020 09:00

We had a video shown at dd's funeral.
It was photographs from when she was born up until she died. The only video part was my mum dancing with dd when she was a baby, it then showed dd dancing with my mum 1month before she died.
Enya- I could never say goodbye was played along with it.
I still watch it occasionally 4yrs later.

AudacityOfHope · 13/03/2020 09:02

That sounds really nice.

You sound judgy as fuck. I'd be really hurt if I thought my friends were sneering behind my back when I was doing my best to arrange the funeral of a family member.

EmeraldShamrock · 13/03/2020 09:04

Funeral service's are as much as celebrating life at the end. As a DC there was 3 day's of wake with the deceased, countless stories were shared, photos, sing songs, tea biscuits, all sitting around the coffin.
The slide shoe is just a modern way of doing it along with video link for relatives abroad.

CaptainCabinets · 13/03/2020 09:06

What a lovely person you are coming online to criticise how your ‘friend’ chooses to say goodbye to her grandma Shock

Disgusting and you deserve every bit of backlash coming to you

tenlittlecygnets · 13/03/2020 09:07

It's a lovely idea, and it's been done at all the funerals I've been to in the last five years! Please don't say anything to your friend.

ShootEmUpSarsaparilla · 13/03/2020 09:08

What? What’s wrong with that?!

AudacityOfHope · 13/03/2020 09:08

That sounds beautiful @ParkheadParadise

scarbados · 13/03/2020 09:10

Not only U but very nasty and judgemental. People grieve how they want to and it's got nothing to do with you how they choose to remember their loved one.

Trooperslaneagain · 13/03/2020 09:13

YABVVVVVVVVVVVVU and massively unkind.

You're no friend to that person.

Bitching about stuff to strangers on the internet about a FUNERAL plan? What is wrong with you?

Sweetener12 · 13/03/2020 09:13

I don't think you are being very unreasonable but it is really just a lovely tribute to the loved one. Playing the videos or showing the photos at the funerals isn't a new thing to do and the video can be especially nice if done with love. I did this kind of memorial slideshow when my aunt had passed away and it brought smiles to people's faces. I know it may disturb you, but this isn't about you.

Ellisandra · 13/03/2020 09:16

YABVU and a shit friend. Even if she was the first person ever to do this - and she’s really really not - why would you judge? So mean.

acquiescence · 13/03/2020 09:16

It’s a lovely idea. My friend had this at her baby’s funeral. We were able to see their memories they had of the short time they had together.

You sound absolutely awful, to come on here and criticise your friend who is mourning and planning a funeral.

Rhumba · 13/03/2020 09:17

I clicked on this thinking it was a discussion of someone who wanted the funeral videoed...….now that would be a bit unusual.

Original poster
FearlessSwiftie · 13/03/2020 09:21

Toogramtogiveadamn yep, I remember that, we were discussing it a long time ago and the context wasn't dead serious. In fact, we were even making the whole things for ourselves and we were having fun adding the funny inscriptions, blackish humour jokes and so on. Come on, I ended up adding an Eminem track "So much better" in it (then changed). It was mostly for fun as we do not come from the culture where such things are common. By the way, the friend I'm talking right now had found the idea itself awful back then. I should've emphasized it though.

OP posts:
Batfinklestein · 13/03/2020 09:24

I too clicked on this thinking it was a post about videoing a funeral, which would be weird!

This sounds lovely and appropriate. It's just a more modern version of having a photo on the end of the coffin. You are mean to criticise your grieving friend, who is trying to do something nice for her deceased grandmother and family.

sonjadog · 13/03/2020 09:26

I think it is quite common? I have seen them at quite a few funerals I have been to. I think it is a nice thing. It makes the funeral more about a celebration of someone's life, rather than focusing on their death. It is also something to talk about when standing around afterwards.

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